Letters I'll Never Send

 

I got this from the blog of my friend and former colleague Emily Barton who got it from somewhere on the Internet. Love Emily’s first letter:

Dear President Bush, 
I so wish you were back in office. 
Your Big Fan, 
Emily

I was just yesterday bemoaning the fact that I haven’t written and mailed an actual letter in years. I used to be a prolific letter writer and considered mail delivery the most exciting part of the day. Now I never even look at the mail—it’s mostly medical bills and census forms (we filled out the census and mailed it the day we received it—why do we keep getting additional forms?). All of my prized fountain pens are languishing sadly in a drawer, my trademark green ink caked up in their nibs and reservoirs like dried Vulcan blood. I need to repair those beautiful instruments and get out my high cotton content rag paper. But while I'm doing that, here are five letters that I won’t be mailing.

Dear Kardashian Sisters,

I just wanted to tell you what magnificent role models you guys are. Until recently I only knew your name because of your dad’s defense of O.J. Simpson (fantastic that he helped get the Juice acquitted of those bogus charges!) but now I’m so grateful that I can’t turn on the TV or open a magazine without seeing your gorgeous faces. “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” is, frankly, my personal lifelong goal and I only pray that my daughter follows your example in all ways. Keep up the good work, you three SO deserve your fame and everything it brings you.

With the greatest of respect and admiration, 
Danny Miller

 

Dear Los Angeles Developers,

Just a quick note to thank you for all of your exquisite work reshaping Los Angeles. Thank God you were able to knock down all those huge Craftsman homes in my neighborhood before the city “protected” us with a special designation. Honestly, who needed all that dusty stained glass and tacky hundred-year-old woodwork (a magnet for termites!) when we can enjoy the understated splendor of large apartment buildings made of sleek, smooth drywall? Just say no to pretentious flourishes! Special thanks to those of you responsible for tearing down all those dumb 1920s movie palaces in L.A., especially the Carthay Circle Theatre which once hosted so many gala premieres with the debauched denizens of Hollyweird holding court. Good riddance to bad trash! True, the giant box-like office building you built on the site has been half empty for years but I’m sure you’ll get a lot more tenants very soon now that the economy is booming.

Love you for everything you do,
Danny Miller

 

Dear Airline Frequent Flyer Program,

You guys rock! In addition to the ease of use of your program, the wide availability of tickets with no blackout dates, and the super on-time service people get on your airline, I wanted to send a special note of appreciation for our recent dealings with you regarding getting our miles re-instated after we were unable to use our plane tickets to Chicago last year. As my wife explained to you, we had to cancel our trip to my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah because she unexpectedly went into labor and gave birth to our twin boys at 24 weeks. We lost one of our sons that day but you had every right to demand that we fax you our baby’s death certificate before doing anything about our unused tickets. I commend you for your noble attempts to stop the epidemic of women who lie about the death of their children just to avoid paying penalty fees. Frankly, I think you should insist that such women have their documents notarized, do you know how easy it is to fake a death certificate these days?

Looking forward to flying with you again, 
Danny Miller

Dear Mel Gibson,

All is forgiven! Who's to say Jews AREN’T responsible for all the wars in the world? When the truth comes out, I know we'll find that Jewish cabal that started the Punic Wars and the Crusades. And those inflated numbers of people killed in the Holocaust? You were right to defend your pops who you called one of the most intelligent people you know. Mel, why are the Jews always trying to make such a big deal out of that alleged genocide? I’m guessing your dad was also right that the Second Vatican Council was a plot backed by the Jews and that the World Trade Center was blown up by remote control on 9/11 and had nothing to do with al-Queda. That's all for now, Mel. Hey, sorry things didn’t work out with Oksana!

Your pal, 
Danny Miller

P.S. Loved "Apocalypto!” Is there a sequel in the works?

 

Dear Sarah Palin,

What would this country do without you? You are clearly the brightest star on the horizon. (Don’t get me started on how that biatch Katie Couric stole the election from you with her crazy tough questions—as if anyone could remember what newspapers or magazines they read!) I devoured your book in one sitting and want to thank you for everything you are doing to bring unity back to our land. All that “hopey-changey stuff” gives me a major headache, too, and your claims that Obama is weak on terrorism are dead-on. The nerve of that guy “apologizing for America” when he visits other countries! As if we ever need to apologize for anything we do! Like you, I am a fiscal conservative (by the way, love your $100,000 speaking fee to conservative groups…you go, girl!). You can come to my tea party anytime, Sarah! Drill, baby, drill! I already ordered my "Palin/Bachmann 2012" t-shirt!

Your fellow rogue, 
Danny

Comments

[gorillabuns]

My favorite? The American Airlines letter. I do believe you should send it anyway!

[Rhea]

I heard Sarah Palin speak yesterday on Boston Common. I was standing in a sea of her followers and it was creepy. When Sarah uttered "Drill, Baby, Drill," the crowd started chanting the line. It all boils down to a class war. The Tea party appeals to working class people who are tired of getting dumped on.

[Julie Schreiber]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Love it! Thanks for the tax day laughs! xo - Julie

[Erica M]

Totally stealing the concept of this post. I loved it.

[Sarah]

Fantastic!

[your sister]

Love it. A lot.

[churlita]

So funny and so sad all at the same time.

[Campbell]

You should submit these to passiveaggressivenotes.com

[Kirk]

The American Airlines letter was worthy of Kurt Vonnegut.

[Jeff]

That was hysterical. I held it together until I finally spit my water at the screen with the "hopey-changey" line. Brilliant stuff!

[Pam G]

Thanks, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Now you've made me feel guilty about not answering a real letter that a friend in Germany sent me way back in January 2008 as well as letters I got from France & Australia last summer. Don't know why these people can't just be satisfied with being my Facebook friend or getting an occasional email like everyone else. Don't they realize it costs nearly $2 to send one type-written page to Western Europe these days? Who do I write to to complain about that?

Oh, your letter to Mel Gibson is the best. Thanks for putting those thoughts out there, or should I say here?

[Emily Barton]

LOL! Wasn't that fun? And cathartic?

[Danny]

Yes it was, I could have gone on and on! (Can we also write dead people?)

[Paula Wagner]

Outrageously great.
Please please send that airlines letter.

[Jennifer Smith]

BEST. POST. EVER.

[Elise]

Danny, I think I have a crush on your blog - it's that good! :)

[The Pliers]

Yes.

You can write letters to dead people.

Particularly since they are only dead to those folks who never think about them.

And, writing only for myself, I think that you should write letters to dead people if only so that I may be granted the great joy of reading them! But that's just me being selfish.

I agree that the letter to the airlines should be sent, to it, and to a dozen of those "help-the-traveler" sites so that you can mortify the idiocy and insensitivity out of the frequent flyer program manager.

On another note:

The U.S. Census?

Tax Day?

Sarah Palin?

The Tea Party?

Mel Gibson?

L.A.?

The Karwhodians?

I've only been absent from the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave for 6 weeks (did my taxes on 2/26 & my census doc never arrived) and I have neglected to think about any of those things.

You will need to clean up those pens and write a letter for Charlie so that he will have at least one. I have exactly one from my own father...

[Catherine W]

Ha ha ha. I've just spat my drink all over my keyboard.
I second the motion that you should actually send the airline frequent flyer one. They should be ashamed of themselves.

[Danny]

Actually, Kendall DID send the airline a letter like that (minus the sarcasm). As she eloquently stated in that letter, "I can't imagine the person who would lie about the death of a child, but if a few do, then let them get away with it and spare bereaved parents the sorrow and humiliation of proving the truth of the one thing they so wish was not true."

[[email protected]]

Reading this while the TV blasts out blah blah by Kesha or whatever her name is. I am going nuts. But it was topical reading the keeping up with .... bit.
Very funny Danny Boy.

[marc davis]

Hi Danny: Funny and meaningful. Check out Saul Bellow's "Herzog," about a fictional character who writes endless letters to living movers and shakers, similar to yours. Cousin Marc

[m.yahn]

please send them all! please! please! ox,m

[Sally]

that was awesome!

[Minnesota Mamaleh]

love the ode to letter writing (because really, there's not much more heart-warming than a hand written note!) and the much-needed laughs. thanks for both! :)

[jeff (not Spencers Dad]

there goes your chances of visting the letal weapon xxv set

[CB]

Wow, that was a satisfying read, and this stuff didn't even happen to me! Except for maybe the Kardashians and Sarah Palin. Those things are still "happening" everywhere, kind of like earthquakes. And festering boils.

Well said, Danny!

[Karin]

My first visit to your blog. I was googling Andy Hardy because our 5 year old saw his first Andy Hardy film on the weekend. LOL

Thank you, I'll be back. I thoroughly enjoyed your letters, especially the Airlines one. As a bereaved parent myself, I can relate to the crazy crap that comes ones way.

[Shari]

I've been invited to a "reading" party where we will get the chance to read things aloud to each other. I think I may take this post with me.