DANCE BREAK!

Being in crisis mode for a long time takes a physical toll on the body. For the past 23 days I’ve been having bouts of anxiety, depression, panic, and irritability, not to mention those other fun stand-bys: grief, sadness, and despair. Tra-la-la. Sometimes it feels like I have little bits of terror lodged inside every cell of my body. Yesterday I was driving Leah home from school and feeling as tense as could be, having just come from the hospital where Charlie is constantly facing new challenges. Without saying a word, Leah attached her iPod to my car’s sound system and cranked up her favorite song from her favorite musical: “La Vie Bohème” from “Rent.” Before I knew it, we were both singing along on the top of our lungs. (Like Leah, I know every word of that show—yes, I’m a total freak in case you forgot!)

I pulled off the road and Leah spontaneously jumped out of the car and started dancing her ass off! In other times I might have yelled at her to get back in the car and to quiet down. But instead of doing that I turned up the volume as far as it would go and we both continued singing loud enough to annoy every human, coyote, and deer in the canyon we were on. I whipped out my camera and started taking photos of Leah in her frenzy. Let me just say that watching her sing and dance like a madwoman was better than any Prozac, Xanax, or therapy session I could ever have. It was the best gift I’ve ever received. Above are some of the photos. I only wish I had a recording of our adrenalin-reducing screeches:

To days of inspiration, 
Playing hooky, making something out of nothing 
The need to express, to communicate 
To going against the grain 
Going insane—going mad!

To loving tension, no pension 
To more than one dimension 
To starving for attention 
Hating convention, hating pretension 
Not to mention, of course 
Hating dear old mom and dad!

To riding your bike 
Midday past the three-piece suits 
To fruits—to no absolutes 
To Absolut, to choice 
To the Village Voice 
To any passing fad!

Why Dorothy and Toto
Went over the rainbow 
To blow off Auntie Em! 
La Vie Bohème!

(Those are only a fraction of the words to that very long song but I can’t bring myself to type many of the wildly inappropriate lyrics that Leah has been singing for years. Gulp! Please don't call Social Services!)

It’s scorchingly hot in L.A. this week and before our “Rent” session Leah and I stopped for some frozen yogurt at a yummy self-serve place near her school. As Leah worked on her French homework I sat, exhausted, eating my peanut butter and strawberry swirl and gazing blankly at the customers streaming in and out of the store. The yogurt place is located at the nexus of a large number of private, public, and parochial schools so hordes of people from all walks of life were crowding through its doors. Having just come from the NICU, I sensed my least favorite emotion welling up in me as I watched the parade of families. It’s an emotion I have always been loathe to admit in myself: jealousy.

Everywhere I looked there were fat, red-cheeked babies in strollers, squealing toddlers digging into their frozen creations, gorgeous elementary school kids in Jewish and Catholic School uniforms doing their math and science homework, laughing long-limbed teens texting their friends. Everyone in the shop looked healthy and perfect and without a care in the world. Some of the parents seemed to be enjoying their children, others looked bored and miserable and like they couldn’t wait to get out of there. Idiots, I thought, do they know how lucky they are? Part of the narcissism of grief is the crazy belief that you are the only one in darkness and that everyone else is free from all pain and sorrow. How ridiculous. I have no idea what was going on with any of the people in that store—who was facing what in their lives, which of those beautiful children were dealing with any number of serious challenges. I looked over at my own child sitting there right next to me and saw nothing but perfection. I thought of Charlie in his incubator and realized that for all his 1 lb. 12 oz. (his new weight—we never thought we’d be so excited about a two-ounce weight gain!), he is every bit as perfect as Leah and every other kid in that place. Just as he is, a micro-preemie on a ventilator, dealing with brain bleeds and surgery and fluid being tapped out of his soft spot, he is exactly the baby Kendall and I want, however his little body grows, whatever disabilities he may or may not have. I am honored and thrilled and feel so damn lucky to be his dad.

I don’t think I have the writing ability to convey these feelings, they are too big, too real, too hard to put into words. Am I starting to sound like some kind of religious zealot? I just love my children, that’s all. Leah, with all her fiery brilliance, beauty, and compassion, Charlie, the sweetest baby in the world and a real fighter, and Oliver, who could only stay with us for a few hours but who touched our lives forever.

Oy, this was going to be my “light” post. Oh well. I’ll just turn to Leah’s second favorite song from “Rent” and say that for all the five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes of each year—instead of daylights, sunsets, midnights, or cups of coffee, there’s no choice but to measure our lives in love.

Comments

[Jane]

Apple, meet tree. :-) Your daughter has so much of you in her, Danny!

[Sarah]

The dance break is too cute! I love it. Am glad you were able to capture some of that spontanaeity :)

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

You put it BEAUTIFULLY Danny. You may not think you have the words, but you do and you did, because these words were filled with all the amazing emotions coursing through your veins and your Heart...Everything you feel you truly did convey and I thank you for this amazingly imspirational post! You touched me deeply.

Leah is GLORIOUS! Grest pictures...So Joyous! I'm so glad that you had this truly wonderful time with her and "RENT"....!
Kisses and Hugs to you all....! Music and Musicals are Transforming.....

[Dave]

You really are an inspiration Danny. I don't mean that lightly. Your strength gives me strength.

[tamarika]

What a beautiful post, Danny. Good for Leah. Amongst all the sorrow and grief, there are, too, joyous, poignant moments like these.I can just picture you both singing and she dancing. Wonderful!

[Pearl]

Amidst storm clouds, one should always be able to find their rainbow.

I think you found yours that day...and we found ours within this post.

Thanks for that rainbow, Danny.

[Jeff]

I can guarantee you that among all of those families you watched some of them were in your situation not that long ago. Soon enough you'll be one of "those" parents too. It'll be a hot day, you'll be tired and Charlie will have been bugging you for hours to get ice cream. You'll finally relent and someone will be watching you and wonder why you don't appear to be savoring the moment...

And good for you to get out and have some fun with Leah! You deserve it.

[sweetsalty kate]

Oh my god, your daughter is gorgeous. I would sell my soul for those curls.

You made me smile today. And not just because of the belting-out and the dancing but because of the pride, for how you hold Charlie in one hand and Oliver in the other.

Just keep being right there.

[Tricia Hicks]

This may sound corny, but to quote a popular song : "If you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you DANCE". I am praying for many more chances for you guys to do just that.

[Frances]

I love your photos. In the last one Leah looks like a model for a pre-Raphelite painting.

Hang in there.

[Beth Anne]

You feel what you feel, and you cannot possibly feel any other way. I struggled with a toxic mixture of anger/depression/envy and so many other things through my long, unsuccessful battle with infertility. There's nothing like having a hysterectomy, married just three years, at the age of 27....while your sisters and brothers are all having healthy, perfect baby after baby.

And, like Kendall, being bipolar didn't help.

Our story had a different happy ending--after 20 years of longing, we were given the most glorious baby girl, who turned 10 just yesterday. Doesn't matter one bit that she didn't come from my body; she grew in my heart, all those years, all those prayers, all those tears. Doesn't matter that everyone said I had my baby 'the easy way.'

I have prayed for you and Kendall since first learning of the pregnancy, and I continue to, knowing that God is holding your tiny Charlie very tightly, in His hands. I know He is holding your hearts, too, and I pray it is His will to grant you your deepest wishes and longings...it will be so wonderful to see Charlie's first birthday celebration a year from now.

One final thing....I was 2 months premature myself....and I just turned 49, well and happy.

Love to you ALL and tell Leah I think she kicks it better than anyone.

Beth Anne

[Wanda]

Perfect.

Perfect words.

Perfect Danny.

Perfect Love.

[Pam G]

What a warm and inspiring post. May we all take a moment to enjoy the spring time (warm and sunny here, too) despite the challenges we face. Your daughter has a wonderful spirit and selected the right moment to sing out! Dancing off to the dentist now with you all my thoughts :)

[Judy Sanford]

How perfect to be dancing and singing; it would have been even better for someone to have caught you both on video dancing your asses off. You are so amazing and in so many ways. I feel very blessed that I have been able to be here with you all for some of this time. AJ

[Brett Hickman]

Revel in your family's love, Danny. I'm glad to hear that a true spiritual pick me up was had. You and yours deserve it.

[Sarah]

I don't know you (but I feel I do), yet I think about you and your family all the time! Thanks for having the courage to keep posting. I logged on today hoping for word of Leah because I was wondering how she was doing in the midst of all this chaos. Glad to see she is not only doing well, she is supporting you. Isn't it amazing what gifts our kids keep giving us? Hang in there--you have a world of people cheering you and Leah and Kendall and Charlie on!

Sarah Tittle

[Marilyn Molnar]

Dear Danny,

You are the only person I know who keeps connected with the past in such a loving way as well as with the present. Tell Leah to keep on dancing; she is as inspirational as both you and Kendall.

Love,
Marilyn

[the communicatrix]

Oh, Danny.

Never underestimate your ability to convey. This blog post was pitch-perfect.

You and everything you touch are shining examples of the reason to, as you say, measure our lives in love.

We're all the richer for it; your own wealth is beyond measurement. Thank you for your generosity of spirit and deed.

[Patsy]

Old Irish saying:
Song and laughter is better than any tonic.
I think we'll add dancing to that.

[churlita]

I don't know how I could have ever made it through the worst parts of my life without taking time-outs for dorky dance breaks. It's one of my drugs of choice. I'm glad Leah was there for you.

When my daughter had meningitis and they told us that if she lived she could have severe hearing loss and brain damage, all I could think about was her getting through it. Nothing else mattered.

[Julie Voss]

Beautiful to hear about Leah and to see what a blessing she is to you! Maybe the busy parents at the yogurt place DO have different way of relating to their children. I suspect it will turn out to be true that you are learning to love your children in a new and profound way that will never leave you.
Thank you for sharing!

[Julie R.]

Danny,
Your words said it all.

Love,
Julie

[Mel]

Measuring your life with love...sounds like the right way to live.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts...your words are helping you to heal now and will help someone else heal in the future.
Blessings to your family!

[Judy]

I am so addicted to this column, even when I don't respond, I peep in and think about what you've written for days. After my 30 days of grieving for my mother, I was going to go to a community meeting but got way laid by visiting a friend at the Open Center in Soho, and discovered "Open House" so I checked out Reiki class and instad of heading for the meeting, had some wine spritzer and snacks. Well, couldn't find the meeting so i went back for a free intro to "Bollywood Dancing". Now since mid-April
when the physical therapist at my Feldenkrais Training told me to use my cane again, walking has been painful. I wonder if this is more stress but since seeing "Slumdog Millionaire", I've wanted to do that dance. So I went and here was my chance.I threw down my cane, and started right up trying to do Bollywood Dancing. It was so envigorating to do it, even though with my short term memory loss, I couldn't do anything really right, but that didn't stop me, I just kept on trying and trying and left afterwards feeling fantastic. I wondered if this was too festive for my year of mourning but i figure it's exercise for my body and mind. If any New Yorkers read this, I recommend Bollywood Dancing startin June 4th, you'll feel fantastic...and great exercise.

[Judy]

OOPs forgot to tell you how beautiful your column was, and will continue thinking of you and your family sending prayers and white light for healing. Sitting in my shitty job as we try to find out if N1H1 is getting to our school...got to call homes to see if anyone has it,or is just enjoying the beautiful weather outside.

[m.yahn]

keane just read your post out loud! we are laughing and crying and now listening to the song! thanks danny miller!!!! we love you!

xoox,
m, keane & chase

[KWild]

I wasn't planning on crying over my lunch at work this afternoon but thanks to this post, I am. In a good way. I'm one of the lucky idiots with two beautiful and curious kids who can try my patience like crazy... I will try to stay mindful of how precious my time with them is. I needed this.

[suzanne]

Go! You sound like an amazing parent-- your children, all of them, are lucky to have you. Thank you for sharing these parts of your life with... the world. You touch more lives than you know with your honest writing.
I'm pulling for Charlie!

[Carol McMurrich]

Being part of the babyloss club I wanted to offer my support as you grieve your sweet Oliver, and to offer one more mind sending thoughts of hope and courage to your little Charlie. I know only too well that feeling of green envy, watching all the happy families who get to have everyone with them, knowing we will never have the pleasure of doing that. It is a hard uphill road.

[Gordon]

Dear Danny,
Be grateful every day.
I was surprised to see how much Charlie has grown and progressed. I was also surprised to see a very strong resemblance to Danny Miller's face plastered on that little kid. Hey. He could do a lot worse. LOL.

[sandy]

Danny~

You are truly experiencing the
Present Moment. I think Charlie and Oliver are transforming ALL of your lives. Leah looks beautiful~ she too is experiencing all the feelings you have~in her own way.

Your writing is amazing.Thanks for all your sharing.
My prayers are with you all~
Lo-He-Ha always,
sandy

[Ilene L Cohen]

Dear Danny, Kendall, Leah, and Charlie,
I am glad to hear about some improvement with Charlie. Your words describing your roller coaster of emotions was deeply touching and as others have said, inspirational.

My heart stays with you and your family during this difficult time. Your singing and Leah's dancing show the strength of the human spirit.

May God bless and heal all of you. Ilene Cohen (a.k.a. Hershel's pal)

[V-Grrrl]

I remember moving through day to day tasks during crises in my life and thinking the shopkeeper has no idea my life is falling apart or the guy at the gas station doesn't know grief has ripped a hole in my chest or the bank teller can't see that as I fill out this slip my parents are in ICU, hours away.

It's a strange sense of isolation, moving through the world with unseen burdens strapped on your back. I found during those vulnerable times, every act of kindness was magnified, every emotion, every smile or good word.

These painful times often lead to a heightened sense of compassion and empathy for all people. You'll never move through the world the same way again--and that's a good thing.