Another milestone today (spit three times—be gone, Evil
Eye)! I got to practice “kangaroo care” for the first time which is when you
have skin-to-skin contact with your baby instead of holding him wrapped in a
blanket. We got there sort of by accident. This morning I noticed that after
his head ultrasound his CPAP breathing device had fallen out completely and yet
his oxygen stats were doing fine. That enabled the nurse to temporarily change
out Charlie’s CPAP with a regular nasal cannula which gives us the cord length
and Charlie the stamina to tolerate the skin-to-skin contact. Heaven! I held
him that way for over two hours and feeling his little hands move around my
chest was the best feeling in the world.
Although devised in the late 1970s in South America,
kangaroo care has only been part of regular practice in American NICUs since
the early 1990s. Researchers have found that the close physical contact with
the parent can help to stabilize a micro-preemie’s heartbeat, temperature, and
breathing. As we well know at this point, preterm infants often have difficulty
coordinating their breathing and heart rate. Babies who have kangaroo care tend
to gain more weight, have longer periods of alertness, and earlier hospital
discharge. And there’s just nothing like feeling your baby’s skin against your
own—it’s been almost 15 years since I’ve had that pleasure. I just felt guilty
that I hogged all the time because when Kendall came back later for her turn
the nurse had just changed Charlie’s colostomy bag and he was a little too
fragile to go on the nasal cannula. But she’ll get to do it tomorrow. Have I
mentioned lately that Kendall is the best mother in the world? But no one who’s
seen her around small children would be surprised by that newsflash. Charlie is
one lucky kid. Today is the six-week anniversary of Charles and Oliver’s
birth—a day that happily brought us our son but is so steeped in trauma that
I’m only now remembering parts of it in painful flashes.
It’s so funny to me how adamant I was about never writing a
“daddyblog” and yet that’s basically what this has morphed into for now. I have
nothing against so-called “mommybloggers” and “daddybloggers” and have plenty
in my blogroll but I just thought that was never for me, the whole point of my
blog was the freedom to write about my diverse interests. If someone would have
told me two months ago that I’d be posting almost daily videos of my baby’s
every move, I would have told them they were out of their mind. But again, this
is my life right now and also the best possible therapy I could have. And such
a fun way to update my family and friends.
But speaking of the outside world, about which I currently know
so little (I saw some of my first news stories of the past six weeks on a video
scroll in a Noah’s Bagel shop yesterday and it was like watching the news headlines from Mars), I am completely out of it these days. However, after writing my post
about Leah last night I did manage to watch most of the Tony Awards. Oy—what
the fuck? My daughter’s acting school has a better sound system than what went
on at Radio City Music Hall (and believe me, Leah has rarely had a
solo where her microphone has worked—good thing she’s a natural belter!). No
excuse for that, someone’s head should roll. And Liza, God love her. Yikes.
She’s playing two nights at the Hollywood Bowl in July and before the twins were born
Kendall and I had a fantasy of her going into labor during Liza’s show and Liza
calling us onstage to deliver the babies herself. We had great dialogue to go
along with that scene but I’ll leave that to your imagination.
I wasn’t as
critical of the opening montage as many of the pundits were (except for the
horrific sound system ruining everything) and I was happy with the majority of the
winners even though I haven’t seen most of the plays, dammit. Can we transport
Charlie’s incubator to the Sloan-Kettering NICU for a brief theatre trip? After seeing
the Tonys, I’m most frothing at the mouth to see “Next to Normal” (musical
about manic depression? I’m in!) , the new bilingual version of “West Side
Story,” and the souped-up revival of “Hair” (were they all on acid?). But why
the hell did they not have nominee Martha Plimpton introduce that segment since
she was practically born on the stage of that musical, what a dumb oversight.
And when that play won for Best Revival the producer erred badly in not
mentioning Tom O’Horgan (another Hailey friend), the original director who died
this year.
I will pay good money not to see “Rock of Ages” and why on
earth did they waste our time with those tired numbers from those old musicals
such as “Mamma Mia” and “Jersey Boys?” Yawn. Who was the guy who dragged his
wife on stage to accept the award with him? Is that going to be a new hideous
precedent? I already informed Kendall that there’s no way she’s coming to the
stage with me when I win MY Tony. Except, fool that I am, she’s far more likely
to win one than me and now I’ll be lucky if she even mentions me in passing in
her speech. I thought host Neil Patrick Harris was a bit blah until his spectacular
closing song (how the hell did they work the winners into those lyrics so
fast?). Best va-va-voom awards (forgive me!) go to Susan Sarandan, Stockard
Channing, and, of course, Martha Plimpton. I thought Angela Lansbury looked fantastic and
was so glad she won (add that production of “Blithe Spirit” to the shows I must
see). The good news about looking 60 when you’re 40 is that you still look 60
when you’re 80. And I don’t mean that to sound insulting—she was a gorgeous 60!
And now, in honor of the Tonys, I’m going to have the
biggest diva of the Broadway stage serenade our boy. You can tell how much I
love kangaroo care by the fact that I’m willing to show the world a video of my
extremely out-of-shape self almost naked. Oy—be afraid, be very afraid. And
why am I still shocked when I see how bald I am when my hair started falling
out in my 20s? Should I just shave the rest off and go for the overweight
skinhead look? The past six weeks may have aged me about 20 years but I really don’t
give a damn what I look like as long as I get to hold my son. You’ll see more
of Charlie in this video than you’ve seen in all the others since it starts
with his head free of all breathing apparatus. God, he’s cute!
That must have felt like a bit of heaven! You both look extremely happy. I can't wait until you & Kendall can do this at home, whenever you want. . .and I pray that day is very soon!
Oh dear, sooo cute! And yes, he does look very much like his daddy! That video, and the joy I imagined you feeling as you held your son, melted my heart.
I'm just catching up after about a week away from this blog: Holy Cow! Charlie looks great! Big (relatively), pink, healthy, active and alert. It's wonderful.
I'm glad to read that you guys are able to get the skin contact with Charlie and that it appears you are holding him more often. That must feel so good. And in this last video you look, dare I say it, well rested, relaxed and happy!
The video made me cry! I am so happy that he's growing up, Danny. What a little sweetheart. I saw an article in People (embarrassing, yes, I read People) about preemies who are now 18 years old, and there were some huge strapping young men in the photo. That's Charlie in 18 years! What a brave little fighter.
Oh I want to kiss his bekelach. My 5 year old, Rachel just asked me why I'm crying at my computer. How do you explain how overwhelming it is to hold their tiny bodies right next to you heart? One would think that after 5 babies of mine own, and all the other births I've attended that one would become inured to the effect. Not me, I sob every time. And so, I'm sobbing now.
Chazal tell us that a mother should nurse her baby for the first time on the left, the side that is closest to the heart. Our Rabbis knew, even before NICU doctors and La Leche League how important it is to hold our babies close to our hearts.
Re: the Tony Awards. I thought it was just me but I see you agree the sound system was awful. Sometimes it sounded like I was hearing one person's mike instead of the entire group singing. I was also somewhat disappointed in Neil Patrick Harris as a host, although I'm a fan of his, generally.
Danny,
You've topped yourself with this video. How great to see Charlie unencumbered. Your joy is evident. I'm sure Kendall will have as good a time as you did. And no, I am not the least bit surprised that Kendall is the best mom in the world. I'll gladly relinquish that role for Charlie's sake.
Your chronicle of Charlie's life in words, pictures and videos has been among the most moving, touching and life affirming things I've ever seen. Your observations, thoughts, feelings and perspective are a joy to read. Martie, Sonny and I are wishing you, Charlie and Kendall all our best. We hope to see you and the whole healthy family soon.
With love, Kevin, Martie & Sonny
danny
charlie looks so great, and what a great moment to see him so content on his daddy's chest. you have the best posts and look forward to reading everyday to see how charlie is growing. he is a little clone of you. wishing you and kendall the best
debbie
Congratulations on the latest milestone, Danny, Kendall, Leah, & Charlie. It's been a long time comin' and couldn't happen to a nice crew. May Charlie have many more days of skin-to-skin contact as the days go by until you take him home with you for good.
BTW, put "Séraphine" on your list of films to see in DVD while Charlie sleeps close by.
I'm probably the last guy that anyone would call a "baby person". To me, there's nothing more boring than hundred's of pictures of somebody's new baby, every picture exactly alike.
But, Charlie is different. His is a highly emotional story, a struggle for life against impossible odds, every little bit of progress, a major achievement. It's a real page turner, and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Hey, Father's Day is coming up. You deserve a prize for the way Leah turned out. How you going to top that, with Charlie ?
Danny, You and Charlie both look fabulous and in love. There were tears streaming down my cheeks to watch the two of you. I am happy that Kendall will have this chance today and I think Alexis will get to see you all at it as well. What a long way! All my love, AJ
That is the swewetest video I've ever seen...So very very dear....And you are BEAMING, Danny, as well you might be....One really gets the sense of how tiny dear little Charlie is....!
As to whether you will bring Kendall up on stage with you when you win your Tony...Well, just remember, you were NEVER going to have this blog become a Daddy Blog....lol...Personally, I found it very noving that he not only brought her up with her but was so touched by the whole enterprise.....
Liza....now that was pitiful.
But...
THIS VIDEO You shared with us is absolutely precious, beyond words....I hope we get to see Kendall too...! Charlie has made such fantastic strides....It is most touching!
Wow, so precious and sweet and adorably dear, you two are just like:peas in a pod, banana in a peel, pb and j. on toast, cheese and crackers, wine and dark chocolate, goose down comforter and flannel sheets in winter, tulips and daffodils in spring, danny and charlie, dreamy lovely father and son!
Today for the first time, Charlie has totally lost his chicken look. Micro preemies, at leas to me, look like plucked chickens. My daughter especially. But he's plumping up and looking healthier and contented and so gorgeous. I'm madly in love.
Kangaroo care - what an amazing experience!! I remeber holding my little twins against my chest and feeling pure bliss.
Sounds like things are going well for your son. Such good news.
Wow. I cried like everyone else at this video. Thank you so much for the updates. I think they really help to remind us all of the dramas that occur while we're all living our lives. The beauty is that there are triumphs(!) and so much love in the "little" details of Charlie's life that it humbles us all.
My heart feels split wide open seeing you two. I cannot wait to give you a hug in person.
As I sit here in Philadelphia in a faceless hotel room drinking a Starbucks I am reminded that it is the touch of a loved one that is all that matters-- for strength, for healing, for love.
Thank you for continuing to share this journey with all of us who are sending out our love and light. every day.
This is the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time! He is precious. Thank you for sharing your journey and showing everyone what an amazing gift life is.
Just wanted to say that Charlie is perfect. So nice to see him without all his "equipment".
Great video - I was in tears watching you practice kangaroo care...I remember doing that just a few short weeks ago with my daughter. There isn't a better feeling than your baby lying on your chest. All the little wiggles and sounds...
Thank you for sharing with us. I wish you nothing but the best and I know that you will be home soon!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote about people posting optimistic comments. I'd rather not post a comment if I'm feeling that I just can't join the optimism train. Especially since one other blog I read is by the mother of twins...one with grade IV bleeds who didn't survive past 6 weeks. It would feel almost hypocritical to offer condolences to her, but naive optimism to you. But, there is certainly no harm in hope, and in guarded optimism.
I've always been fascinated with the Kangaroo care. I'm a huge believer in babywearing, and it surprises me that many don't know about kangaroo care, or don't continue babywearing once out of the NICU. There's nothing like having a wee one snuggled up on your chest to heal just about any hurt. I miss babywearing so much now that my last baby is over 35lbs.
Charlie is adorable and I really do hope all turns out as well as it can :)
Charlie is so cute, Danny. He is perfect.
Posted by: Leslie | June 08, 2009 at 11:18 PM
That must have felt like a bit of heaven! You both look extremely happy. I can't wait until you & Kendall can do this at home, whenever you want. . .and I pray that day is very soon!
Posted by: Jane | June 08, 2009 at 11:26 PM
Danny --
He's beautiful. Hate to say it, but he looks like his dad!
I bet Kendall is champing (chomping?) at the bit for her turn. Please show us some pictures of that tomorrow.
Love,
Cynthia
Posted by: Cynthia Reich | June 08, 2009 at 11:29 PM
Oh dear, sooo cute! And yes, he does look very much like his daddy! That video, and the joy I imagined you feeling as you held your son, melted my heart.
G-d bless!!
~Elise
Posted by: Elise | June 08, 2009 at 11:57 PM
You haven't aged, Danny. You're both beautiful! Too much for my inadequate words.
loveA
Posted by: Amadaes | June 09, 2009 at 01:39 AM
I'm just catching up after about a week away from this blog: Holy Cow! Charlie looks great! Big (relatively), pink, healthy, active and alert. It's wonderful.
I'm glad to read that you guys are able to get the skin contact with Charlie and that it appears you are holding him more often. That must feel so good. And in this last video you look, dare I say it, well rested, relaxed and happy!
Posted by: Jeff | June 09, 2009 at 05:48 AM
The video made me cry! I am so happy that he's growing up, Danny. What a little sweetheart. I saw an article in People (embarrassing, yes, I read People) about preemies who are now 18 years old, and there were some huge strapping young men in the photo. That's Charlie in 18 years! What a brave little fighter.
Posted by: Heather Moss | June 09, 2009 at 05:52 AM
Oh I want to kiss his bekelach. My 5 year old, Rachel just asked me why I'm crying at my computer. How do you explain how overwhelming it is to hold their tiny bodies right next to you heart? One would think that after 5 babies of mine own, and all the other births I've attended that one would become inured to the effect. Not me, I sob every time. And so, I'm sobbing now.
Chazal tell us that a mother should nurse her baby for the first time on the left, the side that is closest to the heart. Our Rabbis knew, even before NICU doctors and La Leche League how important it is to hold our babies close to our hearts.
Hold him close Danny, hold him close.
Posted by: Yakira Heistand | June 09, 2009 at 06:21 AM
Congratulations on meeting another milestone. How wonderful you got to hold him so close. May you have many more days like this come.
Posted by: Pam G | June 09, 2009 at 06:45 AM
Re: the Tony Awards. I thought it was just me but I see you agree the sound system was awful. Sometimes it sounded like I was hearing one person's mike instead of the entire group singing. I was also somewhat disappointed in Neil Patrick Harris as a host, although I'm a fan of his, generally.
Posted by: Pam G | June 09, 2009 at 06:46 AM
Danny,
You've topped yourself with this video. How great to see Charlie unencumbered. Your joy is evident. I'm sure Kendall will have as good a time as you did. And no, I am not the least bit surprised that Kendall is the best mom in the world. I'll gladly relinquish that role for Charlie's sake.
Love,
Julie
Posted by: Julie R. | June 09, 2009 at 07:10 AM
Danny:
Your chronicle of Charlie's life in words, pictures and videos has been among the most moving, touching and life affirming things I've ever seen. Your observations, thoughts, feelings and perspective are a joy to read. Martie, Sonny and I are wishing you, Charlie and Kendall all our best. We hope to see you and the whole healthy family soon.
With love, Kevin, Martie & Sonny
Posted by: Kevin Davis | June 09, 2009 at 07:47 AM
That's so great. There's nothing like that skin on skin contact...For both of you.
Posted by: churlita | June 09, 2009 at 08:02 AM
You both look sooo happy. Johnny says he is mini-Danny.
Posted by: Helena | June 09, 2009 at 08:25 AM
danny
charlie looks so great, and what a great moment to see him so content on his daddy's chest. you have the best posts and look forward to reading everyday to see how charlie is growing. he is a little clone of you. wishing you and kendall the best
debbie
Posted by: Debbie Rose Galo | June 09, 2009 at 08:34 AM
Congratulations on the latest milestone, Danny, Kendall, Leah, & Charlie. It's been a long time comin' and couldn't happen to a nice crew. May Charlie have many more days of skin-to-skin contact as the days go by until you take him home with you for good.
BTW, put "Séraphine" on your list of films to see in DVD while Charlie sleeps close by.
Amitiés,
Posted by: La Framéricaine | June 09, 2009 at 08:40 AM
Beautiful, Danny, just beautiful.
Posted by: Sue G | June 09, 2009 at 09:48 AM
Danny you really don't look too bad yourself--you had me worried when you warned us. I'm sneaking a look at this while in a meeting...sweetness.
Posted by: Margie | June 09, 2009 at 11:39 AM
forget about naked...you look positively beatific, Danny! I am sure that all of those vibes just poured right into little Charlie's tender skin.
xoxoxoxo to all,
Susan
Posted by: Susan Buckley | June 09, 2009 at 11:53 AM
Dear Danny,
I'm probably the last guy that anyone would call a "baby person". To me, there's nothing more boring than hundred's of pictures of somebody's new baby, every picture exactly alike.
But, Charlie is different. His is a highly emotional story, a struggle for life against impossible odds, every little bit of progress, a major achievement. It's a real page turner, and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Hey, Father's Day is coming up. You deserve a prize for the way Leah turned out. How you going to top that, with Charlie ?
Posted by: Gordon | June 09, 2009 at 12:01 PM
Danny, You and Charlie both look fabulous and in love. There were tears streaming down my cheeks to watch the two of you. I am happy that Kendall will have this chance today and I think Alexis will get to see you all at it as well. What a long way! All my love, AJ
Posted by: Judy Sanford | June 09, 2009 at 12:43 PM
Hi Danny,
I always knew you are a sexy guy (don't worry, Kendall) but after seeing your Charlie on your chest, that confirms it! What a pair .... two hunks!
Love,
Marilyn
Posted by: Marilyn Molnar | June 09, 2009 at 12:58 PM
Wonderful. What a milestone.
Posted by: Leightongirl | June 09, 2009 at 01:50 PM
What a beautiful baby. I include all of you in my prayers each day.
Stellasue Lee
Posted by: Stellasue Lee, Ph.D. | June 09, 2009 at 02:02 PM
That is the swewetest video I've ever seen...So very very dear....And you are BEAMING, Danny, as well you might be....One really gets the sense of how tiny dear little Charlie is....!
As to whether you will bring Kendall up on stage with you when you win your Tony...Well, just remember, you were NEVER going to have this blog become a Daddy Blog....lol...Personally, I found it very noving that he not only brought her up with her but was so touched by the whole enterprise.....
Liza....now that was pitiful.
But...
THIS VIDEO You shared with us is absolutely precious, beyond words....I hope we get to see Kendall too...! Charlie has made such fantastic strides....It is most touching!
Posted by: OldOldLady Of The Hills | June 09, 2009 at 04:08 PM
That was so beautiful. I wish your family and Charlie the best. He's such a cute baby!
Posted by: Ralph | June 09, 2009 at 06:53 PM
Wow, so precious and sweet and adorably dear, you two are just like:peas in a pod, banana in a peel, pb and j. on toast, cheese and crackers, wine and dark chocolate, goose down comforter and flannel sheets in winter, tulips and daffodils in spring, danny and charlie, dreamy lovely father and son!
Posted by: susie specter | June 09, 2009 at 07:10 PM
Weeping tears of joy at this sight! You're both beautiful just as you are.
There will always be a special bond between you and him because you nourished him in such a primal way.
Posted by: amba | June 09, 2009 at 10:09 PM
Today for the first time, Charlie has totally lost his chicken look. Micro preemies, at leas to me, look like plucked chickens. My daughter especially. But he's plumping up and looking healthier and contented and so gorgeous. I'm madly in love.
Posted by: margalit | June 09, 2009 at 10:11 PM
Kangaroo care - what an amazing experience!! I remeber holding my little twins against my chest and feeling pure bliss.
Sounds like things are going well for your son. Such good news.
Posted by: Alexa | June 10, 2009 at 05:36 AM
This is awesome!
Posted by: Tricia Hicks | June 10, 2009 at 06:11 AM
I love Charlie so much.
I can NOT stop crying over this one.
xo
Posted by: your sister | June 10, 2009 at 07:34 AM
Wow. I cried like everyone else at this video. Thank you so much for the updates. I think they really help to remind us all of the dramas that occur while we're all living our lives. The beauty is that there are triumphs(!) and so much love in the "little" details of Charlie's life that it humbles us all.
Posted by: suzanne | June 10, 2009 at 08:24 AM
My heart feels split wide open seeing you two. I cannot wait to give you a hug in person.
As I sit here in Philadelphia in a faceless hotel room drinking a Starbucks I am reminded that it is the touch of a loved one that is all that matters-- for strength, for healing, for love.
Thank you for continuing to share this journey with all of us who are sending out our love and light. every day.
xxo
Posted by: Alexis | June 10, 2009 at 09:04 AM
This is the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time! He is precious. Thank you for sharing your journey and showing everyone what an amazing gift life is.
Posted by: mary | June 10, 2009 at 10:34 AM
OOps,i put my comment to this post on a previous post. No one could have a dry eye while watching this video. Prayers continue for your family.
Posted by: Judy | June 10, 2009 at 11:15 AM
Just wanted to say that Charlie is perfect. So nice to see him without all his "equipment".
Great video - I was in tears watching you practice kangaroo care...I remember doing that just a few short weeks ago with my daughter. There isn't a better feeling than your baby lying on your chest. All the little wiggles and sounds...
Thank you for sharing with us. I wish you nothing but the best and I know that you will be home soon!
Posted by: Amanda | June 10, 2009 at 07:11 PM
I'm having trouble seeing through my tears. What a beautiful look of happiness.
Posted by: Patsy | June 11, 2009 at 08:35 AM
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote about people posting optimistic comments. I'd rather not post a comment if I'm feeling that I just can't join the optimism train. Especially since one other blog I read is by the mother of twins...one with grade IV bleeds who didn't survive past 6 weeks. It would feel almost hypocritical to offer condolences to her, but naive optimism to you. But, there is certainly no harm in hope, and in guarded optimism.
I've always been fascinated with the Kangaroo care. I'm a huge believer in babywearing, and it surprises me that many don't know about kangaroo care, or don't continue babywearing once out of the NICU. There's nothing like having a wee one snuggled up on your chest to heal just about any hurt. I miss babywearing so much now that my last baby is over 35lbs.
Charlie is adorable and I really do hope all turns out as well as it can :)
Posted by: TracyKM | June 12, 2009 at 09:50 AM