The Perfect Last-Minute Christmas Gift?

Still have some people on your list you need to buy presents for? In these difficult times, nothing says “Merry Christmas” like lung cancer and emphysema, right? This morning I was remembering how many beautiful red-and-green cigarette cartons my mother used to receive for the holidays. (I’m surprised they didn’t make blue and silver-foil boxes for the eight nights of Hanukkah.) It was certainly an easy gift—the cartons were pre-wrapped, delightfully festive, relatively cheap, and greatly appreciated by the recipient. True, most of those lucky folks, including my mom, would later die from hideous smoking-related diseases but hey, let’s not be a Scrooge about it.

As you can see, it was the favorite gift of our beloved former President. To be fair, Reagan wasn’t President when he posed for this ad, and I think he stopped smoking before he went to Washington. If memory serves, Gerald Ford was the last commander-in-chief who smoked regularly in the White House, but it took twenty more years until cigarettes were banned from the President’s home (thanks to Hillary Clinton). Now we have a President-elect who says he recently quit his decades-old nicotine habit but admitted to Barbara Walters this month that he’s fallen off the wagon a few times since beginning his campaign. Come on, Barack, listen to Ronnie’s wife, once a heavy smoker, and “Just Say No!”

But few said “No” during my childhood. In fact, some of the most revered icons of my TV-watching youth hawked cigarettes directly to their fans. Here’s Rob Petrie and Sally Rogers extolling the virtues of cigarettes at Christmas time:

I wonder if the actors ever objected to these commercials. They clearly weren’t written by Carl Reiner or any of the other superb writers of “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” the best sitcom in the history of television. Take a look at the following commercial and tell me if the real Laura Petrie would ever act this way:

The Petries weren’t the only 60s TV stars who thought cigarettes made a fabulous holiday gift:

But at least the tobacco companies never tried to appeal to young children:

Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of this blog. I send nicotine-free thanks to everyone who has stopped by during that time. I keep hearing reports about how worse off we all are this year and how everything is going to hell in a handbasket, but I don’t buy it. True, four years ago this month the stock market was booming, but, as we know, that was about as real as the 1960s claims that cigarettes were actually good for your health. On the day I started this blog, we were a few weeks away from the second Inauguration of George W. Bush. It was even worse the second time around because we knew exactly what we were getting. There had recently been a huge increase in insurgent attacks in Iraq and no end to the war in sight. The full horror of the Abu Ghraib scandal was shocking people around the world. Michael Jackson was in court facing multiple charges of lewd acts against a minor and Enron’s CFO had just pleaded guilty to covering up the company’s financial woes. 2004 wasn’t so great.

We may all have less money to spend on the holiday this year, but we are more aware, more conscious, and more hopeful as we prepare to usher George W. Bush out of Washington for good. And you won’t be finding many cigarette cartons under Christmas trees in 2008. Apart from needing a hard-to-get bank loan to purchase a carton these days, smoking rates in this country have been plummeting for years. The per capita consumption of cigarettes has fallen to levels not seen since the early 1930s. Now that’s good news, no matter what that cancer-causing fat man says!

Comments

[Jane]

Just ten years ago or so, I received a cobalt blue ashtray with a star of David at the bottom. Do I have to tell you it wasn't from a Jew? LOL. The giver was a work mate who got it from their child's fundraising catalog from school. Tchachke gone awry. It still cracks me up.

[Gordon]

Dear Danny,
I always look forward to reading the latest episode of "Jew Eat Yet." You're a very talented writer with intelligence, common sense, and a big heart. I wish you good health, great wealth, and much happiness in the new year. Thanks.
P.S. Many years ago, my father died from emphysema after smoking for 50 years. Even so, I have a sister and brother who still smoke. Oy.

[Pearl]

Mazel tov on your blogiversary. So glad I stumbled on to your blog over 3 years ago. Sorry I wasn't there right from the beginning.
Danny, isn't it about time, you take Quinn Cummings's lead and put together a book of your own...compiled of blog posts?

[Anne]

Greetings from the Pittsburgh area! I stumbled on your blog about a year ago and I so look forward to your posts. I love your writing style! Enjoy some time with your family over Hanukkah!

[La Framéricaine]

Good morning from the capital city of the Mexican state of Yucatan, Mérida!

I want to second, third, or fourth that emotion re: my distinct good fortune in having found you in the Land of Blog. I shudder to mention all the wonderful attributes of your unique creative imagination and associative thinking processes that lead to your sterling blog posts--don't want to put a pox on you or them. However, as your other fans have already said, more or less, "You fucking rock in the realm of writing and I am in total awe before your talents as an author!"

You don't have to top anything that you have done before. Each piece is an intellectual and emotional pleasure to read. Congratulations on your 4th year blog posting anniversary! You are a wonderful role model for any aspiring blogger and I make every effort not to compare myself to you with respect to quantity or quality in order to stave off going into a cave of non-blogging.

You will be happy to know that although we am far from the shores of Hollywood or France, we have managed to rewatch "Mr Batignol" and "Une Pure Formalité" with Spanish subtitles since our arrival in México but I have not managed much in the way of blogging due to a dearth of internet connectivity!

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my French BIL's death from small cell carcinoma of the right lung so your wonderful reflections on the gaiety of cigarette merchandising hit home for our family in a big way.

Happy Holidays and I couldn't agree more that appearances can be deceiving when deciding whether or not next year will be better or worse than last. It is going to depend upon our criteria, non?

Amitiés,

[Elaine Soloway]

Sad to add my dad's death at 48 due to a combo of 3 packs a day Camels, diabetes, and obesity.
"If I can't eat,I'd rather die," Dad said. He didn't say, 'smoke,' but that wasn't recognized as that great of a problem back then.

Like all of your fans, Danny, I congratulate you on your blog's longevity! Your combo of nostalgia, poignancy, and serious commentary are much admired.

Love,
Your fake mother

[Emily Barton]

Thank you for reminding me how far we've come, not only in 40 years, but also in the past four!

[churlita]

My mom died from smoking related high blood pressure and stroke when she was my current age. I don't touch those things. I'm ever hopeful that things will be better in the year to come.