Days of Repentance

“Your actions during Rosh Hashanah set the tone for the entire year ahead, so act accordingly,” our rabbi said yesterday during services for the Jewish New Year. “Oh my God,” I thought, squirming in my seat, running through a list of my recent actions that I desperately hope will not define my upcoming year.

Kendall and I are going to see singer Rufus Wainwright next week at the Hollywood Bowl. I like Rufus very much but I’m even more familiar with the rest of his folksinging family: father Loudon Wainwright III, mother Kate McGarrigle, and sister Martha Wainwright. All day today I couldn’t get one Loudon Wainwright song out of my head. It’s called “Father/Daughter Dialogue” and was written and performed by Loudon and his daughter Martha. The song came out of an actual fight the two were having in their frequently rocky relationship. Both being songwriters, they decided to put their raw, brutally honest feelings about each other into this song:

Martha Wainwright:
Dearest Daddy, with your songs
Do you hope to right your wrongs?
You can’t undo what has been done
To all your daughters and your son
The facts are in and we have found
That basically you’re not around
Dearest Daddy, try as you might
All you are is just uptight.

You sing of my mother and me
Somewhat sentimentally
You sing about a father and son
When all you do from him is run
You’d like to think that things are okay
By singing things that you should say
Dearest Daddy, with your songs
Do you hope to right your wrongs?

Loudon Wainwright:
Darling daughter, can’t you see?
The guy singing the songs ain’t me
He’s someone people wish I was
What I can’t do, this dude does
And if the songs seem slightly pat
I know life’s messier than that
They’re just songs and life is real
They’re just my version, how I feel.

And you don’t feel the same I know
How it went down or it should go
My mistakes you label wrongs
I expiate my guilt with songs
Why I’m uptight or not around
Those whys continue to confound
Darling Daughter, can’t you see?
The guy singing the songs ain’t me.

God, I love that song. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more honest dialogue between two family members. The issues I'm dealing with lately have nothing to do with my daughter but I so admire the truth that is present in the song and I can relate very strongly to Loudon Wainwright’s ruminations about how his "sins" intersect with his "art." Here would be my revised version of his poignant verse:

Hey blog readers, can’t you see?
The guy writing the blogs ain’t me
He’s someone I sure wish I was
What I can’t do, this dude does
And if the blog posts seem slightly pat
I know life’s messier than that
They’re just blogs and life is real.
They’re just my version, how I feel.

I’ve heard Loudon Wainwright’s moving songs about his ex-wife and his children, and this reaction from Martha provides a fascinating glimpse into the "truth" behind his art. While I understand and agree with Loudon’s explanation, I would also suggest that his songs and my blog posts ARE real, they are one of the primary ways we are able to make sense of our feelings, even if the people we’re writing about see it all very differently. Have I been trying to expiate some of my guilt with blogs? You bet I have—it’s better than becoming a heroin addict!

The Jewish and secular New Year holidays have little in common, except for one thing—both holidays encourage a lot of introspection. During the High Holidays, or High Holy Days, or more properly, the “Days of Awe,” Jews meditate on their lives and ask forgiveness of people they have wronged. On the second day of Rosh Hashanah (today), Jewish people observe a ritual called “Tashlich” in which they cast their sins into a body of water such as an ocean or lake. When I was little we used to go with my grandfather to the banks of Lake Michigan and throw hay into the water, the hay representing our sins of the past year (most Jewish people use bread). I used to rebel against this idea but now I love it. Perhaps this blog acts as my virtual Tashlich on occasion. Casting sins onto the water does not mean we are automatically forgiven or redeemed, but if we acknowledge the ways in which we have transgressed with humility and purpose, perhaps we can finally proceed down the path towards true repentance.

Wishing you all a sweet, happy, and healthy new year.

Comments

[Roberta]

I also love that song, and periodically it will pop into my head and apply itself to different scenarios and characters (the real-life kind).

Happy New Year, Danny, to you and your family.

[Andrea]

Shana Tova Danny! As yes, it is true I signed on to your blog today expecting to laugh out loud at another of your typically amusing accounts which I guessed would specifically address Rosh Hashanah, I admire your courage for the change in tone.
Now in my 30's, the only conclusions I've managed to come to is that human relations in general, especially family dynamic, is just plain complicated. I wish you an easiness in heart and a prayer for a little less angst in all of us this coming year..

[Emily]

Happy New Year, Danny! And what a terrific song! I feel the same way you do about my blog. I so often feel I'm not that person writing that and really wish I were. Then again, sometimes I feel I'm MORE that person and that those who read my blog maybe know me much better than those who never do. Maybe the irony is that we become more human, and thus more real, when we have a forum to express our insecurities and doubts without having to show our blushing faces.

I love the notion of casting sins into the water. I was with a friend yesterday who told me her family always threw rocks in the water.

[By Jane]

L'shana tova, Danny. I don't know about your other readers, but you seem to speak directly to me in your blog. You go that one brave step further than I do in self-revelation; I believe, however, that it's the step that is crucial to not being a stunted writer--and human!

[tamarika]

Hello there, Danny,

As one who has worked through some really difficult and challenging emotions through my blog, I would say it is one of the best vehicles for me to "put it out there" and learn from. Something about sharing it publicly has helped me do much deeper and more worthwhile introspection than even work I did alone with my therapist. Strange but true. So, kudos to you for reflecting out loud with all of us. As usual you bring in music or theatre to illustrate some of these hard feelings and I love the reference to Tashlich. Gee, I forgot to find a lake or ocean to throw my "whatevers" into! Perhaps I'll walk down to the Wissahickon right now and throw my "stuff" into the creek! It should be full of some perfectly appropriate rain water from last night's down pour.

Happy New Year, dear friend. You, of all people, should know that the "sun will come out tomorrow."

[tamar]

May you be inscribed in the Book of Life! I've enjoyed getting to "know you" via the blogosphere. A happy and sweet year to you and your family, friends, colleagues, and blog readers.

[churlita]

Happy New Year!

I love your blog.

[Pearl]

Never heard about hay being used for tashlich -- but sounds good to me!
I wish you and your family the sweetest of New Years. May you be inscribed in the Book of Life for a year of prosperity, good health, peace of mind and excessive happiness. (yes, Danny, you are entitled to it all!)
Shanah Tovah.