Half-Birthday

 

Here is Charlie celebrating his half-birthday is an outfit hand-knit for him by the talented Ellen Bloom of L.A. Is My Beat. My son is one of the best-dressed babies in Los Angeles, certainly light years ahead of his dad!

It is so hard to believe that six months have passed since that day last April. We are so very grateful to have Charlie home with us now and that he is thriving after six major surgeries and so many months in intensive care, but I’m still feeling some of the after-effects of the PTSD that resulted from that terrifying time. This morning I was doing some work on my computer at a coffee shop on Larchmont when the clock struck the times our sons were born: 9:46 for Oliver and 9:48 for Charlie. Oliver was first and he was significantly bigger than Charlie. During Kendall’s short pregnancy, Oliver always dominated the ultrasounds, healthy and active and blocking (protecting?) his brother from view. For a while we knew that Oliver was a boy but he kept moving so much he obscured a good look at his Charlie’s parts.

But for whatever reasons, our rambunctious, full-of-life boy was not strong enough to survive premature childbirth. We still don’t know what caused Kendall to go into labor at 24 weeks, there were none of the usual infections and Oliver’s extensive autopsy showed that his body and organs were developing perfectly. But from the second he was born, the doctors struggled mightily to keep him alive. None of the lines were going in as easily as they were on Charlie. Nothing was working and with each passing hour more extreme measures were considered and then rejected as being too invasive in his fragile state. “Let’s wait until morning and see if he stabilizes” was the constant refrain. He died less than 12 hours after he was born. We miss him every day.

If I had to remember one moment from that horrific day, it would be when I had what I'd have to call an out-of-body experience in the operating room. Minutes earlier Kendall and I were in another room discussing the fact that Kendall was going to have to spend the rest of her pregnancy (weeks or even months, we naively thought) at Cedars. What?! We couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t we just go home and take it easy? We tried to bargain with the doctors. “Well, we’ll take another look tomorrow and re-evaluate,” they said as they left the room. Suddenly the contractions monitor that Kendall was strapped to went completely berserk. The needle I’d been watching left the usual position and bounced literally off the chart. And it stayed there. Kendall doubled over in pain and collapsed on the bed causing me to run into the hall and start screaming like Shirley MacLaine. The doctor who had just examined Kendall came back in the room. She put her hands between Kendall’s legs and shouted in panic: “I’M TOUCHING THE BABY’S HEAD! KENDALL, KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER AND DO NOT PUSH!” Kendall was wheeled out immediately and I was told to stay put in the now empty room. The next thing I knew I was pushed into a surgical gown and thrust into the operating room.

The first thing I saw was Kendall on the operating table, her emergency C-section just completed and her internal organs in full view. I spun around to the other side of the small room and saw Oliver and Charles, each on his own surgical table with teams of doctors working around them. Both babies were a frightening color but only Oliver had bruises over much of his body. His sweet little mouth was black. Charlie was covered in bubble wrap and despite the horror of his appearance, someone told me that he was doing okay. This was when I traveled out of my body. I was desperately trying to understand what was happening but it was just too much to take in. I felt woozy and like I was in a dream and I started to bounce about the room like a pinball, coming close to several of the busy doctors who shouted at me to move back. I felt my body rising like a balloon to the ceiling of that cramped room and looking down at myself and the teams of doctors working furiously on my wife and two sons. Our OB/GYN had finally arrived and she was stitching Kendall up. I looked over to Oliver and Charles and couldn’t believe what I was seeing or how such tiny, alien-looking creatures could possibly survive. I felt like if I didn’t stop rising above them I would keep drifting past the confines of Cedar-Sinai and into space. “STOP! Those are your children,” I repeated to myself over and over again. “Your sons. There is your wife. They all need you. Come back into your body. You have to come back.” As I repeated this mantra, I began floating down into the room and back into my body. I still couldn’t process what was happening but I knew I had to be there for my family.

That’s about all of that day that I can handle right now. There’s a lot more but I’ve learned during the past six months when I need to ground myself in the present. We lost so much that day but we also gained our wonderful son who would face endless travails over the next 137 days. I wish I could say that I was always filled with confidence and certainty that Charlie would be coming home with us, but that would be a lie. In those early weeks, I couldn’t allow myself to think such a thing and it made me painfully uncomfortable when anyone said anything about it, even Kendall. But as we got to know Charlie, his wonderful personality, and his incredible drive to survive, the love I felt for him trumped any fears I had about his chances for survival. I unabashedly threw myself into hopes and prayers for the time when he’d be home in our arms. And now that time is here as we ecstatically mark his half-birthday. Never getting to know Oliver’s unique personality other than his playful in-utero antics is a sadness we’ll have to live with for the rest of our lives. But Charlie brings us so much joy and happiness that his brother’s sacrifice was definitely not in vain. Happy Half-Birthday, my beautiful sons.

Comments

[gorillabuns]

Happy Birthday to both of your sons indeed. and Charlie, you are one handsome little man.

[Neil]

I think you should always celebrate this half birthday as Charlie gets older, so you have two birthday celebrations each year! Regards to the family.

[Pearl]

What a lovely baby, pu, pu, pu!

I like Neil's idea a lot; celebrate each day, then mark each half birthday with an extraspecial celebration.

[Leightongirl]

Beautiful.

[Kathryn]

So glad you've got your little Charlie at home with you. Your family has been through hell and back, I hope you can relax now and enjoy the wonder of being a new dad. Happy half-birthday, Charlie and Oliver.

[liza]

happy half birthday. Snazzy outfit. Danny, you always leave me teary. I was rooting so hard for Charlie, as were we all, and it's just so good that he's home with you all.

[sweetsalty kate]

Hand to my heart. Again, as always, when here with you. xo

[Helena]

Happy half birthday Charlie. You look great in green!

[maggie may]

A very merry unbirthday to you, Charlie man!

[Elise]

Happy half-birthday to both your sons -- to Charlie, who lives in your home and arms, and to Oliver who lives in your heart.

[Beth]

Your post bought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that you lost your little Oliver.

I hope that the next 6 months bring only joy and happiness to you all.

[Decca]

Happy Birthdays to the boys, each one such an emormous presence in your lives, and I'm not sure how it has happened, but a constant thought in mine as I raise my two. Thank you for reminding me to live in the moment.

One moment in mine: I was recently watching Words and Music with my four-year old Jonah. We watch musicals all the time---The Music Man, Singing in the Rain, The Bandwagon, and (this comes into play) On the Town are favorites. When Betty Garrett appeared on the screen, being courted by Mickey Rooney, Jonah glanced at my shrewdly and said, "When she's in New York, she drives a taxi." I only know of a few people who would get this, and you are one. So, I thought of you and your lovely family, and my knowledge of you all through this, the only blog I read faithfully.

[Pam G]

A wonderful half-birthday wish for your sons. Charlie is precious and Oliver will never be forgotten.

[Catherine W]

Happy half-birthday to both your lovely boys. Charlie does look very stylish in green and here's to many many happy birthdays (half and otherwise in the future)

I certainly felt like I was walking three feet to one side of myself for quite sometime after the girls were born. I'm so terribly sorry that Oliver is not here with you, celebrating with his twin.

[Elaine Soloway]

Danny,

So glad your body has righted itself and come back down to earth. It should be stable now (well, relatively) with your glorious family on all sides.

Kid looks terrific!

xoxo
Fake Grandma

[Judy]

Belated unbirthday wishes to Charlie. He does look so handsome in green. Pu pu pu.
May he get stronger and stronger as he grows in good health. so sweet is his expression....give him lots of hugs for me and everyone who made comments!

[Jan]

A toast to Charlie and his wonderful family on this stellar occasion.

[Amy]

This is a beautiful post. I have tears in my eyes for you and your boys... but I also feel so happy at the same time. Happy half birthday baby boys!

[churlita]

Six months already? that's crazy. I'm so sorry for the loss of Oliver, but also happy that you have a beautiful Charlie to play with everyday.

[Gordon]

Dear Danny,

Losing Oliver is not a sadness that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. It's something terrible that happened, that you're choosing to dwell on for the rest of your life. And, all that wasted effort is cheating the rest of your family out of a lot of the love and attention that they deserve from you. It's time to kiss Oliver goodbye and concentrate on the living. My comments are made in kindness, not to be mean. And, I think that they are something from which you would greatly benefit if you chose to take them to heart.

Charlie looks great. Celebrate every day.

Gordon

[Danny]

Thanks for your comment, Gordon, and I know it's made in kindness but I don't think it applies to me or my family at all. I can see if I was obsessing on our other son to the exclusion of enjoying Charlie's presence in our lives but I assure you that's not the case. We couldn't be happier these days but that doesn't mean there still isn't a sadness about Oliver that will always be there. Both co-exist beautifully. Thinking about the son that we lost doesn't take away from the happiness that we feel. It helps me to write about Oliver on here from time to time but it in no way indicates any kind of unhealthy obsession.

[Anonymous]

Dear Danny: I am a reader of your blog and have appreciated your generosity in sharing your very personal journey with us. I haven't commented here before but feel compelled to after reading what Gordon wrote. I have to say, my mouth dropped open in shock. This might be presumptuous on my part as I don't know what your relationship is with Gordon but I think his comments to you are cruel, insensitive, and heartless...at best. Gordon, I think you need to do some serious soul searching as to why you would say such a thing to someone. Oliver is a part of Danny and his family, and always will be. Shame on you.

[Avery and Lowry]

Hi Danny,

We think you are awesome and were just telling our Grandma about Charlie and Oliver.

We love that picture of Charlie he looks like a little green zuchinni. A happy, healthy little green zuchinni. Smiling and sunshiney.

We made a video but erased it by accident when we went to LA and filmed a lot of stuff. Anyhow, we were dancing around and singing for Charlie & Oliver with our friends. We will make it again, for Char-lollie, which is the name we like and which is a good blend.

Happy Halloween, keep writing and be yourself and we will keep singing for Char-lollie.

Avery and Lowry

[Teresa Strasser]

I just found your site because you were kind enough to link to mine, and I feel so lucky to have discovered you.
After getting caught up on your story (found myself reading post after post), I could not be more moved by your beautiful birthday post and the photo of your gorgeous, knit-clad child. What an adorable little man.
Look forward to keeping up with your blog and hearing news of your family.
Teresa

[Lori Kirkland Baker]

What a beautiful post.

And Charlie is so gorgeous. He really looks fantastic.

xoxox
Hugs to all...
Lori

[laurie]

Thank you for sharing some of the heart wrenching moments of that difficult day. Love and blessings to your whole family.

[Rachel]

Charlie is so cute!!! Happy half birthday, little guy!

[Gordon]

Dear Danny,

Thanks for your very thoughtful response. I'm glad you realized that I was simply being concerned. As you know, I'm a big fan of your blog, and I'm just an outsider looking in, so it's impossible for me to always clearly understand what you're experiencing. Your writing has made me care about you and your family, and to wish you all the best.

Gordon

[K Wild]

This is a heart-wrenching post. It's hard to fathom what you've been through - the combined joys and sorrows. I think you are brave to revisit the sad times. I've learned through some counseling that sometimes exhausting a memory by revisiting it in every painful way is the best, and maybe only, way to come to grips with it. Not to erase it, but to allow it to become an emotionally easier part of your life. Happy half-birthdays! (I'm trying to remember where the tune with the words "a very merry unbirthday, to you..." comes from?)

[Kimberley]

Thank you for writing such a beautiful post and including all of us in your family's story. I am so sorry that you didn't get to know Oliver and am sorry that we didn't get share his story as we have Charlie's. I think about you often on the other side of the world, and think both your sons are so lucky to have such an amazing father and family. I am always taken aback seeing new pictures of Charlie at just how far he has come. He's truly amazing.
I recently wrote a story (I'm a journalist) about stillbirth and miscarriage, and talked to people who had experienced these tragedies. One woman, whose daughter had died during birth, told me that it's not about 'getting over it', it's not about 'moving on' from losing a baby, it's just different as time passes. The baby, who they named Aster, is very much a part of their lives, and every year they celebrate her birthday.
All my best wishes to you and yours, and happy half-birthday Charlie! xx

[Ellen Bloom]

I just knew that red-headed Charlie would look great in green. Let me know when he outgrows his current ensemble and I'll craft another, bigger one for the handsome lad!

[Julie R.]

Danny,
What a milestone. Charlie looks adorable.

Love,
Julie

[Patsy]

Love the outfit and the handsome bonnie model. Six months, he's truely a million dollar baby. I wish you all many, many six month birthdays.

[Candi]

Happy 6 months, Charlie! I have a feeling he will always have that protective brother looking after him...

[Margie]

Echo the last post before mine--hugs to all

[Emily Barton]

That happy little face was so worth all the torment and trouble. However, I too, mourn with you over little Oliver, especially now that you've given me this beautiful portrait of him. I'm absolutely sure he knows how much his parents love and miss him.

I have always wished to have an out-of-body experience, but not if that's how to have one. What an interesting story, though. You've now done two things I've always wished to do: seen a ghost and had an out-of-body experience. May I touch you next time I see you?
:-)!

[suzanne]

I am glad we are reminded that Charlie is part of something larger and special. He will forever be linked with Oliver, and why not? Oliver is his brother.
I had already thought this before I saw the well meaning thoughts of poor Gordon.
I hope Charlie is always told the story of the day he was born. All children love this story because no matter what happened, it is dramatic and stars them! Some indeed are more dramatic than others but Oliver will never be forgotten because of your stories. I thank you for discussing Charlie's successes and will carry Oliver's story with me, as well.

[Marilyn Molnar]

Dear Danny,

Oliver will always be a part of your lives as was the baby I lost before I adopted my 2 great kids and then was suprised (to say the least when my Danny was born). I wish for you and Kendall the joy I recently felt when walking down the aisle at my Danny's wedding when you walk your Charlie to the chupah. Happy half birthday, Charlie and many, many more.

Love,
Gramma Marilyn

[anita]

Happy birthday to your beautiful Charlie and your angel Oliver. I think it's great that you're celebrating your boys as often as you like. After 8 years, we still celebrate my daughter's birthday, her due date, and the day she came home from the hospital. Now that she's in school, she also gets a half birthday party since her actual birthday is during summer. Thank you once again for sharing your heartwarming story full of love for your 3 children with a stranger.

[Cristina]

Dear Danny,
what a beautiful and moving post... Happy 6 months to dear Charlie and our best thoughts to dear Oliver, who'll always be remembered.
Love! Cristina

[Heather]

Happy half-birthday baby Charlie. I bet baby Oliver is smiling down on the family and feels a tad jealous that you're all together even though he's in heaven with his grandmom and an unlimited hot fudge sundae bar (or at least that's what I assume heaven is like).

[Karen]

Danny,

This made me cry - please keep writing as much as you can about that day, as soon as you're ready - you are capturing it so well!

Happy Half-Birthday to Charlie!!

Love,

Karen

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

What a Horrific experience for you and Kendall...And Thank God, Charlie is doing so Beautifully!
A VERY VERY HAPPY HALF-BIRTHDAY TO DEAR CHARLIE!
There are Miracles all around us all the time.

[Darian]

Sending love to Kendall and you and Charlie and Oliver. My parents were kvelling about how delicious and adorable Charlie is. Mike and I can't wait to see you all and meet him ourselves one of these days soon.
xoxo darian

[miiri]

i was wondering how you and the family were doing so wandered to your blog. your post was so sweet and real, it made me teary. i'm so happy to hear about the great progress he and all of you have made these hard past months. hope we can meet the little guy some time when we're in LA. -miiri

[amba]

A lot of people in our society are uncomfortable with grief and feel it is something to be gotten over with as quickly as possible. But grief is love, who wants to get over love?

Mazel Tov, all of you -- all of you.

[Chris]

This was difficult to read. I can only try to imagine how difficult it was to experience.

Your [and Kendall's] strength, compassion, intelligence and love for your sons is so moving. I admire your honesty and willingness to share so much. Your detailed descriptions of what happened and how you felt, interest me, but not in an inappropriate, unhealthy way.

Happy Half-Birthday to your sons. I like Neil's idea.

Blessings, Chris