Please Read This. No, Don’t!

My previous post about Volkswagen’s use of some Wilco songs in a new ad campaign produced a huge spike in my readership and comments. That often happens when I write about Wilco because it temporarily brings over a whole new group of readers. At first I find it exciting to see my numbers rise (even though I pretend not to care or notice) but then just as quickly I start feeling anxious about what I need to do to “keep” my new readers. I’m sure Wilco fans are as diverse as any other group but it’s hard to shake the feeling that these youngish music lovers would roll their eyes at most of the topics I tend to write about. My Jewish ancestors? 1960s TV shows? A Liza Minnelli concert, for God’s sake? Gulp! I start to resent this pressure to conform (even though it’s all coming from me) and end up defiantly writing posts that I believe are of zero interest to the typical Wilco fan. As I watch my numbers go down, I feel a mixture of sadness and relief. I don’t have to please anyone, I can just be myself.

This is the same dysfunctional cycle that I’ve been repeating since I was a kid, especially during adolescence and beyond. There’s a part of me that craves attention but the minute I get it, I fear that that it will cause me to abandon my true self and create a false identity. Then the rebel inside of me kicks in with a big “fuck you!” to anyone who would have me change and I assert my independence by vigorously ignoring such temptations. The only problem with my self-righteousness is that no one is actually asking me to give up parts of myself, it’s all in my head.

One of the reasons the recent criticisms that my brother-in-law was "selling out" bothered me so much is because I've seen how grounded Jeff has remained even as he's become more and more successful. I've watched him play to gigantic crowds of people staring at him in admiration and mouthing the words to all his songs and yet the adulation never seems to go to his head. Could I survive that kind of attention so gracefully? Why does the idea of adulation terrify me so much? I don't feel the same way about critical comments. After one of my earlier posts that mentioned Wilco was referenced on a music site, I squealed with delight when I saw this comment:

oh god, not the danny miller blog. over at viachicago.org, the wilco message board, people go gaga over his blog. mostly just because they feel they can get a "non-stalkerish" glimpse into someone closely related to jeff tweedy.

Why does that tickle me so? Because I often share the groan, "oh god, not the danny miller blog?"

I’ve spent much of my life wanting to be noticed and wanting to be invisible at the same time. I love writing in this blog precisely because I write it for myself, on whatever quirky subject I feel like ruminating on at that moment. I have plenty of experience writing-for-hire and that’s fine, but this is the place where I’m able to explore anything I happen to be thinking about, no matter how offbeat or uninteresting it may be to others. If a reader doesn’t feel like trudging through one of my long posts, what do I care? That sounds sort of healthy, I guess, but as I said, I also pay too much attention to my “stats.” I’ve received lots of positive feedback about my blog over the past two years, but I still inwardly wince when my number of hits plummets, and I spend a lot time pondering why some of my blogger friends get endless comments on every single post and I hardly ever do. Sometimes the neuroses take over and I think I should just close up shop because obviously no one is interested in my convoluted ravings. Then the pendulum swings and I think, “fuck it, I love writing in this blog, who cares how many comments I get, that doesn’t mean a damn thing!” Again, I’m fighting with myself, not the public at large.

It’s not just an influx of Wilco fans that brings on this awkwardness. Whenever I write about my great-grandparents or my extended family in Toronto and then find out that some of my relatives have read my blog, I start to worry about other posts they might see on here. My siblings and I have often felt a little self-conscious around my orthodox cousins since we are nowhere near as observant. What will they think about the irreverent ways in which I talk about our family and about Judaism and other topics? Actually, this anxiety exists whenever I find out anyone has read my blog. As much as I pathetically monitor my stats, I’m always shocked when someone tells me they’ve read something on my blog. It makes me feel a little embarrassed, as if I’ve forced them to do it against their will. My usual “Please pay attention to me”/”Just pretend I don’t exist” dichotomy.

I enjoyed our friend Quinn Cummings’ recent discussion about blogging:

You know what’s annoying about writing a blog?

What’s annoying is when you say something sort of topical and you hope a little funny to a friend, and they look at you with pity and say “…yeah, I read that in the blog.” Well, damn it, if there was no Internet, I could have gotten at least a weeks’ worth of entertainment value out of that line.

And then when you try to cover yourself and before you tell the same anecdote say to another friend “Have you read the blog this week?”, only to have them look at you with pity and say “…I’ve been really busy…”, which leaves me feeling as if I am Norma Desmond from the movie “Sunset Boulevard,” asking which of my movies they want me to screen for them. I don’t need validation! I don’t want your love! I just want to make sure I’m not repeating material!

For me the most uncomfortable part of blogging is when I’ve found myself resenting close friends who don't read my blog for whatever reason. I have gradually learned to not take it personally when someone I know very well has absolutely no interest. There are many people who enjoy this form of writing, and many, many people who do not. If I was walking by a total stranger who was giving the URL of his blog to another stranger, I know that I’d make a mental note of it and look it up later that day. I am pathologically curious when it comes to that kind of thing. But in the few cases where I found myself asking someone to read my blog, I ended up feeling like Narcissus on a bender, or, as Quinn says, Norma Desmond forcing passersby into her screening room that only shows her silent films. The saving grace of blogging for me is that I can usually cut through the neuroses and write for myself, without obsessing on who may or may not be reading it. If that means writing about obscure topics that no one I know is remotely interested in, so be it. On the other hand, thanks to powerful search engines, I’m usually able to attract like-minded freaks with similar obsessions. To prove my point, here are some Google search terms that have led strangers to my blog during the past ten minutes:
• sigourney weaver six feet under
• charles nelson reilly brett somers
• old high school crush
• mortal storm margaret sullivan
• jeff tweedy brother-in-law
• scarlet johannson jew
• mary ellen walton
• wilco vw ad
• julie newmar robot housewife tv
• come on people now smile on your brother

Nothing makes me more self-conscious than writing about blogging so why am I doing it? I know it will force me to write again soon just to get this post off my front page.

In closing, I apologize to my swiftly diminishing Wilco readers that I have no desire or ability to write incisive commentaries about the current music scene. Unless, that is, you can transport yourself back 80 years and view people like Irving Berlin as part of the current scene. This post made me think of one of my favorite Irving Berlin songs:

Listen to me, honey dear
Something's wrong with you I fear
It's getting harder to please you
Harder and harder each year
I don't want to make you blue
But you need a talking to
Like a lot of people I know
Here's what's wrong with you:

After you get what you want, you don't want it
If I gave you the moon, you'd grow tired of it soon
You're like a baby
You want what you want when you want it
But after you are presented
With what you want, you're discontented.
You're always wishing and wanting for something
When you get what you want
You don't want what you get!

Comments

[a fan]

Came for the Wilco gossip, stayed for the Jewish ancestors and '60s TV shows. Write on.

[churlita]

You know I love your blog, but I agree with all your points about blogging. Sometimes I think I should just scrap mine, but then I really like the release of writing whatever crap I want and getting feedback. It's hard to keep it all in perspective.

[sue]

I love reading your blog, Danny, even if I rarely comment.
It's like having a cup of coffee with you at the Farmer's Market.

[communicatrix]

I know what you mean. I've always maintained that true success the admiration of a select group of one's peers + the ability to walk into any 7-11 in that land unmolested. Yet I went into...acting? Sure. No discrepancies there.

On a completely different note, for what it's worth, while I think your brother-in-law is a pretty great artist, I'm more interested in meeting your sister. How great would it be to get another perspective on this fascinating family of yours from someone else who grew up in it!?!

And then there's the whole issue of sibling similarities and differences. Does Sue like coconut cake, or is she a strawberry-rhubarb pie fan?

[Linser]

Hi, Danny

I just came to your blog recently because you were so complimentary of my brother Ian's music. I read the whole Wilco entry with comments, but I'm ashamed to say I've never heard Wilco's music that I know of. (I have heard of them, though). Looks like they inspire some pretty intense feelings. So it's your blog I like, not your relatives. I look forward to reading more.

[Pearl]

Give me glitz, give me kitsch, give me theater, give me family stories, give me high school reunions, give me your vulnerable moments, give me snapshots of your pride and joy daughter...AND I'M A KEPT WOMAN.

[Leah]

Ha ha!

Danny, when I fawn over your blog to colleagues it is for your 60s TV posts (Charles Nelson Reilly) or how I wanna be Kendall when I grow up. But enough of my friends listen to Wilco, so I can come here and then go to a bar and not sound like the music ingrate I really am. So I appreciate that to.

Blog on!

[Wendy]

Aw you know I love your blog whether you write about stars of the 60s or Wilco - I've been reading you since you were 'Andy Hardy' - remember that? Keep on rockin in the free world, Danny...

[tamarika]

This post perfectly taps into all my conflicted feelings about blogging. Am so relieved lately that my family has lost interested in my blog. Now I can really be myself and not feel the pressure of all those watch-dogs waiting to pounce on my every word!

What I love about blogging is everything you say here - it's about me, about the world out there and mainly it's about self-expression in whatever form it takes.

[Suzanne]

I came across your blog one afternoon in the middle of an "I-wonder-whatever-happened-to-that-amazing-woman-who-wrote-about-becoming-an-autodidact" bout of procrastination. I keep reading it (and recommending it to friends) because it has great and frequently updated writing about things I find funny and interesting (my hometown of LA, the bizarre movie industry, old houses, music, trying to raise kids responsibly and creatively, etc.) Thanks for putting this blog out there-- it is always a joy to read (even when it gets caught in the vortex of obsessive Wilco fan comments.)

[tamar]

Excellent set of riffs on the sometimes craziness of blogging: stats checking, pointing non-blog-reading friends to check out my current post, obsessing about balancing long essays w short cute stuff, and so on. Thanks especially for posts on hollywood giants of yore and on your jewish neshama-soul. i have limited info on my canadian cousins beyond what i read/saw of duddy kravitz (the rogue), saul bellow's inventions (alas, an immigrant to the USA), and mordechai richler's and other writers' and crooks' tales.

So go read my current post, darn it!

[Paula]

I came to your blog from QC Report, which I found at Single Chicken Theory. I stayed because you are so articulate, have such a wide breath of interests and knowledge, and are kind of Forrest Gumplike in the connections you have made in your life that it is always fascinating, no matter the topic. I just happen to like 60's television and movies, the lives of old stars, ancestral knowledge, etc. I'm not Jewish, but my family is European, and I resonate to some of the chords you strike in writing about them.

I don't often post a comment because I feel like a voyeur to an elite club whenever I read your blog, just privileged and happy to lurk on the fringes. In truth, I'd love to be your next door neighbor. I heard about Wilco here first, and I'll listen to them next. I'm checking out Kendall's book at the library, and also her mother's.

It's an artistic, intellectual, family, and gossip (in a good way)feast here. What could be better?

[Elaine Soloway]

Hi Danny,

You do know that although I don't always leave a comment, I'm a faithful reader of your blog.

I concur on the usual blog angst: who cares? But I do it anyway and am amazed when I get responses from readers. Even a handful makes it worthwhile.

Don't doubt that your faithful audience is always in your corner.

Much love,

[Heather]

Danny, For a long time, I didn't really like to comment on your posts about Wilco because I didn't want you to think that I only read your blog because I'm a Wilco fan. Granted, I'd never have known about you if it weren't for a long-ago post someone made on Via Chicago. But it actually kind of irritates me that you get so many more comments on your Wilco posts than the others; probably the same sort of proprietary feeling I have when I hear a Wilco song on the radio. It's like, I want the things I enjoy to be enjoyed by others, but I am suspicious of other people liking those things for the wrong reasons. It's dumb, I know -- I should probably be in therapy! All of your blog entries are fascinating, and my personal favorites are the ones about your childhood and family of origin. Your political posts get me riled up and your pop-culture posts make me curious about the old movies and stars I'd never have discovered on my own. I have recommended your blog to probably a dozen friends over the past couple of years, and that had nothing to do with Wilco. Even though I read you via Google reader now, I always try to remember to click through to the actual site so that you'll have the satisfaction of one more hit!

[Heidicrafts]

I found you because of Kendall.

I stayed because I like what you write about. The TV, the movies, the degrees of separation. The Jewish history is educational and real. I liked the reunion entries, too.

Entertaining and educational. That does it for me.

[Jen]

I first found you when you posted on VC, although I can't remember what you were commenting on. Your post must have been exceptionally witty, because it sent me to your blog.

You hooked me with your musings on pop culture, past and present, which I am admittedly obsessed with. You reeled me in when I saw your house on HGTV and realized that you share another obsession with me--the strong pull towards old things and the emotional attachment you feel for them. You made me a lifelong fan with some of your crazy-hysterical posts (although there have been many, 'Congrats, Hank and Annie!' was the pinnacle). I have you to thank for becoming an AMC junkie. Thanks to you, I've now seen Katherine Hepburn's 'Desk Set' 5 times. I love to get those small glimpses into your family history. I learn something new with virtually every post and I sing your praises to the masses.

What's really funny is that I've been a member of VC for years (I'm now even a moderator of the board), and I first learned of the '2007 VW Uprising' here, not there. The tides have turned.

And you had the same dinette set when you were a kid that I have now. So it was obviously fate that led me to you.

[Jen]

Oops....Kath-A-rine Hepburn. I hate it when I misspell things and can't fix them!

[JDG]

oh no. you write about things other than wilco?

just kidding.

if i were you i would blog about teriyaki chicken pizza and volcanoes.

[ADYO]

I was directed here by my sister to see Jeff Tweedy sporting a playdough moustache. Now, I read the blog on a regular basis. Bob Barker is enough for me to stay intrigued.

[david]

And if 19 adoring comments aren't enough to keep you going, well -- have a 20th.

[Fiona]

Danny,

I can't lie, I arrived here at your blog because of Wilco. But wait for this... these days I check in here way before I log into Via Chicago.

I love it and I love what you have to say about everything. Please don't stop.

[Larry]

Just to be a bit contrary (for a change), I came for the specific Peterson/Von Steuben/Hollywood Park reminiscences, stayed for the general 60s/70s reminiscences, and found (and like) Wilco despite my best efforts, a scant 6 months before my 50th birthday.

I have a nagging suspicion it's part of my quest for regaining my youth. Which is odd, considering I didn't enjoy it that much the first time around.

Or, it could be a government conspiracy.

[Whitney]

I know how you feel. When I was a bored teenager I used to run a personal website (now adandoned). Occasionally I'll still get comments in the old guestbook from various friends and family who stumbled upon it through a random google search. That tends to make me really nervous because I begin to think who else might be reading it, this is then followed by urger to go back and delete the whole thing.

I hope you never delete this blog because it is truly one the most interesting, well-written one I've ever come across. I got here by googling "Roald Dahl, Patricia Neal". I've been hooked ever since.

[Jeff]

I'll be honest, I'm a frequenter of the VC boards and only stumbled across this in passing. However your writing had kept me coming back, this particular entry hit home for me. More specifically your mention of your dysfunctional cycle. I almost feel as if that section of you entry was an explanation of myself (even if it was well beyond my powers of the english language). I felt as if I could see myself writing.

I guess I just wanted to you let you know that's even if your hits do spike with mentions of Wilco and Mr. Tweedy. You can feel comfortable in the fact that you are still affecting people such as myself and I'm sure many others. So thanks, and keep it up.

[neil fleischmann]

What a spot on line!:

"I’ve spent much of my life wanting to be noticed and wanting to be invisible at the same time."

Boy do I relate.

[Tammy]

your the coolest Jew I've never met! Rock on!Had it not been for JT I may have never discovered U.But, I stay for your cool and unusual, yet normal and steady, sometimes over my head..mind.Put your stuff on tape so I can listen to your mind over a campfire!

[Tammy]

oh, and sorry I am a year behind on this blog. I move slow.