Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive

The photo on the left shows Charlie as he looked a month ago. The one on the right was taken this morning. At the time he was born, compared to his brother Oliver who was in such bad shape, I thought Charlie looked great, just very small. When I compared the pictures today, I gasped. In one month Charlie has gone from Benjamin Button to a tiny baby.

The past few days have been difficult for me—I’ve been feeling raw and like every nerve ending in my body was exposed to the elements. Walking our two dogs the past two nights, usually an enjoyable experience, I felt like I was wandering through war-torn Saigon, dodging land mines, enemy soldiers, and feral animals at every turn. (That’s not a slur against any Vietnamese people living in our neighborhood, just a statement on my fragile nervous system!)

Today I felt better. It helped that Charlie’s desaturation episodes have slowed down a bit. He had a pretty calm day, and every minute that I sit at his incubator, touching or talking to him without incident calms me down tremendously. I’ve also been having so many therapy sessions this week that I’m making Woody Allen look like a detached WASP. Yesterday I met with my new person, then had a meeting at Kendall’s outpatient program, then Kendall and I met with a new therapist who specializes in parents whose children are in the NICU. All very helpful but three sessions a day definitely won’t be the norm!

I can’t help but smirk when I remember how adamant I was when I announced Kendall’s pregnancy last January. “Don’t worry, people,” I wrote. “This is not going to become a pregnancy blog or a parenting blog or a daddy blog.” And yet this is my 13th straight post about our sons. But, I ask myself when I start feeling self-conscious about that, what the hell else could I possibly be writing about right now? This is my life, I really don’t have much of a choice. Not to mention the fact that writing about it on here from time to time is a true lifesaver for me.

In the past, Kendall has always laughed herself silly whenever I told someone what my all-time favorite song is: “Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive,” written in 1944 by Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer. Why do Kendall and others find that choice a bit…um…ironic? (Do I really have to tell you?) Maybe my difficulties maintaining a positive attitude in life IS the reason I am so attracted to the simple message of that wonderful song. I have about six versions of it on my iPod, from the original Johnny Mercer version, sung in the style of a sermon, to a swinging take by Bing Crosby and the Andrew Sisters, to a country twang version by Willie Nelson.

Dealing with the death of a child—or not dealing with it if you have another child in intensive care—there are many reasons to slip into panic and despair on a daily basis. But at what cost? If I’ve ever needed to live in the moment and follow the words of that song, it is NOW.

You’ve got to accentuate the positive 
Eliminate the negative 
And latch on to the affirmative 
Don’t mess with Mister In-Between

You’ve got to spread joy up to the maximum 
Bring gloom down to the minimum 
Have faith or pandemonium’s 
Liable to walk upon the scene.

To illustrate my last remark 
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark 
What did they do just when everything looked so dark? 

Man, they said we’d better accentuate the positive 
Eliminate the negative 
And latch on to the affirmative 
Don't mess with Mister In-Between 
No—don't mess with Mister In-Between!

My best role model for accentuating the positive is my son Charlie. With all he’s facing—the loss of his close companion for many months, surgeries, brain bleeds, fluctuating heartbeats and desaturation levels, undeveloped lungs and tubes shoved down his throat, he is the most positive little guy I know. Every single day he stays alive and thrives he is proving the words to that song more than Johnny Mercer could have ever dreamed:

Comments

[Laurie]

Charlie is looking good!

[karianne]

His arms look nice and chunky for being such a preemie. I LOVE the yawn...

[susie specter]

fantastic! In addition to all of the great music that he is hearing , may I suggest you start him on the great poets? He looks so much bigger and stronger!

[Ellen + Greg]

Wow, he's a real baby now. The transformation is remarkable.

[Julie R.]

Danny,
Charlie does look good. Thank goodness the desats are less frequent and you've been able to relax a bit.

This post contains what might be my favorite Danny Miller line: "I’m making Woody Allen look like a detached WASP." I'm glad you've maintained your sense of humor.

Love to all the Miller/Hailey family.

Julie

[Nichole]

Charlie's looking so strong! What a sweet boy.

[tamarika]

Beautiful baby, Danny. How comforting for you all to see and feel the daily improvements. You are courageous and loving parents. No doubt about it, and Charlie is sure to inherit your fantastic sense of humor. He is a very lucky fellow!

[Debbie Rose Galo]

wow!! he is absolutely beautiful!!! (poo-poo). nice coloring and totally looks like zaid! from the side. keep up the talking to him and whatever you and kendall are doing (plus of course all the doctors and nurses). soon he'll be home before you know it. it's almost like i feel like i can smell baby powder from charlie. he looks just so yummy! always thinking of you and your family

debbie

[Ann Brenoff]

Charlie is one handsome dude! He looks wonderful. I hope his growth continues and he's home in your arms soon.
Ann

[Margie]

Hope you will keep wanting to let us know what is happening and the daily musical accompaniment to go along with our thoughts and prayers. He sure is looking like a cuddly baby.
Margie

[margalit]

Charlie is looking remarkable. There is a little body fat on those arms, just waiting to chub up some more. His color is good, and he's just totally adorable.

Funny thing about this post. I've always been a glass half empty kinda gal. I was a pretty negative kid, and my mother used to sing that song to me all the time. Except she has the worst voice ever and can only sing one off key note, so I never actually know what it was supposed to sound like. Thanks for including that. It helped a lot!

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

I grew up with that somg and have always loved it! It certainly is a good "Mantra"...
Oh how I wish you would include a link to these videos at YouTube....it just would make it a teent tiny bit easier for me or anyone else who is having the problems I am....
Keep on singing that song, my dear.
Are you going to go to Betty's Birthday Celebration? I hope so. From everything I hear, it will be quite special. And Betty ACCENTUATES that Song, doesn't she?

[Jane]

Dear Charlie,

Don't forget what happened to the boy who got everything he ever wanted. . .he ended up living happily ever after. :-) I just know you will. Look at you! You're pink and beautiful!

[Kitty]

What a beautiful baby. Yay for Charlie -- I can't wait to read about the day when he gets to go home with you and Kendall.

[V-Grrrl]

It's nearly impossible to find balance when you're dealing with life and death issues every day, so much uncertainty. And when life does feel like it's unraveling, hanging onto all that's holding together that moment is all you can do.

I look forward to the day this is all a memory for you and yours.

[Pam G]

Charlie's improvement is remarkable over last month. Enjoyed the videos and music this week very much. That song was one of my favorites, too, and the theme of a good TV show about WWII from some years ago: Homefront.

Last night Pittsburgh news had a report on smallest baby ever born here, a little girl weighing less than 10 oz. who was taken by C-section from a distressed young mother a few months ago. That baby is going home today they said. This summer we'll being hearing the same report on Charlie, I'm sure.

All the best!

[m.yahn]

we love your blog more then ever! you are truly an amazing writer! ...and to share all this w/ everyone is very brave! hats off to you my dear friend! ox,m

[Ellen Bloom]

How did you know that "Accentuate the Positive" is my all-time fave song too!? I'm partial to the Johnny Mercer-sung version. I used to play it on my public radio show all the time in the old days....Classic American Music at it's best!

Charlie's lookin' good!

[K Wild]

Accentuate the Positive is not a song that has had a big presence in my life, but two songs I really associate with my Dad - who sang them in a band when I was a kid - are "Sunny Side of the Street" and "Look for the Silver Lining" and I find myself singing one or the other of them when I need to pick myself up. I'll have to add Accentuate the Positive to that list - what awesome lyrics!

[sweetsalty kate]

Steady on, wee boy. And steady on to mama and daddy too. Thinking of all of you constantly.
xo

[Marilyn Molnar]

Dear Kendall and Danny,

Happy anniversary and I know Charlie will be around helping you celebrate many, many more. Keep accentuating the positive!

Love,
Marilyn

[Danita Cherney]

well, he has your hair!

[Chris]

Looking at the photographs of Charlie and the video with that fabulous music, I thought how difficult it must be for you and Kendall to leave the NICU. I imagine there's tremendous comfort in watching and studying every millimeter of his precious body. I will continue to hope and pray that his calm days continue. He looks wonderful, and I'm convinced he is a "positive little guy". What a blessing.

[suzanne]

you are doing great. keep going, keep getting stronger and keep loving that baby!

[Gordon]

Dear Danny,
I always get annoyed when parents rattle on about "the miracle of birth." I always say that it's no miracle. Every common cow can have a baby. But, I have to say that your Charlie really is a miracle. He's gone from not having a chance in the world, to making great strides every single day. Happy one month anniversary, little man.

[churlita]

Wow. The transformation to baby is incredible.

I'm glad you're using your blog to deal with everything. I hope it helps. Blogging has always been my favorite form of therapy.

[Jenny]

When I was pregnant, the first thing I asked myself was when does morning sickness begin?" Apparently, almost all mom's asks this question at some point during pregnancy since it's a very common condition. Wonder no more! Let me give you some answer to that question based on my experience and from some of the people I know. It's all here http://www.morningsicknessfix.com/when-does-morning-sickness-begin/