Pink Pyjamas

As anyone who’s met me or has ever read my blog knows, I can never be accused of projecting a stereotypical testosterone-laced traditional male view of the world. I am about a thousand times more likely to write a blog post about Joan Crawford than I am about the NCAA playoffs. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. No, I’m not gay (as if gay people don't watch the NCAA playoffs!), and please don’t call me a “metrosexual.” Not only do I despise that term but I simply don’t qualify—I dress like crap, I’d happily live the rest of my life with one pair of worn sneakers, and around the house I’m more Oscar Madison than Felix Unger. But I do love to cook, I’d rather see a “chick flick” than any film starring “the Rock,” and I know so many Broadway showtunes I could be my musical theatre daughter’s permanent understudy. Ah, what freedom to never be a slave to rigidly defined gender roles, right? Think again.

My son Charlie (who officially turns two later this month but because of his extreme prematurity is 20 months “adjusted”) is the best-dressed baby I know even though we’ve rarely bought him any clothes. He is the lucky recipient of many fancy duds from his extended family and friends as well as mountains of adorable clothes that were passed down from friends and relatives whose kids have outgrown them. Kendall’s sister Brooke has two girls but that didn’t stop Kendall from pouring through our well dressed nieces’ hand-me-downs. Most items were rejected because they were so clearly “girls’ clothes” but Kendall did take a few unisex items including the pink-trimmed pyjamas Charlie wore to bed last night.

Perfectly cute, right? No reason why he shouldn’t wear these comfortable, perfectly good pyjamas, don’t you agree? Then why did my whole body constrict the first time I saw Kendall putting them on Charlie? I realize that most of what we know as gender stereotypes are completely arbitrary. I’m not talking about certain tendencies like the types of games boys and girls like to play that in some cases may be different according to gender. Some people would argue that even those differences are more “nurture” than “nature” but I’m not sure I agree. I do think that there may be some inherent differences between the way many (not all) boys and girls interact with their environment. But I think everyone on the planet would agree that the notion that “pink is for girls” and “blue is for boys” is a wholly arbitrary distinction that we’ve all, as a culture, decided to simply follow, mostly because of our own upbringing.

The son of a friend of ours, when he was younger, decided that he loved pink and was savvy enough, with the help of his hippie mom, to become a social activist about it, decrying the criticism he received from his peers as societal hogwash. My own nephew went through a phase when he was a toddler of wanting to paint his fingernails red and wear pigtails. My sister and brother-in-law didn’t make a big deal about it and this phase ended as quickly as it began. I recently saw a link on Facebook to a story called “Little Boy Pink” about a boy named Declan who likes wearing pretty dresses, tutus, and Mary Jane shoes with big purple flowers. His parents let him do as he liked and the specialists quoted in the article said that exercising such proclivities when they are young does not mean that such boys will suffer from any “gender confusion” when they are older.

The other morning I decided to take Charlie to Runyon Canyon, a popular hiking spot in the Hollywood Hills. I usually just leave him in his pyjamas for our morning outings, depending on the weather, but this day, because he was wearing his pink get-up, I contemplated changing him into something more “masculine.” Disgusted by my fears, I suppressed the desire and we went hiking up the mountain with Charlie strapped to my chest. “What an adorable little girl!” said one hiker as she passed us at Inspiration Point. Since I was huffing and puffing, I just smiled and said nothing. “How old is she?” asked a young mother pushing a stroller when Charlie and I were on our descent. “Oh, it’s a boy, and he’s almost two,” I said firmly, and instead of leaving it at that, I added “His pyjamas were passed down from his girl cousin. I know, I know—I should be arrested!” Oy, did I just say that? I should be arrested, all right—for my closeted Eisenhower-era values!

I never championed the color pink as a kid and I had no desire to wear girly clothes, but I was occasionally made fun of for my untraditional “non-boy” interests. I also had long hair for most of my childhood and was frequently mistaken for a girl. Is that what makes me sensitive to something as silly as Charlie wearing pink pyjamas? Walking down that hill I felt as offensive as President Reagan who, responding to innuendo about his ballet dancer son famously said, “He’s all man—we made sure of that!” But I’m not talking about sexuality here—if Charlie one day realizes that he is gay, I know that won’t be an issue. No, there’s something about being misidentified as a girl that raises my hackles. And as long as I’m outing myself, I’ll admit the secret (until now) satisfaction I get from the fact that Charlie is absolutely obsessed with trucks, cars, and other typical “boy” interests. Am I just a victim of societal programming even though (or maybe because) I have historically resided on the other side of the sliding scale? Am I a victim of PTSD from my own childhood taunting (which I have to admit really wasn’t that bad)?

Declan’s parents were encouraged to not make a big deal out of their son’s “cross-dressing,” especially at such an early age. According to the doctor quoted in the article, “When Declan puts on his cousin's tutu, he is simply playing with facts. Little boys in the preschool years are starting to learn about gender differences. To them, the differences are merely facts. When children 'cross-dress,' they are merely having fun with this new fact they've learned.’”

I remember when we found out Leah was going to be a girl how offended I was when some of my friends expressed relief, saying that I was more suited to raise a girl than a boy. That sentiment still infuriates me and I can’t tell you how much I love having the experience of raising a son, too. I just hope I’m man enough to accept Charlie putting on a tutu in a few years if that’s what he wants to do! 

Comments

[m.yahn]

"girls don't own pink! " said keane as he picked out his first pink t-shirt! (he was six )

[Arlene Andresen]

I don't care what he wears...he is adorable and has a wonderful family who likes to have fun and be their own person!!! I cannot believe he is already in the terrible two's!!! Have fun with that! Don't worry you won't suffer to much...lol!!! I survived 3 times!

[Danusia]

Handsome in pink!! Looks like Charlie is getting in touch with his feminine side - the apple (no pun intended!) doesn't fall far from the tree. Not that you wear pink, but not many straight men are huge Carol Channing fans. Jacob went through a phase of wanting his toenails painted red like his mom and I happily obliged. I drew the line at lipstick, though.

[Gordon]

Dear Danny,
I'm a gay man who's always hated the color pink. I never had any desire to dress in girls clothes or play with Barbies.
All Charlie needs is love and affection. Then, as Doris Day used to sing, "Whatever will be will be."
Thanks,
Gordon

[Julie R.]

Charlie looks fabulous in whatever he's wearing!

[Jane]

Charlie looks like such a boy to me that even if he wore a tutu I wouldn't think "girl" much less mistake him for one.

Perceptions about gender and even sexuality are odd. Both my kids were bald babies. I could put Lis in a dress and hair band and people would still say, "Oh, he's cute!". Mac could be in head-to-toe blue and people would comment that "she" was adorable. Who knows where they come up with this stuff?

As a gay woman, people feel like they "know" I'm gay when I have short hair. WHen my hair is longer and/or I wear makeup, it seems they're not only not as quick to guess, but hesitant to believe that I'm not straight.

Charlie, you, Kendall, Leah — a beautiful family in any color. You can't change the way the world might perceive or deconstruct your entire life trying to correct every possible error of thought. You can, however, give that boy a kiss from me.

[Elisabeth Donato]

Oh, my God, Danny. I haven't read your blog in so long... I can't believe that Charlie is nearly two years old, and he is a cutie!!!!!

[All Adither]

Great post! Kudos to you for examining your own gender bias in such a thoughtful, well-written way. I like men like you. :)

[V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios]

I went through this with my son. When he was small, his favorite color was pink. He thought flowers were pretty so he wanted his room done all in florals. He carried a purse because he wanted to be like mom and it was a great way to tote his favorite toys around on trips. He liked many traditional male things too but he also played for hours with a baby doll. He liked wearing pins (jewelry) on his shirt or jacket or decking out in Mardi Gras beads. My husband and I were fine with it, but the reactions we got from other people--oh my. Around age six, he began settling into a more traditional expression of his gender. Today he is a teenager....

[Kara]

Isn't it incredible how the cultural distinction of "pink for girls" is so deeply ingrained in us? While I agree that it really shouldn't matter, the truth is that wearing pink and blue serves as a marker as sometimes it's difficult to identify the sex of a child without the telling pink or blue. Although in Charlie's case, he could be wearing a pink tutu and he'd still look like a little boy.
- He's a real cutie!

[The Pliers]

Having just watched "Affliction" last night as part of my "snow" movie series--"Frozen River," "A Simple Plan," "Fargo," "The Sweet Hereafter," and "The Ice Harvest" are all included--I had occasion to comment to my husband that I had enormous sympathy for men, in general, trying to navigate a sane course through humanhood from cradle to grave. It cannot be easy.

Consequently, I congratulate you on each little bit of individual authenticity that you are able to cage for yourself and your little boy in those moments when society's fondness for 2-dimensional gender roles has its back turned.

Wonderful post, Danny!

[DebbieW]

Charlie doesn't care and he looks adorable in anything. Here's a link to a google search that offers an interesting look at the whole pink/blue:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=238733

[Sunny]

Charlie looks lovely in his pyjamas! And I totally agree that colour doesn't define a man :)

[Mark]

Pink being for girls is a relatively new thing (in the grand scheme of time). If you have any grandparents or friends that grew up in the 1930's or earlier just ask them. Or read this article that explains it in detail.
Pink and Blue

[Shannon V]

This came through on my feed today, and I thought of your post, and had to pass it along.
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html

Charlie is adorable!

[The Pliers]

...cadge...

What are the odds of using that word, spelling it wrong, and encountering it spelled right in the very same day? Long, long, long odds, I'd say!

[Mindy]

Isn't it interesting that men are "taunted" for liking musicals, and yet it was men who wrote the majority of them? Hmmmm....

[Magento development]

I am a gay man who has always hated the color pink. I never had any desire to dress in girls clothes or playing with Barbie.