Why Is It Called Good Friday?

I woke up in a foul mood this morning, as if I was experiencing the emotional residue of an unpleasant dream I couldn’t remember. Then I got into my car and it started overheating…again. I drive an old Honda Civic I bought the month before my 12-year-old daughter was born and I’m planning to drive it into the ground—having a new car is not a priority for me, especially right now. The problem is, I’ve been pouring money into keeping the car going over the past few years, most likely way more money than the car is actually worth. But each time I pay the repair bill, I convince myself that if I can just get it going for a while longer, it’s still a better decision that being burdened by big car payments. I realize this strategy has its limits. I know absolutely nothing about cars and my mechanic can’t look at it until tomorrow morning so my fear of the car breaking down is only adding to my current mood. Or is it the other way around?

I am a victim of what I call “garbage disposal syndrome,” a displaced anxiety that I first noticed eight years ago when my mother was dying of lung cancer. It was an extremely painful time, obviously, but I was relieved that I was managing to hold it together so well and be there for my mom and other family members. Then, one day when I was back in L.A. for a pit stop before returning to my mother’s bedside in Chicago, the garbage disposal in my apartment stopped working and thick, murky water filled my kitchen sink. I lost it. I wanted to move, take a sledgehammer to my apartment’s plumbing, and jump out the nearest window. I simply could not deal with the broken garbage disposal at that moment even though part of me knew it was an easy fix. As I tried to calm my hysteria, I eventually realized that it wasn’t about the garbage disposal at all. I am pretty skilled at avoiding difficult feelings and transferring them to whatever external event is happening at that time. So I realize that the fact that my car problems are sending me over the edge today has little, if anything, to do with my actual car. I’m feeling out of sorts for a variety of reasons, and I’m channeling that discomfort into the temperature gauge of my Honda Civic.

Right now I’m trying another survival technique I’ve developed over the years: “if you write about it, you’ll feel better.” It’s working, but unfortunately that one is often followed by the “oy, why am I such a narcissist and how embarrassing that I’m exposing myself in this way” syndrome.

I’m writing this from Farmer’s Market in L.A. where I’m trying to finish up a big editing job I’ve been working on for a book aimed at teachers of struggling writers. Is my reluctance to finish this project related to the dearth of work I have lined up once that gig is finished? Is my anxiety about my car really about my career and my future? A delayed reaction to the pain of watching Kendall’s uncle die last week? Contemplating that loss as well as my own mortality and the mortality of my loved ones? Worries about what school Leah will be going to next fall and how that will impact her future? I could go on with my list of current anxieties but it’ll probably just make me feel worse.

I know that all of my perceptions are directly affected by how in touch I am with my own feelings at any given moment. That may seem like a no-brainer to most people but it took me years of therapy to get that the events of my external reality are not “causing” my moods and reactions. Farmer’s Market is a fertile laboratory for my study of this phenomenon. I remember one recent encounter I had here with a guy talking very loudly on his cell phone in a Starbucks that left me in a murderous rage. I could feel my blood pressure rising to dangerous levels as I listened to this putz who clearly had no regard for anyone around him. But wait, was it really about the rude guy on the cell phone? Then how come other days when I’m here I could care less if people are involved in screaming matches over my head? Truly, there are times when I’m exposed to the worst examples of human behavior at Farmers Market and it doesn’t even register, I can only see the good in people, and then days when the littlest thing I overhear makes me want to pummel someone into the ground before checking myself into the loony bin. I’m rarely able to pinpoint WHY such things make me upset, but at least I now understand that the answers lie not in the outside world but in my own “stuff.”

I knew I was losing it this morning when I felt my irritation level rise every time I heard a cheerful “Happy Good Friday” from someone in the Farmers Market crowd. How is that an appropriate greeting for the most solemn day on the Christian calendar when Jesus was crucified on the cross? The French call it Holy Friday which makes a lot more sense, as do the Italians and the Spanish. The Germans call it something like Mourning Friday. In Slavic countries it’s Great Friday while the Scandinavians refer to it as Long Friday. The Chinese cut right to the chase and call it Jesus’ Crucifixion Day.

The historian in me always likes it when Easter and Passover overlap. I think there are many fascinating parallels between the two holidays even though my orthodox family members might not agree. Aren’t both holidays about various forms of personal and public liberation? I find the period from Good Friday to Easter the most interesting part of that holiday. I've mentioned how I've learned many of my Bible lessons from the movies and as far as Good Friday goes, I vastly prefer Scorsese’s “Last Temptation” to Mel Gibson’s “Passion.” Today's holiday is also making me think of last weekend and how our Uncle Thomas died on Friday followed by the miraculous birth of Kendall’s sister’s baby on Sunday. Death and rebirth, grief and joy, endings and beginnings all in one three-day period.

The fact that Good Friday falls on April 6th this year is interesting because some of the accounts I read today in which scholars overlay our current calendar onto the past claim that April 6th was the actual date of Jesus’ crucifixion. Even more surprising, some experts have also affixed April 6th (in the 6th century B.C.E.) as the actual date that Jesus Christ was born. There’s a lot of debate about this but most everyone agrees that his birth came some time in the spring, certainly not at the end of December. Did Jesus die on his birthday, just like Ingrid Bergman? In honor of Good Friday and the 4th day of Passover, I’ll refrain from making any sacrilegious comparisons between the two.

Another immediate sign of this kind of mood I'm in is a tendency to ramble, so let me just wish my Christian friends a contemplative Good Friday and a thoughtful Easter weekend while sending my fellow Jews a hearty chag sameach.

Comments

[churlita]

I hope you're feeling better today. One of my daughter's friends asked me, "If Jesus died today, why is that good?" Unfortunately for her, I am not the best person to talk to about christian beliefs.

[tamarika]

Well, Danny. You know that this type of introspection is my all time favorite! And it certainly sounds as if a lot has been and is happening in your life right now. So it makes sense that the car, market, cell-phone talker would feature prominently for you. My favorite movie of Jesus' resurrection is "The Last Temptation," too.

Chag Sameach to you and yours. Spring is so beautiful around Philadelphia that I feel festive just because tulips are out and the sun is shining. Never mind the deities, eh?

Happy Days ahead!

[david]

Did you mean Jesus' birthday may have been in the 6th year of the first century BCE?

My favorite Jesus movie is "Life of Brian."

Great, provocative post.

[Beverley Ogus]

I am here in Niagara on the lake with the Korolnek Ogus Rosenzweig families. We are cedlebrating Pesach together ande I am babysitting 3 fo my grandsons. I'm on the internet communicating with people I never seem to get around to. I have enjoye4d reading your aRTICLES. How are you all? All is well here , Thank God. How are Suzie and Bruce?
Take care and chag someach
Beverley

[Pearl]

Danny,

I do like how you use your blog as a sounding board/bullhorn/streamofconsciousness outlet. We each become your "hand-holder," your critic, your analyst...or simply your friend.

Chag Sameach. As I just "told" Neil Kramer on his blog... I've got some chicken soup and whole wheat matzah balls ready. Come and get 'em -- and then you can visit your Korolnek/Ogus/Rosenzweig family members. :)

[Helen]

It is called "Good Friday" because of the hope of resurrection.

Love your blog.

[Matt]

I have been known to suffer from "garbage disposal syndrome" at times, too. If it makes you feel any better, you being honest about it brings the feeling to life here and helps us all recognize the same tendencies in ourselves. I'm enjoying reading your blog!

[V-Grrrl]

Ah, Danny, thanks to this post, I finally understand why my good-natured and generally even-tempered husband gets so deeply irritated and offended by other drivers. He's very self-righteous about driving, takes people's rolling stops and failure to signal so PERSONALLY. I hate to be in the car with him and hear his running narrative of all the failures in the Moral Driving Universe. Now I get it--listening to his driving monologues is the price I pay for his patience at home.

I haven't celebrated Holy Week here in Belgium as I did in the U.S., where I went to all the weekly services offered by the Episcopal church and took that fateful journey to Jerusalem. When I've done that, I've felt the heaviness and uncertainty of Holy Saturday--the anxiety, the loss, the hopelessness. Then Easter--a relief, a miracle, HOPE renewed.

Wishing you HOPE as you navigate this unsettled time.

[Ian]

Hi Danny,
This post has given me some insight as to why I was so flip to the Indian tech support guy the other day. It wasn't my router at all, it was other built up anxieties. The bright side is that after I calmed down I got to chatting to the tech support guy and had an invitation to Bombay extended to me.

I'm sorry about your recent loss.

[Kate]

"Good Friday" is a translation issue--both in terms of how those words came to be used, and in terms of how we think of the word "good." And the origin day is good in terms of its outcome, even though the events themselves would not have seemed good at all. I believe that the Dutch also say "Good Friday," although of course they would say it in Dutch!

That said, "Happy Good Friday" is an odd thing to say.

[Julie Reich]

Danny,
How about "Fateful Friday"?

Also, re: your posting about Uncle Thomas' death, I found your description of Jun's son holding Thomas' hand very touching.

I hope to see you next week when we're in L.A.

Julie

[steppingoverthejunk]

OH MY GOSH!!!!! The Farmer's Market!!!! Is Bob's donuts still there? We used to drive from the Palisades with my grandfather and get donuts there, all the time...TELL ME IT IS STILL THERE!!

[steppingoverthejunk]

Oh my gosh, I googled it and it is still there. I can't believe it. IT STILL LOOKS THE SAME!

[shari]

Talk to me before you buy a new car - I've done a lot of research. Maybe you'll want to blog about it when you get to that point? You may get a lot of good info that way.
I realize it may seem like I missed the point of this post, but I didn't. Just zoning in on the practical part.