A Post About SEX

 

Charlie went to his very first movie yesterday. It’s been raining all week so Leah’s school cancelled classes (only in L.A.!) and in the afternoon we decided to go to a film Leah had been wanting to see: “Youth in Revolt” starring Michael Cera. The policy at Arclight Cinemas is to charge infants FULL-PRICE, they don’t even get the children’s discount. I guess that’s to discourage parents from bringing their babies to the theatre. And they should be discouraged, I always look on aghast when I see babies in the audience. But...not MY baby! Shouldn’t Arclight make an exception for an infant who already knows the score to every Rodgers & Hammerstein movie ever made? After getting his $16 ticket, Charlie was the perfect moviegoer, staring at the screen in silent, rapt attention for the first half of the film and then sleeping soundly for the second half (a pattern I’ve been known to follow). Did I mention that Charlie’s first movie was R-rated?

The very first shot of “Youth in Revolt,” even before the opening credits, was of Michael Cera furtively masturbating to an old Penthouse magazine. Oy. It was then that I realized that one of the main plots of the film was Cera’s quest to lose his virginity. Many scenes of wild sex-making among young teens followed during the next two hours. This wasn’t “Porky’s,” it was actually a very good film with a wonderful cast (including Jean Smart, Fred Willard, Steve Buscemi, Mary Kay Place, and Ray Liotta) but it still felt uncomfortable at times to be watching this movie with my 15-year-old daughter and my baby son. Hello? Department of Child & Family Services?

Not that anything in the film was news to Leah, she learned all about the birds and the bees (do they still call it that?) starting in 5th grade in a series of very frank classes at her elementary school. And she’s seen many films that depict young people's fascination with sex. Her favorite musical is “Spring Awakening” which begins its second act with a graphic bit of simulated sex between the two main characters (both now starring in “Glee,” one of Leah’s favorite TV shows that also pulls no punches in the teen sex department). I assume Charlie will also have straightforward sex ed classes in grade school, and we will certainly be responsive if he has any questions or concerns before then.

I come from the first generation of young kids who had sex education classes at a very early age. As I wrote in a post several years ago, my 4th grade classmates and I were the guinea pigs for a new sex education program they were piloting in the Chicago public schools in the 1960s. Our educators thought they were being oh-so-hip  and progressive, but the information was steeped in so much awkwardness that it’s a wonder any of us ever lost our virginity. We frequently did responsive readings from our sex ed textbook—the one that made human bodies sound like grotesque undulating masses filling up with blood at every opportunity. As we sat waiting for our turn to read aloud we would count the number of kids who were ahead of us and then count the paragraphs in the book to find ours in advance, praying that we wouldn’t have to read the words “vagina” or “penis” in front of our classmates.

One day our teacher sent the boys out of the room and had a private session with the girls. When we returned, the girls, looking a little queasy, were clutching thick brown paper envelopes. We longed to know what was inside those mysterious packages. The next day during lunch some of the boys tackled Adrienne Becker on the playground and grabbed the contraband. We were all deeply disappointed by the color illustrations of the female menstrual cycle. The uterus looked like a venus fly trap, waiting to snap its prey. The cross-cut view of fallopian tubes and ovaries looked like some kind of evil monster mask, a little like the disembodied head of the fake wizard before Dorothy discovers the man behind the curtain.

Our public school sex ed experiment continued into the upper elementary grades. By then we were immune to the embarrassment of reading certain words out loud and we even looked for ways to cause more discomfort to our well-meaning teachers, most of whom would rather have stuck forks in their eyes than teach us about our blossoming sexuality. I’ll never forget the day that my friend Helena, just to freak out our teacher Mrs. Pink, raised her hand during sex education and asked how homosexuals had sex. Mrs. Pink turned several shades darker than her name and tried to act like the groovy hipster she longed to be (earlier that month she had us singing “Blowin’ in the Wind” and “Scarborough Fair” at our school assembly). Searching her brain for an answer that wouldn’t make her the subject of the next PTA meeting, she finally stammered, “They rub each other until it feels good. Next question?” Poor Mrs. Pink. Even her white lipstick and paisley mini-skirt couldn’t hide the fact that she was more Pat Nixon than Gloria Steinem.

Our sex ed classes were frequently accompanied by filmstrips or movies. I recently found one educational film online from that time period that I’m sure we watched in class. We certainly saw many just like it. Viewing these films today, I can admire the intentions of the filmmakers to cut through the bullshit of the previous era and present a no-nonsense view of human sexuality. But the films are so awkward that it’s a miracle any of us ever had sex. If you have about eight minutes to spare, you MUST take a look at some scenes from this 1960s masterpiece:

YIKES! Again, I admire the message, but I’m not sure any of these actors went on to successful film careers. I did think that teenaged girl talking about her period to the leering man (why couldn’t they have her talking to a woman?) was very good. I felt for the teen boy discussing his negative feelings about masturbation, especially if this film was ever shown in his high school class. I had to edit out several scenes of the film that actually showed naked toddlers touching their genitals because I worried that I could get arrested for trafficking child pornography. As icky as this film is (girls’ “nests” filling with blood?), in some ways it is more progressive and daring than a lot of the materials used today, especially in the misguided abstinence-only programs. I may just save these clips to show Charlie the first time he asks where babies come from.

Comments

[Sarah]

What a great post! The entirety of my sex education consisted of going to the gym in 5th grade with all the other girls and learning about how fun having a period is and how cramps can be relieved with simple exercises. LIES. No mention of the dreaded penis or the havoc it could wreak.

Speaking of, Ben's first movie was dangerously close to being "Bruno".

[Sue Katz]

I'm older than you and our sex education consisted of warnings that kissing led to pregnancy. I had several days of panic after that and stopped the practice of my dad kissing me goodnight on the cheek.
Sue

[Kirk]

They had sex education classes when I was in the fifth grade, too. This was 1972-73. It was called Human Relations Scence or something like that. There were about three classes, and they were so mind-numbingly boring (even the film strips; the venus fly trap comparison was apt) I pretty much had to learn sex all over again in the streets.

[Campbell]

I actually find this video pretty progressive for the time! I had "sex ed" in 5th grade. To be part of the course you had to have a signed permission slip and I remember that many parents were upset that the school was going to have the class. They separated the boys and girls so I'm not sure what video the boys were subjected to, but the video the girls watched was a film from the 70's talking about periods, pads, and tampons and showed us images of ovaries. No mention of sex, masturbation, or giving birth and this was in 1992.

[Sarah]

I should also add that for far too long I thought that ANYTHING entering a vagina could cause pregnancy, that the penis was merely one culprit. Needless to say, tampons confused me.

[pragmaticmom]

I think the burden of sex ed falls on the parents rather than the public schools. I found that giving my 4th grader a book called Understanding the Facts of Life (Usborne is the publisher), followed by Q and A was a gentle way to do it. I blog on this at http://pragmaticmom.com. Entry: The Birds and Bees Talk. Other readers also offer up their favorite sex ed books for their kids. Hope this helps.

Pragmatic Mom

[jeff ( not Spencer's dad)]

how much does the infant popcorn cost.

[anita]

Danny,
I originally came upon your blog because of Charlie but I had no idea what a treasure I'd found! This little film is awesome! The other day, as my kids were watching The Sound of Music, I came here to see if you'd ever written about it and found yet another great post. I don't read many blogs but what I especially like about yours is that you're clearly writing from the heart, for yourself and your family, and not for your audience (though thank you for allowing us strangers in). This is what makes your writing such a pleasure for me, and I thank you for that. Anita

[The Pliers]

I seem to vaguely recall that "period" film in 6th grade, given my identity as a female, that is.

However, the greater revelation was the synchronization, in my mind, of the old Pepto-Bismol commercial with the first fiber-optics presentation I ever saw of the human esophagus. Now that was a surprise! I had previously been under the impression that all of our organs were just dangling in the air until that fantastic voyage.

My indelible memories of cinema include "Rear Window" and "Vertigo," both experienced, no doubt in an Oklahoma drive-in with my parents at a very impressionable age. No matter how many times I see them, it's the original experience that continues to undergird my feelings about the mystery of cinema and life.

It's nice to imagine you with your two babies at the movies.

[Betty Fox]

Danny, your "truths" sometimes bring tears to my eyes. I wish I could hug you.

[Erica M]

Great post, Danny. I laughed at (not Spencer's dad) Jeff's infant popcorn comment which is actually a very good question.

Where I live, Cinemark charges for babies, AMC does not. As a matter of fact, if the baby chooses not to cooperate and you have to leave, you get a rain check for another day, any movie that never expires.

Thanks for another wonderful read...

[Shari]

I so clearly remember counting those paragraphs, anticipating which part I would have to read aloud...

[Helena]

For the 300th time, Mrs. Pink did not say that.
With great unease she told me that she would explain after class. I went to her after class and she said, with even greater unease, "they use their hands." It was not totally a need to put an adult on the spot--I really had no idea.
I had sex-ed with Mrs. Sideman.She told us about her husband's wet dreams and had me so confused that by the end of the day I was sure you got your period once in your lifetime and it came gushing out of an opening in your lower back.

[Danny]

Oh right, I always get that story wrong. But as God is my witness, someone at Peterson school told us "they rub each other until it feels good." Mrs. Rosenstein? Mrs. Stone? Mr. Krane?

[Julie R.]

Danny,
I'm still imagining Charlie at the movie with you and Leah...how cute! Hope he got his money's worth!

The video is hilarious. I had sex ed from 5th to 8th grade and don't remember any films like that. I do remember that in 7th or 8th grade we had a sex-ed teacher named Leni Wildflower. I wonder if Kendall remembers her. We had to pass around different forms of birth control, including a condom that all the kids insisted had already been used (this was a coed class).

Julie

[Mindy Garza]

I was hoping for a tribute to Jean Simmons,but was equally pleased to read this hilarious post.

Check out the 50's version of Molly Grows Up on youtube and the guy version from the same company. "Golly!"

[Pearl]

I went to a moderately religious Jewish day school, and aside from the early bloomers giving us "inside info" during recess and lunch hours, I can recall an animated movie about the facts of life being shown in grade 6 -- the boys and girls separately. My friend, who chose to sit beside me, warned me, "I'll pinch you at the parts that gross me out." Let me tell you, Danny, by the end of that 30+ minute cartoon film, my upper arm was black and blue!

[Sheila Linderman]

I love this post, and I love the comments! I'm reasonably certain that our 5th grade class at Peterson was the first to experience sex ed. Picture it: all the girls in one classroom with Ms. Baresky, and the boys in another with, I believe, Mrs. Geib. The year? 1967! In my case, sex ed was a far better choice than anything I could ever get out of my mother. My father, who was an MD, thought it was too dumbed down. My brother, who is 8 years older than I, took it upon himself to give me inside scoop. Ah, those were the days!

[david]

I am shocked -- shocked! -- that you took Charlie to that movie.

No, really, the whole thing is priceless. It's a wonder our generation knows how to procreate.

[Patsy]

I remember getting "THE TALK" not from my mom but my granma. I was told never let a boy touch you you could end up pregnant. Sitting on the front steps as we did in Chicago one of the neighbor boys about 7 years younger than me brushed up against me to sit down. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I had thinking I at 12 was going to have a baby. Talk about misinformation. I wonder how my father got here at all. Thank goodness for better sex ed. since then.