You’re going to hate me in a few minutes. That’s because I’m going to insist that you watch the jaw-dropping video that I’ve linked to below. As you do, your brain will struggle to comprehend how such a thing ever landed on network television. Your eyes won’t believe what they are seeing and your ears will start throbbing in protest. You will curse me for the rest of the day since you won’t be able to get this song out of your head, and your friends and colleagues will eye you strangely as you blurt out some of the warped lyrics.
I don’t usually pass on these “viral videos” that spread like kudzu all over the Internet, much less include them on my blog, but when my sister sent me this clip yesterday, I knew I had to share it. It’s a number that was performed by Bea Arthur and Rock Hudson on an Emmy-nominated Beatrice Arthur Special that CBS aired on January 19, 1980, not long after her TV show “Maude” went off the air.
I just have one tiny little question:
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
In the number, Bea and Rock play a couple of boozing, middle-aged suburbanites who are musing about the happy-go-lucky drug-addled kids of today. Arthur and Hudson seem to view all forms of recreational drug use with amusement and mirth, their only real problem being that they’re not down with the kids’ druggie lingo. Take a look:
Do you now feel like you are on a bad acid trip? Turns out this song comes from a terribly dated but successful 1970s musical called “I Love My Wife” with lyrics by Michael Stewart (“Hello Dolly”) and music by Cy Coleman (“Sweet Charity,” “On the Twentieth Century”). This was a play about the sexual revolution of the 70s featuring two wife-swapping couples (oy). Listening to the score, you can instantly tell that this came out just before the AIDS epidemic hit. Such hits as “Love Revolution,” “Sexually Free,” and “Married Couple Seeks Married Couple” are not exactly on the top ten list today in cabarets and karaoke bars. (On the other hand, someone should revive it now in a full-scale production—what a statement on this forgotten era!) The musical was directed on Broadway by Gene Saks, Bea Arthur’s husband, and I’m sure they thought their network version of this song was a hoot. For those of you who may want to review the mind-blowing Tony-nominated lyrics, here they are:
For some it’s grass, for some it’s coke
For some it’s powder, for some it’s smoke
Everybody today is turning on!
For some it’s dust, for some it’s weed
For some it’s acid, for some it’s speed
Everybody today is turning on!
Time was when if a fella felt depressed
He simply got it off his chest
By callin’ on a preacher
Talkin’ to his teacher
Coughin’ up a half a buck to see a double feature!
But now it’s pills, and now it’s pot
And now it’s poppers, and God-knows-what
Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are gone
Everybody today is turning on!
The simple life it must have been
When “smoke” was Luckys and “high” was gin
One pink lady and how it turned ‘em on!
“Junk” was trash, “speed” was swift
Glue was pasted instead of sniffed
Coke and aspirin, and wow it turned ‘em on!
But now it’s sniff and down it goes
Around your windpipe and up your nose
Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are gone
Everybody today is turning on!
Remember when “high” was up and kicks were tame
And “amyl nitrate” was some guy’s name?
Holdin’ hands and smoochin’ was turning on
“Horse” was ride and “roach” was bugs
“French connections” were foreign plugs
Jivin’ to Eddie Duchin was turning on!
Those days when if your nerves were kind of shot
Instead of going right to pot
You prayed to hold it steady
Kept a Bible ready
Took advice from Rabbi Weiss or Mary Baker Eddy!
But when the world is so amiss
How can a whiskey beat cannibis?
Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are temporarily gone
Everybody today is turning on!
Remember when “hash” was fried and “T” was brewed?
Someone “pushing” was merely rude
But once a week you cut the grass
And too much acid just gave you gas
Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are temporarily gone
Everybody today is puffin’
Into fudge look what they’re stuffin’
Hold it, Ma, don’t touch that muffin
God knows what your grandpa’s snuffin’
Everybody today is turning on!
Oh my God, I’m as “square” as Bea Arthur and Rock Hudson, I don’t even get half those terms. Horse? French connections? T? Stuffin’ fudge? Muffins? Heeeeeelp! Of course my favorite line is Rock’s fond memory of the time “when Amyl Nitrate was some guy’s name.” That's it! I now know what name to use if I ever have another kid!
Was this TV special the sole inspiration for Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No!” campaign? Can you imagine such a number on TV today sung by two popular stars in their late 50s? Was this the gayest special in the history of television? In addition to Rock Hudson’s barely closeted appearance, Arthur’s other guest was the flamboyant Wayland Flowers and his ribald old lady puppet named Madame. In one funny sketch, Bea accuses the puppet of being completely obsessed with sex. “Obsessed?” Madame responds, shocked. “That’s not true! I have very few words to say on the subject of sex. Those words are ‘Yes!’, ‘When?’, and ‘Where?’” When Madame asks Bea if she’s worried about having sex with Rock Hudson,” Arthur replies, “If he dies, he dies!” Gulp.
Rock Hudson did die five years after filming this special. As the most prominent early victim of AIDS, Hudson’s death finally forced the mainstream media to start dealing with the disease. Bea Arthur began a successful run in “The Golden Girls” the month that Rock Hudson died, and probably hoped that their paean to drug use was a forgotten bit of television lore. But now thanks to YouTube:
“EVERYBODY TODAY IS TURNING OOOOOOON!”
Good Lordy Marie!!! LOL! I don't remember ever seeing that special....! I must say, Rock Hudson was one game guy...In a way it is kind of wonderful that they did this number and here it is 27 almost 28 years later....And we can see it on YouTube. Are there other musical numbers with Rock? Are they also on YouTube?
To me, the most shocking thing is that Bea Arthur looks nothing like that now and hasn't for years and years....She is almost unrecognizable from her "MAUDE" days....The cruelty of age and plastic surgery....OY!
Posted by: OldOldLady Of The Hills | October 17, 2007 at 01:15 AM
Amazing, Danny. Thanks for having posted this one. I'll definitely share it with a few of my friends!
Posted by: Elisabeth | October 17, 2007 at 04:58 AM
Thanks for the clip, Danny!
If the late '70s didn't turn me into a Republican, nothing will.
Posted by: Melinda | October 17, 2007 at 07:12 AM
That is indeed an intesting musical moment from those long ago days of Variety Show Specials. And by "interesting" I mean damn strange. Not quite Bing-Crosby-David-Bowie-"Little-Drummer-Boy"-duet-strange, but still pretty freakin' odd.
Posted by: mark | October 17, 2007 at 08:35 AM
Okay, I was laughing at the whole video kitschiness, until you mentioned Madame. Now, I have her in my head and I can't get her out. Thanks a lot Danny.
Posted by: churlita | October 17, 2007 at 10:06 AM
Three points:
1. What I like is how it goes on and on and on. Because it is, of course, endlessly hilarious (listen to the hoots 'n' hollers of the audience).
2. What I like even more is how Rock laughs as he's singing "Amyl Nitrate." You just know it's because it stirred up some fond memory (fond member-y?) (Uh...not that there's anything wrong with that.)
3. Danny! You are not really so square that you never ate your pot in baked goods?!
I think the highest I've ever been was when someone cooked it in the spaghetti sauce. My contacts totally stuck to my eyeballs and I freaked out so bad, my friend Dave had to take me home from the party.
Oh, I'm such a rotten stoner...
Posted by: communicatrix | October 17, 2007 at 10:24 AM
Oh, is THAT what the fudge reference is about? If she had said "brownies" I would've understood immediately, but it never occurred to me that you could put drugs in something like fudge! Duh! Same for the "muffins" reference, I guess. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure "horse" is heroin (great topic for musical comedy!) but what is T? Do you think the "French Connection" they're singing about is simply a nod to the drug trafficking of heroin that used to go from Turkey to France before it hit the U.S.? Of course I only know that because of the Gene Hackman movie—I have no firsthand knowledge of ANY of this stuff, potential employers who may be reading my blog!
Posted by: Danny | October 17, 2007 at 10:56 AM
Danny, Danny, Danny. I guess I was just enough older than you in the 70s that I got all the drug references. Except for the muffin.
Posted by: Maria S. | October 18, 2007 at 01:04 PM
Hmmmm, I have to say, it's kind of catchy. I must be perverse but to hear those references in a broadway musical song, instead of a trippy song from the sixties, is strangly satisfying. Plus, for what it is, the performance is pretty good. How cool is it that we can view it so many years after the fact. Things like this prove how quickly times change. Great post.
Posted by: Ian | October 18, 2007 at 04:29 PM
I can't say you didn't warn me, but UGH! And it does go on doesn't it?
Posted by: Julie | October 20, 2007 at 12:14 PM
You are so right Danny. That song is nearly impossible to get out of my head. And with Stewart and Coleman behind the tune, I guess it makes sense.
And to answer your question, no, I can't imagine this number being done on television today. I truly can't and I find that kind of sad.
Kind of.
Posted by: Dave | October 21, 2007 at 01:01 AM
That's right up there with William Shatner's cover of Elton john's Rocket Man at the SciFi awards in '79.
Posted by: Goods | October 25, 2007 at 03:37 PM
Loved it!!
Posted by: Laureano from Argentina | December 05, 2008 at 06:40 AM
Horse = heroin
Posted by: Anonymous | July 09, 2009 at 05:59 AM
These songs were a success in that era, and the revolution that gave the sex was incredible!
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