A Father’s Plea to Teenage Boys

Two weeks from today my daughter officially becomes a teenager. This morning I looked at our reflections in the bathroom mirror and was startled to see that Leah is only an inch or so away from my height. We joked how she’d soon be towering over me since she’s growing like a weed and I’ve started moving in the other direction. Leah has changed so much during the past year. She let her hair, which she’d been straightening for years, go completely natural, she’s developed her own unique style of dress, and she has shown so many signs that she’s maturing into a caring, evolved, socially conscious person. Leah started 7th grade this year at a new middle/high school and she is loving it. Sure, adolescence is a minefield but this very progressive school seems to be a great fit and she’s thriving there. There is a kindness at this school that I find very heartening. When I finished a school day at her age, I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. I ran out the door as if I was escaping from prison and I never looked back. When I pick Leah up from school, I am always surprised to watch the long end-of-day ritual that includes tearful goodbyes and so much frantic hugging you’d swear these kids were about to leave the country for a dangerous war zone and thought they were never going to see each other again.

When Leah was little I swore I would never become one of those over-protective fathers who threatened the life of any boy who dared to date my daughter. Now that she is showing some interest in the opposite sex (and to give my poor child one tiny vestige of privacy I’ll refrain from supplying any details!), my resolve is being tested. I’ve met a few boys at her school that I liked so much I’d sign the matchmaker’s shidduch papers tomorrow. As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes I think arranged marriages are a great idea. God knows many of the relationships that people find on their own are total disasters, why not leave it up to the professionals? My great-grandparents’ marriage was arranged for them and it was probably one of the most successful relationships in my family. On the other hand, if I had allowed my family to arrange my marriage, I probably would have ended up with the girl my Aunt Mary tried to fix me up with at her own son’s wedding in Toronto when I was a teenager. She grabbed me during the party and tried to force me to sit at this girl’s table, whispering to me that “her parents are sitting on two million bucks.” I think she was even a distant relative. Eww. Okay, forget the arranged marriages, I guess Leah will have to find her own bashert.

As a freelance writer and book editor, I spend many of my days roaming the neighborhoods of Los Angeles, stopping at libraries, coffeehouses, and bookstores that have wireless Internet access. I often find myself in one of these places when school lets out and I frequently get the opportunity to overhear conversations between groups of teenage boys.

Oy.

Yesterday I was sitting in front of a Starbucks in Brentwood, one of the wealthiest areas on the west side of Los Angeles. A group of five high school boys from the exclusive Brentwood School barreled into the courtyard at about 3:30, and I found their conversation and demeanor a little horrifying. I tried to think back to when I was a teenager and I suppose I would have been equally repulsed listening to my own conversations—teenagers will be teenagers, boys will be boys. Talking like that amongst themselves is all part of the experience of growing up and figuring out who they are, right? Still, there were plenty of behaviors exhibited by this group of privileged teens that made me want to interrupt their afterschool gathering and give them some much needed advice, especially if these guys represent the dating pool my daughter will be calling on. She doesn’t live or go to school anywhere near Brentwood, but I’m sure these guys were not that atypical. So, Brentwood Boys, here are just a few words of wisdom from your eavesdropping elder:

Pull your damn pants up! Look, I get that certain fashion statements come and go and that such fads are always judged as outrageous by the older generation. Hell, I used to wear a lime-green Nehru jacket to school in the early 1970s. My other “uniform” was an old t-shirt with a faded tuxedo drawn on the front, ripped jeans that were way too long, and a very beaten-up fringed leather jacket. I also acknowledge that as an adult I’m no fashion maven—my daily garb hasn’t changed very much from my high school jeans and t-shirts days. But in the history of modern civilization, has there ever been a fad as ridiculous as baggy pants worn completely under the butt? I heard that this style originated in prisons where men were not allowed to have belts. Okay, I get it. But you guys are cinching your expensive designer pants with even more expensive belts, making sure that your Abercrombie-clad rears are in full view of the public whether we like it or not. Get real, boys, your gangsta-posing is SO 2005.

Lay off the caffeine! Wow, you guys are already slaves to the evil Starbucks empire? This is not great news for your growth patterns or nervous systems. Believe me, from where I sit, you teens are jittery enough, what’s with the venti mochas, frappucinos, and lattes? And the two of you downing Red Bulls, what kind of high are you getting from that? You’re just asking for trouble. You can look forward to dehydration, restlessness, arrythmias, and major sleep deprivation in your future. Let’s not even talk about the empty calories you’re downing in those syrupy drinks. Sure, most of you have super-fast metabolisms NOW and are as thin as heroin addicts, but just wait. As for the one overweight kid in your group, I hope you’re getting plenty of exercise and not spending too much time on the Internet. Your “Fuck Me, I’m Fat” t-shirt tells me that you’re not completely self-conscious about your size, but then again, the t-shirt is so blindingly offensive, I’m too busy wondering about the dress code at Brentwood to worry about your health.

Put down your cell phones. Five guys hanging out together and yet in the thirty minutes I was at the table next to yours, there was never a moment when at least two of you weren’t jabbing on your cell phones. What is so important that you have to ignore your friends sitting there? You also seemed to enjoy giving each other the finger during several impromptu cell phone photo sessions. By now you must have endless galleries of such photos. I don’t know who you’re talking to on your cell phones but I hope it’s not your mom or girlfriend with that constant barrage of expletives. But, hey, I remember the phase where every other word out of my mouth was a four-letter one. And I certainly would never have talked that way to my teachers or parents. So go ahead and express yourselves any fuckin’ way you want when you’re together, but DON’T be calling any of your female friends bitches or hos.

STOP SMOKING! Really, guys, WTF? Out of the five of you, four were chain smoking the whole time you were there. Are you freaking nuts? I guess you're all 18 so your smoking isn’t illegal in California, just clinically INSANE! With everything that is known today about cigarettes and the effects of nicotine and tobacco on the body, why the hell would you ever start smoking in the first place? Do you really think it’s “cool?” Is it possible that you could be that stupid? Statistics would say that two or three of you have at least one grandparent who has died from some hideous smoking-related illness. My mom started smoking at your age and she was a three-pack-a-day addict for decades until she finally gave it up. We were all so proud of her for licking her addiction but eight years later she still died of small-cell lung cancer. Believe me, you don’t want to go through that. I know you all still think you’re immortal, but you’re not. This is the WORST thing you could be doing to your health, you are literally killing yourselves and you need to STOP it immediately. Honestly, for all my worries about becoming the clichéd overprotective father, I think I might lock Leah in her bedroom if that would keep her from developing a smoking habit. Luckily, she thinks smoking is just as disgusting and dangerous as I do. Expensive as hell, too. Do your parents know what you’re doing with the money they give you?

Okay, I’m done with my speech, Brentwood Boys. Maybe you’re really nice guys and just going through the normal phases of adolescence. But stop with the cigarettes and all the other stuff that is dangerous like drugs and booze and unprotected sex. And when you do drink or do drugs, for God sakes, stay away from your fancy cars. Don’t think you’re entitled to a free ride in life just because your parents are rich. Pay attention in school and do whatever you can to make the world a better place. Or just try to get through these years without making a total ass of yourself, you’ll thank me later. Remember to be kind, to look people in the eyes when you talk to them, and to treat everyone you meet with respect, even if you think they are total dipshits. Good luck, guys. Oh, and one more little thing….if you ever hurt my daughter, I may have to kill you.

Comments

[Andrea]

Like my own dad would say when I was interested in a fellow musician: "Tell him he can't play guitar with two broken arms!"

[Nancy]

The smoking is what I totally don't get. I know adolescents want to flirt with death, but death through disease seems so SLOW and PAINFUL to appeal to kids. Just plain dumb.

[margalit]

YOu've just described every teenage boy I've met in the past few years. Even my son tried to smoke in the house once, but I caught him and punished him within an inch of his life. Smoking? Get fucking real.

Now my daughter has a friend whose parents are sitting on MORE than 2 million. They are loaded. Mom works for the Red Sox front office and they have TWO sets of box seats right up by the home dugout. I'm ready to start planning the wedding, but my daughter has no interest in the boy. She's a MORON.

[Arlene]

Hi Danny,

I just want to say that your daughter is absolutely adorable!! And, I don't know why but for some reason I remember your "tux" shirt and fringe jacket from our school days! I have three boys...maybe we can arrange something. Only kidding!! Have fun, it sounds like her dating days are ready to begin!

[Your Wife]

Just had to say that picture doesn't begin to do Leah justice... or was that part of your plan, Daddy Danny? Not only is she gorgeous, she is so smart, witty, self-possessed and courageous that I don't think she is going to have many problems (or at least not as many as her adoring stepmother!) navigating the world of boys. She'll be pulling up their pants, stubbing out their cigarettes, hanging up their cell phones and preaching long and hard on the evils of caffeine. However, if any of them do hurt her, you know I want to be in on the killin'!

[Emily Barton]

Makes you really understand stories of rich boys from New Jersey raping retarded girls in their parents' basements, doesn't it? But that was years ago. I was so hoping things had changed. However, I think you need not fear Leah would have anything to do with such boys. And just think: now you've got a real point of reference. Any boy you might have eyed suspiciously had you not run into the swearing-smoking-caffeine addicts will seem heaven sent, just because he's got his pants up over his waist.

[churlita]

I live in Iowa and the boys here are no different. It's just funnier when small town Iowa boys try to look and act all gansta.

Luckily, my daughters roll their eyes at those boys too.

[Melissa Balmer]

Oh the idea of kindness at a middle school fills me with such hope! Your daughter is so adorable I so hope she doesn't take to meandering over to Brentwood for fun and shopping.

The first time I saw a boy with his pants under his butt cheeks I honestly didn't know what to think. The fact that virile, agile young men walk around holding their pants up not to have them around their ankles just makes me laugh!

[Will Bladt]

Danny,

While I, too, would be horrified by the actions you described and inclined to speak to the boys about stopping what they were doing to keep the public space tolerable for the public, I take issue with your assumption "A group of five high school boys from the exclusive Brentwood School barreled into the courtyard at about 3:30..." How do you in fact know, since, regarding your daughter, "She doesn’t live or go to school anywhere near Brentwood, but I’m sure these guys were not that atypical?"

By 3:30 pm, a boy from any one of a variety of public and private schools all around the city could be in Brentwood Village. But let's look at the likelies: Brentwood, Pali, SaMo, Crossroads, Harvard-Westlake, Windward, Milken, Wildwood, Oakwood, New Roads, Malibu, Uni...I didn't mention the ones with uniforms but still, I could go on.

Additionally, there is an outpatient treatment center for teens with substance abuse problems called Visions (http://www.visionsteen.com) right on Barrington Walk in the village. Couldn't it be, and much more likely be, that the boys were NOT from Brentwood School at all given all these possibilities of where they might have come from? Brentwood School has only about 250 total boys in the high school. Do the math on the odds. Odds are they are not even from Brentwood School. And this bunch doesn't sound like the students I know.

I work at Brentwood School. I've worked at schools in New York, Boston, San Franciso, and LA. Brentwood School has some of the finest young people I've ever had the honor of working with. Do we have students who exhibit some of the behaviors you have described? Some of them. Sometimes. But it is definitely not the norm. The norm I've found at Brentwood School is that it's cool to gain intelligence, to work hard, to be kind to others, and to care about the world in which we all live.

It's my hope that people in our community here in LA would take the time, in a civil and kind way, to speak to any young person who isn't meeting "public expectations." I do it all the time with kids I've never seen and when I treat them with patience and respect, I've never had a time when I'm not respected back by them.

It's also my hope that people stop assuming that any teen who walks in, drives through, bikes on, and hangs out in Brentwood Village is a Brentwood School student. CHANCES ARE THEY ARE NOT!

My thanks,

Will Bladt

[tamar]

I NEVER listened to my elders on any of these VERY SIMILAR spot-on points you make and questions you raise. Yet... I did listen to my teachers, and thankfully I went to fine schools with mostly fine teachers and fine camps with almost always fine counselors. (My parents had a huge influence on school and camp choices so formal education and summer activities were "tools" of influence they had to manage my development most effectively.) I also had lots of old fashioned mazel to get me to this day. I feel your pain and trust you are doing/being all that is possible... aside from surrendering.

[Danny]

Will, yikes, I apologize-- I really didn't mean to impugn the reputation of all Brentwood students--or even these ones! I personally know kids who go there who are just great and it's clearly a wonderful school with a lot to offer! But it wasn't a total assumption on my part--one of them had a Brentwood School t-shirt on and the school came up in their conversation a few times but it's true, I didn't know their exact status and I didn't ask. I also admit that I brought into my reaction of these boys a special bias because of where we were geographically (not where you described but even closer to the school) and the fact that they seemed to be from wealthy families. I realize this isn't fair. These boys could have been from ANY school in terms of their behavior, but their "privileged" status added to my judgment, it's true. Is it contradicting everything I wrote above to say that I don't even think these boys were acting that badly? I really don't--they were amongst themselves and horsing around, and I don't doubt for a second that they would have acted differently if they were interacting with different groups. Does it invalidate my comments from last week to say that I sort of liked these boys? They DID seem intelligent, except for their stupid decision to smoke, and some of their crazy fashion statements. But I'm sure they will dress very appropriately at their future job interviews. I'm sure the reputation of being a "rich kid's school" infuriates all of you and I'm sorry for adding to that stereotype. I should have left out the name of the school instead of using it as a marker of privilege and entitlement. You sound like a great teacher and one who is teaching his students the necessary skills of reading critically. But wherever these kids were from, I wonder if there's any way for our L.A. High Schools to work harder to prevent students from getting addicted to cigarettes, I have to say that was the part that made me the most nuts.

[Pearl]

What is often perceived as "cool" by kids is seen as "crass" by observers; that is what I've always thought of the pants hanging off the tush of boys...and of girls...the underwear waistband sitting pretty high up on the boy, the thong next-to-nothing waistband sitting low on a girl.
A style thing? Feh...!
Your daughter is most mature (a Dad or Maman trait?) and has some good role models to follow. I believe she'll hold her own in many a situation, and like Kendall says,
Leah will handle matters in her own, intelligent way. Any boy who ends up with Leah as a girlfriend or as a close, close friend, is very lucky. (Tell her that Pearl decrees so!)

[Sharry]

I so wish those boys would hear you.

[Miss Ladybug]

I am a newfound fan of your blog. Your writing is clear, honest and heartwarming. There are so many female voices out there, and I like hearing the male perspective too. You are a good Dad with a sense of humor. A good mix!

[Shari]

One of the counselors I work with had a male student walk in wearing an offensive t-shirt. She asked him take it off and turn it inside-out before she was willing to sit and talk with him. He complied. I think it's ok for us (when appropriate-maybe not strangers, but there may be times when this is ok) to give our young people that kind of feedback. Just so they know how their behavior is impacting others.

[Rosa]

Your daughter is so adorable! Love the outfit, too. She reminds me so much of my friend when she was that age. You don't happen to have or had any relatives in or around the Boston area?

Is it just me or is everything on your blog way down on the left side on the page? The middle is blank. Mine was acting up a couple of days ago, it may just be my computer, no idea.

[Kerry]

OH MY GOD!!! HEY WILL.... DEFENSIVE MUCH ? The boys Danny described are typical 15-16 year old boys ANYWHERE, and yes, my friend,from Brentwood as well. I'm assuming most of Danny's readers not only understand , but have compassion for adolescent development and realize these young men will grow up to be solid productive citizens. We all wade through it and, if we are lucky come out the other side to the bank of tentative maturity. I adored the fact you jumped to point a finger anywhere other than your school. Now THAT shows the character that Brentwood School should be proud of ! "It's those Visions hoodlums again Maude, stealing our kids sweatshirts and acting up down to the Starbucks". How well do you know your students, Will? Not very, I'm assuming. And what kind of example do you give them by
denying culpability before examining the evidence?

I was raised in Beverly Hills. I am still there. When I was choosing
a school for my daughter Brentwood wasn't even on the list. Your
little diatribe illustrates why better than anything I could write.

[Ludo]

Sounds to me like the ol' "Turn down that rock music! Get a haircut!" advice. Its all relative, in twenty years, those 5 boys will be totally fine - husbands, fathers, responsible people - and they will be complaining about some new crop of teens doing some weird annoying stuff that's just as foreign to them as the red bulls and saggy pants are to us.