First Birthday

 

Yesterday was Charlie’s first birthday and it was a wonderful day. We had been anxious about it since it was also the first anniversary of the most traumatic day of our lives. I’ve never talked to any parents of twins who lost one of them on the day they were born, and I’d like to, because it makes for such a complex tangle of emotions. If there’s one thing I’ve learned as far as Charlie is concerned over the past year it’s how to live in the moment and appreciate all the good things as they are happening. We feel so incredibly blessed. But yesterday it was simply impossible for me not to remember that day one year ago that began with Kendall waking me up at 4 in the morning because she was in pain. I wasn’t surprised when I woke up yesterday at exactly that time, but looking over and seeing Kendall and Charlie sleeping so peacefully helped temper the memory of that rising fear that began before dawn last April 27th. 

Moments that I had completely forgotten came rushing back, such as the somber drive to the hospital, with me trying to convince Kendall that nothing was wrong, assuring her that we’d be home by 8 am. I could see that her pain was getting worse as each minute passed but we were both in denial, and I still can’t believe I left her alone out in front of the hospital as I parked the car. When I found her trying to check into the maternity floor the pain had increased so much that she could no longer stand. There were no chairs by the registration window and when she started to go down, they rushed a wheelchair over.

The next few hours were a nightmare of nurses trying to strap two fetal monitors onto Kendall’s belly. I’d never seen her in that much pain but they had to get a reading for 20 consecutive minutes and they just couldn’t do it. She got massive doses of medications designed to stop the contractions, then to help the babies’ lungs. Her whole body shook uncontrollably, she was freezing. Still, we never dreamed the babies would be born, we knew they weren’t ready. I still believed we’d be able to go home and just have Kendall take it easy but they started talking about admitting Kendall to the hospital for the remainder of her pregnancy. “Are you nuts?” we replied. “We have four more months to go!” But minutes later, after a contraction that sent the needle off the monitor and had Kendall doubled over in agonizing pain, a doctor rushed in and announced that the babies were coming, she could see Oliver’s head. “Keep your legs together!” she screamed as they wheeled Kendall away.

I’ve written about what happened next and won’t go into it again but the images from that operating room are forever burned into my mind. I remember exactly what both our sons looked like just after they were taken out and what Kendall looked like as they were stitching her up. I remember the helpless feeling overtaking me as the doctors and nurses struggled furiously to save Oliver. It did not look good—one of his lungs had blown when they tried to insert the ventilator tube and I remember hearing the phrase “catastrophic neurological damage.” Charlie was as tiny as could be and I remember the relief I felt that they seemed to be successfully inserting all of the tubes and lines that were necessary to keep him alive. Not that there was a lot of optimism expressed about his condition—and I had the doctors’ words from an hour earlier ringing in my brain: “These babies are just not ready. We’ve GOT to keep them in for another week or two.”

Sorry, I didn’t mean for Charlie's birthday post to start out this way. I’m actually way less worried now than I’ve ever been about how we are going to celebrate Charlie’s birthday in the future. Despite the terrible memories that came up yesterday, we succeeded in having a truly fun, happy day with our special birthday boy. But I can’t pretend those other feelings weren’t there, too. At 9:48, the moment Charlie was born exactly one year earlier, we were at a Peet’s Coffee on Larchmont, very meaningful for me because for some reason when Kendall was pregnant I always imagined bringing our twin boys there.

We then met Charlie’s physical therapist at Griffith Park and had a great two-hour session where we marveled at how far Charlie has come. He enjoyed his first time on the swings (he couldn’t get enough of it!), his first ride down a slide, his first playtime in a sandbox. If there’s a happier, more contented baby on the planet, I haven’t met him yet.

I made a coconut cake for Charlie’s birthday but instead of eating it ourselves, we decided to bring it over to the Cedars-Sinai NICU and give it to the amazing staff who saved our son’s life on countless occasions over the four and a half months he spent there. It was so great to see them again and to see how happy they all were to see Charlie. I will never forget these folks and it was the only place we could be on his first birthday.

Here’s how Charlie looked when he was first under their care:

 

And here he is during his triumphant return to the NICU one year later:

 

Oh, how I felt for the parents I saw going in and out of the NICU while we were there yesterday. We talked to a few of them and told them a bit of Charlie’s story. I hope it comforted them to see how a baby who was once much smaller than their babies has turned out.

We also wanted to stop by the NICU because that’s where Charlie’s brother Oliver was for the 12 short hours of his life. My daughter Leah was at the hospital on April 27th when Oliver was still alive. She wanted to see him but there was so much happening with him at that time that was very difficult to watch and I suggested we wait until later. Sadly, later never came, and while I still think that was the right decision at the time, I deeply regret that Leah never got to meet her brother. In Oliver’s memory, I’m going to repost the video Leah and I made in his honor. That’s Leah on the soundtrack singing one of her favorite songs to her little brother.

We love you, Oliver. And Charlie, we are so incredibly grateful that you are here with us and so honored to be your parents. Happy Birthday, my beautiful, sweet son, I love you so much! After the NICU, we went to a friend's house. Her 10-year-old daughter had been working on a quilt for Charlie for months and wanted to give it to him on his birthday. When we finally got home, I was exhausted. Kendall then took this photo of me and Charlie in my favorite position:

 

Comments

[Arlene]

Happy 1st Birthday to Charlie, Kendall and Danny!!!! May you have many, many more happy and healthy years together. Enjoy this stage. As you know with Leah they grow up so fast! He is beautiful!

[Sarah]

That post just made me cry like, well, a baby. How utterly beautiful. We love you guys!

Sarah, Kurt and Ben

[Erica M]

Happy birthday to Charlie and blessed mourning and memories of Oliver for you and your beautiful family.

[Maria Sosa]

Aww Danny, such bittersweet memories. Charlie is just the sweetness of life personified. Thanks for sharing him with us.

[sweetsalty kate]

This post made me sit here with my hand over my mouth, all wet-eyed. Happy birthday, Charlie. So much love. xo

[Jane]

I started welling up by the third sentence, had tears streaming down my face by the second paragraph, was sobbing while Leah was singing, and then was smiling through my tears seeing the pictures of that beautiful, beautiful baby boy.

I just love you guys so much.

Happy Birthday to Charlie, and Parents Day to you & Kendall.

[Nichole]

Happy first birthday, Charlie! He has the most terrific little cheeks.

[Maria]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Carolyn Normandin]

I'm saying Kaddish as I write this. Now I'll finish by singing "Happy Birthday!"

[V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios]

Sharing all the sweetness and sorrow. I'm so happy you returned to the NICU--it means so much to the nurses (and doctors). The sadness of the day will never disappear, but joy will overtake it...

[Annika]

Happy Birthday, Charlie!

[Melinda]

Happy Birthday, Charlie! You've come a long way, baby.

And what a lovely way to memorialize Oliver.

[Frume Sarah]

Stunning. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

[Jeff]

Wonderful post Danny! I'm such a mix of emotions after just reading it I can't imagine what you guys are feeling. That picture of Charlie in the NICU is so scary. But what an stunning contrast on year later --e he looks so chubby, healthy and happy now.

Happy Birthday Charlie.

[amy krouse rosenthal]

Happy Birthday, Charlie... I send so much love to you and your family. Always. amy k.r.

[Marilyn Molnar]

Happy Birthday Charlie and many. many more. May Oliver's memory be a blessing to you all.
With much love,
Bubbe Marilyn

[Julie R.]

Love to all of you, especially Charlie and Oliver.

[churlita]

Happy birthday to Charlie. he's come a long way, baby.

And my condolences about Oliver.

[Emily Barton]

I've been waiting for this post, which brought the tears I expected, like so many of your posts did last year. Happy, happy birthday to Lovely Baby Charlie, and God bless Baby Oliver. God bless all of you, actually. I hope you don't mind if I paste this to my FB page. So many of my friends prayed for you-all last year, and I think they might like to see Charlie now.

[Mike Cohen]

Happy birthday, Charlie. He's a little miracle.

[Kirk]

Happy first birthday, Charlie.

[jason]

Yay! Congratulations! Happy birthday indeed, Charlie. And thank you, Danny and Kendall, for sharing this fantastic milestone. It's nothing short of beautiful.

[jeff(not spencer"s dad)]

happy birthday kido.

[Connie Burke]

Wow, great post Danny. Thank you for sharing this. What an incredible Dad you are - if the world had more parents like you, we wouldn't have any social ills!
I just love those pix of Charlie. What a happy guy! Even through pictures, he is putting something really wonderful and positive out into the universe.
Happy Birthday to Charlie and to Oliver. I am sending my best to your amazing family.

[Sally]

Happy Birthday to all of you! Charlie looks wonderful, it's hard to imagine that he's the same baby you introduced us to a year ago. Can't tell you how much it has meant that you have shared your journey with us. Those pictures of Charlie visiting the NICU on his birthday looking so healthy and with his adorable smile bring tears of happiness to my eyes. Here's to many, many more happy milestones!

[Pam G]

Happy first birthday to your beautiful son. I can't believe a year has passed since that day and even recall my own anxious checking of the blog for news in the months that followed as well as my elderly and nearly blind mom standing at my shoulder in this very room during her various visits to me last summer, always asking me what was happening and trying to view Charlie's progress.

Charlie looks so happy now. I'm glad to see this. And Oliver will remain in our hearts & minds always.

[Ana]

Happy Birtday Charlie!!!

[Dr. Judy]

Happy birthday Charlie xxoo

[Frances]

Happy Birthday Charlie.

[Hilary]

Happy birthday, beautiful Charlie.

[amba]

Happysad birthday! Will it always be that way? Charlie is so chubby and happy, he looks as if he's living for two.

[Gordon]

He's a keeper ! Happy Birthday, Charlie !

[Debbie Voll]

What a joy to share in this special, special day! Happy Birthday, Charlie!

[Otir]

I did cry a lot reading your post, Danny, I guess in blessed memory of Oliver, and with emotion to celebrate Charlie's life. I hadn't remember their date of birth, so you were right to write this post, and may it have eased the pain of the sad memories, so that we just remember instead of just reliving. I wish you all many more happy celebrations and only simkhas.

[Judy]

I too was blown away by this post. Especially happy to see the smiles and joy on the faces of the nurses at the NICU and Charlie's smiles to them. What joy! I wondered if Charlie remembered them. The last photo especially was precious as he reminded me of your grandmother and her children...the glint of mischief in his eyes...quite precious and very Schulz-Karolnek looking. Happy, Happy Belated Birthday Wishes to Charlie. Please hug and kiss him for me!

[mary]

Belated Birthday wishes to Charlie! He is truly one of the most gorgeous babies I have ever seen ( and I have 4 of my own!) I can't imagine what it is like to have a day that would bring you so much joy and at the same time so much pain for your loss of Oliver. Your writing is so pure and beautiful, thank you for sharing your feelings and your life, I am sure you will never know just how many people you have touched.

[Danita Cherney]

Such a beautiful post. Happy Birthday and Sto Lat to baby Charlie. Thoughts of love to Oliver.

[Karen]

Wishing a belated happy birthday to Charlie!! And to you guys as well.. what a year it's been, no doubt. As for Oliver.. I hope he and Parker had a wonderful day on Oliver's birthday, wherever it is that they are.

And Charlie.. what a charmer!!

[TorontoPearl]

A beautiful yet bittersweet post. Life is always about simcha and sorrow. May Oliver's memory be for a blessing, and may Charlie continue to thrive and happily celebrate many more birthdays for countless years to come. Happy Birthday, Charlie, and mazel tov to Mom, Dad & big sis.

[laurie]

WOW. I can't believe it has already been a year. Happy Birthday Charlie! What beautiful post. Thank you Danny for sharing the joy and sorrow so honestly.

[Katie A]

What a beautiful tribute to Charlie and Oliver. Happy birthday, Charlie!

[Siva]

Charlie is my superhero! Sorry I missed you guys on his birthday. But the photos did make my day! Heard the coconut cake was yummy, so you have to send me the recipe for me to try it...

Always,
Siva

[your sister]

I want to eat Charlie. I can't take it.

xxoo

[B]

An amazing post, with visuals to match. Happy birthday, Charlie!

[Sheila Linderman]

I could eat him with a spoon (Sue will have to share). Happy birthday, all of you!

[Alan]

Happy Birthday, Charlie.

[Jane]

Happy Birthday, Charlie! You are the picture of health and happiness. Kinnehora (or however you spell it)

[Paula Wagner]

36 years ago I gave birth to a little girl close to the end of my seventh month. Her weight was 1.1 kilo. She was born in Tzfat in Israel. Back then there was no such thing as a NICO, especially up in the boondocks.
I named her Zohar. It means radiance. Zohar lived for such a short time. She had my husband's feet. I still remember and am able to relive every second of that time and often do. The sadness never leaves but I learned to feel blessed and grateful for my 3 children healthy children. Zohar came in and out of my life so quickly but she has never left my heart.
Charlie is your blessing and I wish him a Happy Birthday. In Hebrew we say "until 120", (like Abraham).

[Jeff]

Happy Birthday, Charlie! Wow, you're a big boy now with two wonderful parents...and you're handsome on top of it. Maybe, it's because of my blood? Probably not!! Ethan Kai and Ana Sophia are a year old on May 3rd. They've all come a long way since the NICU. We'll have to have some play dates for the three of them.

[marc and judy]

Happy Birthday to the miracle guy. He looks so robust and jolly. Wishing all of you many more years of good health, pleasant surprises, adventure, and fulfillment. Love to all, Marc and Judy

[Lori Kirkland Baker]

(I can't believe I am so late to this post...)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET BOYS!

Danny, Charlie looks fantastic. What a twinkle in his eye. I remember seeing that first picture of him days after he was born and just aching for him to grow and breathe and heal. And he has. He's amazing.

I send you both congratulations and comforting hugs on this complicated anniversary. I'm so grateful for the wonder that is Charlie.

xo
Lori

[Catherine W]

I can't believe that it has already been a whole year.

Happy birthday sweet Charlie! He looks so good. I still struggle to reconcile those first few photos with those taken months down the line.

Leah sings beautifully. I'm crying watching that beautiful video. Remembering Oliver. Much love to you and your family. x

[Elise]

Such a beautiful tribute to your sons.

Charlie is so very precious! Happy first birthday to your miraculous boy.

[david]

Amazing. Mazal Tov. 'nuff said.

[Chris]

He's an amazing boy, and a gift to amazing parents. Happy Birthday, Charlie [a little belated], and peace to sweet Oliver... and you all.

[Sophia]

It's belated, but I'm sure you could celebrate it all year long! Happy Birthday, Cherub Charlie and the whole mishpucha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI7ukASK4NM

xoxoxo

[Paula]

What a beautiful boy! And you are my favorite writer of all things family and nostalgic! God grant you many years, Charlie!

[Candi]

Happy birthday, Charlie! You are gorgeous!

[anonymous]

Came to your blog through Wilco connections and I vividly remember your post from last year with the devastating news of the unexpected birth of your sons. I've followed your family's story throughout the past year. YOU MADE IT! Your son is absolutely adorable and he just radiates with health and happiness. So very happy for you and your wife. May your son Oliver rest in peace.

[Kwild]

I'm late to the party, but all my best to Charlie and your family. You've been through so much pain and you deserve all the happiness that little cutie gives you.

[suzanne]

Ooh, such a long year and yet it has changed my life in so many ways. Thank you for sharing so much. I am always surprised with your openness in sharing each detail. I loved your blog before and will continue to check in, however I'll admit that I am slacking off and catching up when I can now that Charlie is growing and so beautiful. Your loss is great, I hope the pain lessens but for now we'll all celebrate health, happiness and love.

[Patsy]

Happy first B-Day to that lovely million dollar Baby. What a year you and your family have had. I'm so very happy to see Charlie is doing so good.

[Sarah David]

Danny, he is so beautiful! I can't get over how much he looks like Judy.

Sarah

[D.K.Milgrim-Heath]

Happy 1st Birthday To Charlie Your Boy
By D.K. Milgrim-Heath©2010
Happy 1st birthday to Charlie your boy!
Your photogenic darling always Charlie - a real special joy!
I do understand last year’s real parental concern-
As my parents had the same with me being their turn.
Charlie was born one pd but a few oz. smaller than me-
But we were chosen for our life so precious to be.
My mom never seeing me being 1pd. 11oz. so small-
She didn’t want to remember me if I didn’t make it at all.
Obviously they took no photos when I was born that 1953 July-
I’m sorry that was protocol back then so that was why.
I saw preemie clothes last week being small as can be-
Having to wear doll clothes since preemie clothes weren’t around for me!
I still have my bassinet cover gently preserved-
That I used for my three children still that it served.
Obviously I did make it as your sweet Charlie did too-
Or I wouldn’t be writing you anything when I do!
Danny and Kendall such this important milestone you lovingly did share-
The hospital staff shared this with Charlie also because he was once there.
The old photos when you and your wife were just only year one-
Showing them to your kids -the newer generation has begun.
For your children seeing you in diapers yourself and not too tall-
Or even starting to walk on old home movies the thrills of it all!
Our children can’t believe that their parents were once babies too-
I’ve those photos, home movies and also so do you!!!!
When we go back on memory lane for just a short while-
Reliving personal,our children’s photo/movie memories in style.