Twenty-Eight

Every time I see this photo of Léah sitting on that bench with their Barney and Annie dolls, my heart jumps out of my chest. I have so many memories of Léah at this age, lots of warm, wonderful memories, and lots of guilt since there were some hard times when they were very young where I was all but checked out. I was 35 when Léah was born — I didn’t know up until then if being a parent was in the cards for me, and the immense love I instantly felt for this child both thrilled and scared me. I wanted to “do it right,” to be the “perfect parent,” which I now recognize as an impossible, absurd, and even undesirable folly, and one I obviously didn’t come close to reaching. I made plenty of mistakes, large and small, from the way I tortured Léah’s beautiful red curls by trying to painfully brush through them to trying to fit Léah into a certain box so I could show the world what a good dad I was. Ugh. But the love was always there, thank God, and we survived and thrived through all sorts of challenging periods in both of our lives in our own unique ways.

Now, at 28, I still sometimes see that adorable, vulnerable child on the bench in Léah, along with the unbelievably strong, kind, resourceful, creative, brilliant adult and second-year rabbinical student that they are. While seeing the way Léah’s little hand is clutching that Annie doll moves me to tears, it also takes me to the time years later when Léah starred as Annie in their children’s theater school’s production of that musical. I spent most of Léah’s years as a child actor trying to suppress my inner “Mama Rose” stage mother persona and not grumbling when Léah didn’t get the part I thought they deserved, but I was truly ready to storm the barricades if they weren’t finally cast in the lead role for the musical they were born to play. I mean, come on, they didn’t even need to use a goddamn wig! But Léah did get the role and we often talked about my fantasy of playing Daddy Warbucks to their Annie. I certainly had the scalp and the girth for the part, if not the bank account. We used to sing their big duet together all the time, and every time we did, the slightly dysfunctional lyrics resonated.

Together at last
Together forever
We're tying a knot
They never can sever.

I don't need sunshine now
To turn my skies to blue. 
I don't need anything but you! 

Yesterday was plain awful
You can say that again! 
Yesterday was plain awful 
But that's not now
That's then.

I'm poor as a mouse
I'm richer than Midas.
But nothing on earth 
Could ever divide us.

And if tomorrow
I'm an apple seller, too
I don't need anything, anything, anything
I don't need anything but you! 

Happy Birthday, Léah. I love you so much!

Comments

[Cousin Esther]

How fortunate for you both, you have each other. Happy Birthday Leah, and wonderful tribute from such an amazing dad. 🙏💕🌸🎂.