My Interview with Arjewtino

Being the loner and control freak that I am, I usually shy away from online group activities. But Neil Kramer of Citizen of the Month gets me every time. Something about his blog brings out another side of me. I am far more obnoxious in my comments on his blog than I am anywhere else, I have blatantly flirted with his wife on his own website, and I have participated in his various online be-ins such as his annual blogger holiday concert (in which you can hear me sing in French, Hebrew, and English!). Neil is like the Pied Piper of the blogosphere. His latest group exploit is the Great Interview Experiment in which readers who agree to participate are interviewed by the preceding person on the list and then they interview the person who happens to follow their name. Well over 300 people have signed up for this experiment and the results are diverse and fascinating (Neil has provided links to all the published interviews here.)

I was assigned to interview a blogger who goes by the name Arjewtino. I had never read his blog before but I was happy to discover it. Arjewtino is a hip blogger who was born in Argentina (his Jewish parents moved there from Europe just after World War II, a curious fact that I’d like to hear more about considering Argentina was also a well known haven for former Nazis). They moved to southern California when Arjewtino was a young boy and today he lives in Washington, D.C. Unlike me, he doesn’t reveal his actual name on his blog and he calls his girlfriend “The Princess.”

I enjoy his writing style and feel we have a lot in common even though he just returned from a week-long stint at the Dodgers baseball fantasy camp for adults. The closest I ever got to baseball camp was attending crowded screenings of “Bull Durham,” “Field of Dreams,” and “The Bad News Bears.” Let’s just say I was not in line for MVP status on the baseball fields of my youth. But I did get to attend a lot of Cubs games back in the day because my grandfather’s clothing store was one of their sponsors. Here’s my grandfather with baseball great Willie Mays (not a Cub, of course) who I got to meet along with other stars such as Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Jack Brickhouse, and Lou Boudreau.(Hey, Arjewtino, maybe you can teach me how to throw a baseball one day—as long as you promise not to laugh at my current technique.)

Danny: Your trip to Dodgers baseball camp sounds like a dream come true. I’m trying to think of a sports question that won’t reveal my total ignorance on the subject but I can’t so I’ll simply ask what it’s like to live out a fantasy that you’ve had all your life.

Arjewtino: The grand experiment known as the United States of America continues to succeed because we are told repeatedly that we can accomplish anything with hard work. This is bullshit. Not all of us can live out our fantasies. Nor should we.

Imagine a world where everyone’s dreams came true. What would happen to all the strippers or garbage men? Who would clean our gutters or manufacture our shoelaces?

We need people to fail so that we can succeed. Thomas Jefferson knew this. That’s why he knocked up his slave.

Danny: You’re clearly a cool blogger, but are you a neurotic one? Have you ever had weird feelings about people who are close to you who have no interest in or have never even looked at your blog? Do you ever fret about the number of comments you receive on your posts?

Arjewtino: Remember that scene in “Superman III” when Christopher Reeve fights his “evil” self in a junkyard for some reason? That is what it feels like to be a blogger. The “real me” fighting against the “evil blogger me.” That is, I have to fight the urge to care about how many comments I get or how much site traffic I’m receiving or how many people subscribe to my feed. And I have to do it in a junkyard known as the Internet.

People think they know you because they read your words on a Web site. But the truth is, the “real you” is much more boring and probably a lot scarier than readers might realize.

Especially when Richard Pryor is out to get you.

Danny: When I lived in Chicago, I remember eating at a number of excellent Argentinean restaurants. Now that I live in L.A., can you help me out? I know you used to live here, do you know where I can get the real deal? (I assume you wouldn’t call Gaucho Grill a true representative of your people’s cuisine.)

Arjewtino: I used to wait tables at Gaucho Grill when I lived in L.A. I liked working there because the tips were decent and I got to take home as much free bread as I wanted. I got fired, though, when I took an unscheduled day off to see my girlfriend.

That’s the danger with going to Argentinean restaurants. We might not show up to work and there might not be any bread for you to eat. But if you must go, I highly recommend Buenos Aires Grill in Northridge.

Danny: You’re surprised that they’re making a musical about Anne Frank? I’ve got news for you, bro, they already made one in 1985. It was called “Yours, Anne” and I am one of the few people on the planet who admit to seeing it. I still torture my wife with the song Peter Van Daan sang called “I Am Not a Jew!” I get that you’re not a big musicals fan (and I’m not even asking about “Evita”) but do you have any positive experiences with this art form that you can share? (Okay, I have to say it—with that moustache you like to sport, you’d make a killer “Che” in “Evita.” Maybe the Princess can put on a big dress and play Eva Peron. Don’t tell me that’s not a fantasy you two have shared!)

Arjewtino: The only musical I went to see that I liked was “Phantom of the Opera.” I begged my dad to take me for my 15th birthday. On a separate note, my mom thought I was gay until I brought home a girl when I was 18.

Eva is not only the name of the famous Argentine First Lady, but it also my mom’s name. I think that clearly answers your last question.

Danny: Speaking of Argentina, do you think that people born in countries other than the U.S. tend to have a better grasp on our world? When you were little, what’s the dumbest thing you ever heard an American friend say about Argentina?

Arjewtino: The most common thing people asked me was, “If you’re from Argentina, then why are you white?” They just didn’t get that my country systematically killed off the indigenous people who were there first in order to make room for the Spanish, Italians, Germans, and British.

The answer to the first question is obvious. The United States fosters a “me-first/the sun revolves around us” social curriculum. This explains why the baseball championship is called the World Series. I do think other countries teach their citizens about the outside world much better than we do. But I don’t blame the U.S. for this. I blame Heavy Metal. And Skittles.

Danny: Since you brought up sexy Jennifer Tilly, who is turning 50 this year, and that awful word “cougar” which stands for older women who like to date younger men, can you name a well known woman over 50 that you would like to date?

Arjewtino: During fantasy Dodgers camp, I developed a huge crush on the 50-something-year-old bartender named Fran. I spent most evenings flirting with her. Then she told me she planned on voting for John McCain and the crush vanished.

As far as a well-known older woman? If I couldn’t have Jennifer Tilly, I’d have to go with Judi Dench. I bet she’s mad crazy in the sack.

Danny: Love the Alyssa Milano encounter but the Alfonso Ribeiro, Scott Valentine, and Vanilla Ice references were a little scary. I am constantly dropping names on my blog so I’d like to hear one more celebrity story. Who have you run into that excited you?

Arjewtino: During her first visit to L.A. several years ago, the Princess said she wanted to see one thing: a celebrity. A few days into the visit, we were hanging in the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica when my sister told us that Ted Danson was having dinner inside a restaurant. I told the Princess that we would walk by and get a better look but that she had to be cool.

“Don’t act starstruck,” I told her. “That’s SO embarrassing.”

But as we walked past Ted Danson eating dinner with wife Mary Steenburgen and their kids, I was the one who got all excited. I squeezed the Princess’ hand tightly and not-so-softly whispered, “Oh my god, that’s Ted Danson!” If the Princess hadn’t been there to drag me out of the restaurant, I’m pretty sure I would have stopped to ask him all about Cheers and if he still talked to George Wendt.

Danny: I always wondered if native speakers of other tongues had the Henry Higgins-like ability to identify dialects in their own language. When you hear someone speak Spanish, can you immediately tell what country they’re from? Without getting you into trouble, are there some accents that make your skin crawl and others that you find the most pleasing?

Arjewtino: That is a very astute question, Danny. I can totally pick up on an Argentine accent. In fact, the closer an accent is to Argentina, the easier I can tell where someone is from. For example, I can tell if someone is from Uruguay or Chile but Venezuela would give me trouble.

Mexicans also speak differently from, say, Guatemalans, so that kind of Spanish is easy to detect. The one accent I hate, though, has to be that of the Spaniards. That royal lisp sounds like nails on the chalkboard.

Danny: I like everything I’ve heard about the Princess. Since you’re an atheist Hebe, I doubt you’re pressuring her to convert. But I’d like to hear you make a brief argument in favor of her converting as well as an argument against it.

Arjewtino: I once asked the Princess if she would convert to Judaism for me and she said, “I would if I thought it was important to you.” That might be a calculated bluff, but it’s really not important to me. My parents were hippies who believed in love, not religion, so they never ingrained that aspect of my Jewish culture into me.

If it were important to me, though, I would argue that if she converted then she would get Yom Kippur off. Of course, then she’d have to starve herself. On the plus side, she’d get all her sins forgiven in one go.

Danny: Besides George W., what American politician do you think has done the most damage to this country and why? (This can be from any era.)

Arjewtino: You really can’t get worse than Dubbya. The man actually said these words: “"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."

But if I had to choose, I’d go with the comically corrupt Warren Harding. He got elected thanks only to his backroom buddies, was involved in the Teapot Dome scandal, and couldn’t even finish his term in office when he died after eating some bad fish.

Even he knew he was an idiot. He once said, “"I am not fit for this office and should never have been here."

Thanks, Arjewtino! And I’m looking forward to those baseball lessons.

Comments

[Arjewtino]

Jesus, Jennifer Tilly. Incredible.

Great job, DaMi, you've inspired me. To do what? I'm not sure yet.

[Neil]

Jesus, considering that your interview was total random, I can't think of a better match-up. And notice how I used the word "Jesus" with two Jews. Thank you Danny for introducing Arjewtino to your readers.

[david]

Great post. Just can't imagine my blog mattering enough (to me) to participate in this.

[Artful Kisser]

I think that's the most entertaining interview I've seen in Neil's experiment so far. Great to discover you bth.

[Elisabeth]

This was a wonderfully fun interview, and a great match. I am definitely going to visit Arjewtino's blog. Very good job - great questions, Danny, and superb answers, Arjewtino!

[churlita]

I loved, loved, loved your interview. Both the interviewer and the interviewee were fascinating and fun.

[AscenderRisesAbove]

I very much enjoyed the entire interview.
Who is the artist the illo at the top - is it a photoshop?

[Mindy]

They made a musical out of Anne Frank?!!! I can't believe I missed that one!

[Laurie]

Danny,

Where can we find your interview?

[Goods]

Great interview. Sorry about "Sky Blue Sky" not winning the Grammy album of the year, but the Grammys have rarely been about the music.