I’m going to tell you something that I probably shouldn’t but, hey, I trust you guys. But, please, I beg you not to tell my wife. Are you ready? Oy, here goes. I’m having an affair. Fine…be that way, tell my wife, I’m pretty sure she knows about it anyway. In fact, I think she’s handling it quite well considering I’ve talked of nothing but my mistress for the past 10 days. And no, this isn’t a casual thing. I’ve fallen in love…with my Buick LaCrosse.
My first blog foray into corporate America was a joy from
beginning to end. Attending and reporting on the TCM Classic Film Festival for
Buick last weekend was so much fun that I’m still in movie withdrawal a week
later. Every morning I want to head to Hollywood and shoot the breeze with
Tony Curtis or Alec Baldwin. Driving the luxurious Buick LaCrosse for 10 days
was so exciting that I feel physically ill about surrendering it tomorrow.
“It’s only a car, it’s only a car,” I keep telling myself, ashamed that I sound
like one of those crazy nuts who see their cars as extensions of themselves. But
I can’t help it. I keep finding myself interrupting conversations with
Kendall and others to make non sequitir comments about a cool feature I just
discovered on the car. “Can you talk about anything other than your Buick?” my family members have plaintively asked over the past 10
days. Yes, I can, but please indulge me one more time. It's the least you can do during my final hours with my beloved.
I’d attempt a real “review” of the car before I give it back
but I could never get away with it. I wish I could talk about
things like V6 engines, ABS, and suspension systems with authority and expertise but you’d quickly
see through the ruse. We all know that I am NOT a car person. And I’m embarrassed at
how quickly I betrayed my ascetic stance the second someone waved a Buick LaCrosse under my nose.
“I could care less that my car is 16 years old and not much to look at,” I’d always say
when people expressed shock that I was still driving the car I got before Leah
was born, almost 170,000 miles ago. “As long as it gets me from Point A to
Point B, who gives a damn?”
I never paid much attention to other cars on the road but as soon as I knew I was going to be getting the LaCrosse, I started reading up on its features and talking to everyone I knew about what they liked and didn't like about their cars. Yikes, who am I? What’s next—a sudden fascination with football? How ‘bout dem Bears! I searched in vain for other Buicks in Los Angeles, but aside from one mysterious appearance of a LaCrosse in front of our house a few days before mine arrived, I’ve never seen any Buicks on the road in this town. Why? Do people still hold onto the old stereotype that Buicks are “dowdy” and more appropriate for the parking lot at the senior citizens home? Look again, kids.
Truly, and I know I’m fawning, but the Buick LaCrosse is the sexiest car I’ve seen in a long time. It’s so beautiful that I gasped every time I walked outside and saw it in our driveway. I love the retro features: the sweeping grille in the front, the chrome portholes on the hood, the gorgeously designed interior with faux wood finishes that look real and subtle backlit swashes that expertly show how light can be used as a design element. I usually don’t care for red cars but my LaCrosse’s deep “Red Jewel Tintcoat” was a sight to behold. And what a head turner. Last night I drove my mother-in-law and our friend, actress Marcia Wallace, to a charity benefit for an AIDS organization that we attend every year. When I pulled up to the theatre to let them out, my car was literally encircled by theatre patrons. One woman said, and I wish I had this on tape, “What car is this? I love it! I’m in the market for a new car and I want this one!” And that was just on appearance alone. Incidentally, every car around me was a Lexus or BMW and no one was paying attention to those bores.
Although I’ve never owned a luxury car myself, I’ve ridden
in plenty of them, and I would swear in a court of law that the Buick LaCrosse
is the best ride I’ve ever had in an automobile. It’s so smooth that I
literally felt like I was gliding on air. The super-speedy but non-jarring
acceleration makes merging onto freeways super easy and when you brake the
car seems to glide to a standstill without the slightest jolt. Since
I’m still in classic movie star mode, I’d equate my current car to an Edward G.
Robinson—usually dependable but on the brash side, can be
unpredictable and impetuous, not much of a looker, and definitely getting a little long in the tooth. The Buick LaCrosse, on the other hand, is more along the lines of an Audrey Hepburn. Elegant and classy, stunningly beautiful and stylish, knows how to act appropriately in any
situation, fully comfortable and confident in its skin.
My Honda is so loud that traversing around Los Angeles it usually sounds like an army
vehicle navigating the rough terrain of a war-torn land. The LaCrosse is so
quiet that at first I was convinced it was a hybrid. It’s such a serene and
smooth ride that Cedars could have opened a mobile branch of the NICU and
heaved Charlie’s isolette into my roomy backseat. The other day it was very
windy in L.A. and as I was heading down Wilshire Boulevard I noticed a nasty-looking palm frond in the middle of the road that had fallen from a tree
(those things are killers!). There was no way to swerve around it so I
braced myself for impact. I didn’t feel a thing! Good lord, I thought, I could
run over a goat in the LaCrosse and barely notice it.
The cushy perks on the LaCrosse are unparalleled, at least
for me. Separate temperature controls for driver and passenger including
buttons that warm or cool the seat. A heating device for the steering wheel on
a cold morning. An amazing Harmon/Kardon audio system that made me feel like I
was sitting 5th row center at Disney Hall. XM radio, On Star,
voice-controlled iPod, state-of-the-art GPS, Bluetooth connectivity to my phone
so all calls came up on the screen and were completely hands-free, even a DVD
player! I can’t imagine why the front seat would need one of those (and don’t
worry, it only works when you’re in Park!) but one time when I was waiting for
Leah to get out of acting class I watched a good portion of “Casablanca” right
there on my GPS screen!
Okay, I have to stop this idolatry and get back to reality. “It’s only a car, it’s only a car.” If I had to force myself to find anything wrong with this vehicle, I would say that I was surprised by the rear window visibility, the glass area is much smaller than on my Civic. I got used to it, though, and I also had to get used to glancing behind me and making sure there was nothing in my blind spot. I’ve heard others complain about the size of the glove compartment and trunk but both seemed huge compared to what I’m used to. If I had the funds I would buy the Buick LaCrosse in a heartbeat. When my Honda finally kicks the bucket I hope to say sayonara once and for all to Japanese cars and buy American.
Only a few hours left until I must break it off with my new love. Farewell, sweet Audrey. We’ll always have Hollywood…
Oh Danny Miller I love reading your blogs! I started coming here for Charlie updates and I always love seeing pictures of him. I am always in awe of your writing. I am so sorry your affair with the Buick has come to an end, but ah the memories. You deserve the happy fun times you, Kendal, Leah and Charlie have. I hope and pray that everyday will hold wonderful adventures like the past 10 days have been. I am a bit jealous of your time with Alec Baldwin though, just saying...
Posted by: Robin | May 02, 2010 at 08:28 PM
As far as I'm concerned, Buick ought to give you a Buick LaCrosse as a lovely parting gift for the fabulous publicity and public relations wizardry that you performed for them on the occasion of their presence at the film festival.
I'm happy to see you so enthusiastic and delighted over your experience. By the way, Charlie is too cute for words and a happy belated birthday to him!
I'm knee-deep in boxes in central France but the door is open if you want to mosey on over. On another note, I would like to write a fan letter to Alec Baldwin. Did you get a secret address for him? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Posted by: The Pliers | May 03, 2010 at 01:02 AM
Breaking up is hard to do, eh?
Danny, this is one of the BEST reviews on the Buick LaCrosse I've yet read - and that includes the professional ones!
I laughed, I cried - it became a part of me...
I love the movie star parallels, and think you've made a direct hit with Audrey. But the real charmer of this review is that blue-eyed, grinning little ray of sunshine that you posted at the top. I think Charlie should be our new spokes-baby. That would surely put Buick back on top.
I am so glad you enjoyed the ride, but please don't hit any goats. It might leave an unsightly mark on the road and would definitely annoy the goat.
Stay in touch, Danny, and feel free to send salivating, potential buyers my way!
Posted by: Connie Burke | May 03, 2010 at 06:23 AM
You named her! This means that you really did bond. I've named all my cars since I met Myrtle -- the old, trashy pink goddess I owned at 16.
You and Audrey were a beautiful, if illicit, couple. If I could I'd break her away from the chains that bind her to the collective fleet and make her yours in a ceremony overlooking Hollywood Hills. I'd dress her in a new coat of wax and nothing else. Charlie could be the pink slip bearer.
Leah, having been gifted the ancient Honda as an early 16th birthday present, could circle it three times chanting for a pre-marital divorce. I did that often with Myrtle -- it never worked.
Posted by: Jane | May 03, 2010 at 06:33 AM
Great review - it IS a beautiful car! Hmmm, wonder if they have them in Europe yet?
Posted by: Tara Bradford | May 03, 2010 at 06:43 AM
Danny -- we at Buick are SO happy to have met you... not only were you a TERRIFIC person to have picked for our LaCrosse event with the TCM Film Fest... but because it is refreshing to see someone we've never met love our new LaCrosse as much as we do. I have also begun a love affair of my own -- reading the antics of Danny Miller et.al.
I can't wait to meet you all in person. Thank you Danny, for your passion, your openness and for your gift of clever prose.
Posted by: Carolyn Normandin | May 03, 2010 at 07:14 AM
Just so you know, Mr. Miller, Mother's day, our anniversary and my birthday are coming up. I hope you can muster a few Buick worthy words for me! Though truth be told, I understand this love affair of yours -- in fact, kinky though it may be to admit, I'm pretty into my husband's mistress myself!!!
Posted by: Your Wife | May 04, 2010 at 09:24 AM
Dear Danny,
I talked to you with tears in my eyes, but you wouldn't listen. Your very own new Buick Lacrosse is right in front of you. Just slap your entire blog between two hard covers, and voila ! Tons of instant cash, and your new car, and all the gas that thing can guzzle is yours.
--Gordon
Posted by: Gordon | May 04, 2010 at 12:25 PM
I agree with The Pliers.
Buick should give him the car for this gushing post.
It's given me pause and I just test drove an Audi last week.
Posted by: Lori Kirkland Baker | May 04, 2010 at 12:30 PM
Dear Ms. Normandin:
Can't you figure out a way for Danny Miller to hang onto that Buick? He can write about it once a week....rejuvenate your advertising...make Buicks cool in L.A....and doesn't Charlie need a nice safe, solid car worthy of him? Not to mention worthy of his very tolerant wife, Kendall.
Yours,
Judy
Posted by: Judy Brodhead | May 04, 2010 at 10:38 PM
That's it. I'm boycotting Buick until they give one to Danny...
Posted by: Gordon | May 06, 2010 at 10:14 PM
You need to go test drive a few different cars on day....
Posted by: Sam Wengroff | May 11, 2010 at 12:43 PM