Daughter of the Commandment

My daughter became a woman over the weekend. Oy, that sounds wildly inappropriate. What I meant to say is that she became a Bat Mitzvah, literally a “Daughter of the Commandment,” and thus a full-fledged member of the Jewish community. Between preparing for Leah’s Bat Mitzvah, recovering from my computer theft, and trying to tread water with some crushing work deadlines, I feel like I haven’t written in this blog since my own Bar Mitzvah in the Summer of ’72.

Poor Leah. She had to hear endless horror stories about my Bar Mitzvah every step of the way as she studied for her own Jewish Coming of Age. Happily, the contrast between the two events could not have been more pronounced. I attended a fairly strict Hebrew School for four years and studied Torah with an elderly rabbi who scared me to death and constantly yelled at me that I wasn’t up to snuff. Leah never went to a single day of Hebrew School. She only decided late last fall that she wanted to have a Bat Mitzvah and started working with our wonderful rabbi, Lisa Edwards, and a private Hebrew tutor last December. But this wasn’t your typical Hebrew tutor, this was a young woman who was part Auntie Mame, part Sarah Silverman, and part Hannah Montana. I’d often come home during a lesson to find Leah and her tutor Abby laying on her bedroom floor screaming with laughter and talking about boys.

Leah learned how to read Hebrew in a miraculously short time and chanted her Torah portion beautifully on Saturday morning. I have no words to describe how moving it was for me to watch Leah up on the bima (the “stage” of a synagogue) reading from the Torah. It was hard not to think of her ancestors in the shtetls of Poland including her great-great grandfather Itshe Meyer. Of course Itshe Meyer and his generation would no doubt have been horrified to see a 13-year-old girl touching the Torah (my orthodox family did not go in for Bat Mitzvahs), not to mention the fact that the service was being officiated by our lesbian rabbi. But as much as I respect my ancestors, I say pish-tosh to that Old World thinking in this case, Leah’s Bat Mitzvah was one of the most moving ceremonies I’ve ever witnessed.

One incredible moment came during Leah’s speech when she was talking about her Torah portion. Because her Bat Mitzvah was held on the last day of Passover, it veered from the chronological reading of the Torah and included a retelling from the Book of Exodus. As Leah was relating what that story meant to her, she started singing a song from “The Prince of Egypt,” one of her favorite films. As she sang Miriam’s words, “There can be miracles, when you believe…” she was suddenly so overcome with emotion that she broke down in tears. After several moments passed and she saw that Leah was having a hard time going on, our cantor Fran burst in from the side of the bima, continuing the song exactly where Leah left off. The rest of the congregation then joined in, and Leah soon followed and was able to continue her speech. It was one of the most beautiful shows of community support and love I’ve ever seen. Kendall compared it to the scene in “Casablanca” when the French people sing “La Marseillaise” at Rick’s bar.

At Leah’s insistence, all four of her parents spoke: me and her mom Sophie, as well as Kendall and Sophie’s husband Mark. I wish I could reprint all of their speeches in their entirety, they were so moving and beautifully delivered. The rabbi noted how most kids at our synagogue have either two mommies or two daddies, but Leah was especially lucky, she had two of each! Members of all our families were present. The largest contingent flew in from France and it was the first time I saw many of Sophie’s relatives since our 1993 wedding in Paris. But on this morning we were all one joyously diverse village—multi-lingual, living on several continents, Jewish and Gentile, gay and straight, Democrats and Republicans (well, okay, mostly Democrats).

I came clean during my speech about how I constantly tormented Leah with tales from my own Bar Mitzvah and how grateful I was that her experience was so much more memorable and positive than mine had been. In truth, I remember very little about the day of my Bar Mitzvah except that at the last minute someone handed me a speech to read at the synagogue, that there was a slab of halvah at the party in the shape of Mt. Sinai, and that President Nixon went on TV that night to say that John Dean had investigated the Watergate matter and found that no one in the White House was involved in any way. Oy on all three counts! I truly believe it was the trauma of being forced to read someone else’s words on my Bar Mitzvah that led me to become a writer and that this even played a role in my decision to start this blog.

For me, becoming a Bar Mitzvah was an ending. “Thank God that’s over,” I said to myself, “enough with the Judaism already.” It wasn’t until I was an adult in my late 20s that I rediscovered how much I love being Jewish, and how much participating in Jewish ritual means to me. I hope that Leah sees her Bat Mitzvah not as an ending, but as a beginning, an entry into a world that connects us to our ancestors but also resonates to everything we are about today. Leah chanted her Torah portion in her bare feet and our rabbi pointed out how Miriam went barefoot so that she could be closer to holy ground. I love how comfortable Leah has always been in our synagogue—that’s it’s a place for her to take her shoes off and relax, not a scary building where she has to wear shoes that are too tight and be on her best behavior.

The party was great, too, Leah’s mom did an unbelievable job of planning a very classy event that beautifully reflected Leah’s sensibilities. And the food was extraordinary. I think I’ve had two dreams since then about the cheese table alone. Mmmmmm.

I chanted part of Leah’s Torah portion with her on the bima and I so enjoyed it. Instead of my constant kvetching about my own Bar Mitzvah, which had the misfortune of coming smack dab in the middle of my parents’ divorce, I want to reclaim that ritual and have a new Bar Mitzvah some time in the next few years. Wanna come? I can’t promise a gigantic slab of halvah or the chopped liver ferris wheel I saw at one terrifying Bar Mitzvah many years ago, but I can assure you I’ll be way more into it than I was in 1972!

Comments

[Mary]

Oh man, this is one of those moments when I so desperately want to be a Member of the Tribe... I live vicariously through you, Danny. What a fabulous post.

Sincerely,
Mary.

[tamarika]

Dear Danny,
Congratulations. What a beautiful and moving occasion. Leah looks absolutely glorious! How proud you must all be to have worked so hard to create this complex and loving family. I have a small sense of how hard you have all worked to create such a warm, unified embrace of Leah.
Mazal Tov to everyone!

[Pearl]

Mazel tov to you and the entire family. I'm sure it was a very moving ceremony and life cycle event for all, based on your description.

Leah is truly lovely in the photos with those gorgeous red curls and winning smile of hers.

We are coming up to my oldest son's bar mitzvah at the end of June, G-d willing. My husband, Ron, is teaching Avi the Torah portion, so I guess Ron is the equivalent of your scary rabbi who yelled at you. But thank G-d there isn't too much yelling 'round here. :)

Damn, now I'll have that Prince of Egypt song running through my head all day!

Mazel tov again.

[Barbara]

Mazel Tov Danny! Leah looks absolutely gorgeous. What a wonderful post - it sounds like an amazing simcha. Just let me know when and where and I'll be at your bar mitzvah with bells on! (metaphorically speaking, of course...)

[your sister]

My eyes still sting from all the crying I did at the ceremony. It was seriously the most beautiful, meaningful, poignant, entertaining and fun event I have ever been to. Leah and all of her parents did an amazing job. Let's do it again.

xxoo
your sister

[Roberta]

Mazel Tov. She is exquisite (and the dress is perfect!).

[churlita]

Holy cow. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful. It's wonderful that Leah has such incredible support from both sets of parents.

[ByJane]

Mazel tov...!

[Judy]

Mazel tov! Your daughter looks so beautiful and mature. I loved the story of her Bat Mitzvah. Although I sent my kids to a reform temple in the village yes, Greenwich, nyc, the Rabbi would always pick on the boys at any event, thereby turning my daughter off. She claimed to learn only two letters in a year. It's so important to have good teachers. Like her mom,she dropped out of Hebrew school and never had a Bat Mitzvah. The Rabbi was later fired for drinking with underage girls,so she always liked to say her Rabbi was a pedophile (not really). Maybe her Birthright Israel trip she's taking in May will cause her to have a softening of heart.

[Heather]

Mazel tov to you and yours, Danny. It sounds like a beautiful event for a beautiful young woman.

[Ellen Bloom]

Mazeltov! Leah is a knockout!

[Heather E]

AAWWW! Leah is a beautiful young lady, and I know you are just busting with pride and joy. Congrats! This was a beautiful post.

[cruisin-mom]

wow Danny, you brought me to tears. Your daughter is lovely, and so are you :)...I would love to come to your bar mitzvah!

[Jane]

Having read through all of your blog posts, I have had the privilege of watching Leah bloom into womanhood. She grows more beautiful and more striking every year, and it's clear to me by the radiance in her eyes that she has a lot of art inside of her that she'll one day share with the world, just as her parents have.

A wonderful post, Danny, and an awesome family. Mazeltov to you and yours.

[Melinda]

Mazeltov! Leah looks beautiful!

[Arlene]

Danny, Leah is really a beautiful young woman! I am so glad that everything went so well, and you all enjoyed the day. Her next big event will be her sweet 16. I didn't have a Bat Mitzvah, but my SS was at Shang Hi Lills on Elston Ave. That was the place back in the day! Anyway, I would love to come to yours considering I wasn't invited to the first one from the looks of the picture, but I already told you that I forgive you!

[fringes]

Lurker de-lurking to say: that was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

[Elisabeth]

1. Leah is beyond beautiful. It's been great to see her become more and more of a gorgeous young woman (Danny, when is the shotgun coming out to repel the overly eager suitors? :o) )

2. This was a wonderful, and incredibly moving post. Leah really knew the meaning of what she was doing, and she is to be commended for that.

Thanks for having shared that with us, Danny.

[Laurie]

Mazeltov Danny!--to you and the whole family.
What a gorgeous picture of Leah!

I am so happy for you that it went so well and was so moving. We all need more of that in our lives.

I would love to come to your Bar Mitzvah. That is such a great idea to replace bad memories with treasured new ones.

Laurie

[Frances]

Congratulations to Leah. You must be so proud; your post makes me wonder if eventually we'll reconsider our decision not to enroll my daughter in Hebrew School. And your musings about a second Bar Mitzvah are a refreshing solution to dealing with bad memories.

[Elaine Soloway]

Oh, how I wish I could've been there to witness this and to be part of the chorus. Thank you for sharing this once-in-a-lifetime event.

You should know, Danny, it's never too late. I was Bas Mitzvahed at the age of 51. It was an amazing experience, too.

Please pass on my Mazel Tovs to Leah and the entire extended family. You are all blessed.

xoxo
Elaine

[Mindy]

What a wonderful post! I think my favorite posts are the ones you write about your family, with old movies and film trivia coming in a close second.

I think a do-over of your Bar Mitzvah is a great idea, and I would love to be part of that experience.

Leah is a beauty-full young woman and incredibly photogenic! Congratulations, Leah!

[Jeff]

Congrats Danny!

Its been a long time since I've read this blog and it looks like I came back at a good time! What a fantastic experience for Leah, Kendall and you. And a wonderful description of the event -- makes me wish I was there.

It's been probably more than two years since I changed computers and lost contact with your blog. It's good to be back. Your posts are always inspiring, heart warming and funny and I'm glad you're still at it and apparently doing well.

Regards,
Jeff Northrop

[OldOldLady Of The Hillsl]

Congratulations to you all, Danny...Particularly to Leah for reaching this very momentous and wonderful point in her young life!

[Ellen]

I've been wondering when this was happening, it sounds like such a fantastic event. Leah's growing up so fast and she looks incredible! Congratulations.

[Mary]

I was thinking that maybe you could do a Webcast of your 2nd Bar Mitzvah...

[Neil]

Knowing Leah, I know when she spoke, the Jewish people listened.

[Otir]

Mazeltov! Tis a joy to read this post, and a joy to see your beautiful daughter.

[Pam G]

Congratulations on your beautiful daughter and her achievements. Wonderful that the entire family could come together for this event.

When I turned 13 in 1974, my mother's closest friend who was Jewish explained to me about the Bat Mitzvah and gave me a rather large bottle of Chanel No. 5 perfume she had purchased in the Pittsburgh branch of Saks Fifth Ave since I was "a woman now." My mother said I was too young to wear it and took it away from me. Yet somehow I retrieved it and have carried it with me everywhere I have lived ever since.

About six months ago, on birthday 46, I opened it for the first time and took a sniff. Didn't care for it but couldn't bring myself to throw it away. I now gaze upon it each morning as I apply the newer, lighter scent that sits beside it on my "perfume shelf."

May Leah's memories of this special time be just as enduring.

[Bob Civin]

A beautiful piece Danny, and I was a bit envious. My bar mitzvah was the standard coin of 1938. It was a travesty. I never found out what my portion was and I concluded the affair with a "Today I am a man"speech.

Few things are irremidiable though. In October I'm going to be 83 and am preparing for a real, and meaningful bar mitzvah, concluding with a speech that will knock the audience off its seats.

Our cantor is working with me on the cantillation, andI look forward to a splendid event.

Bob C.

[neil fleischmann]

I know I'm late but I wanted to say Mazal Tov!