
Am I becoming completely humorless in my old age? Yesterday I was reading one of my favorite blogs and saw that the blogger had posted a picture of himself with a funny commentary about his future dating prospects. A few readers commented that his full head of hair will be a big plus for many women. I guess I was in a sensitive mood because I found myself wincing at every comment that implied a lack of hair would make him that much less desirable and so I added a defensive comment about bald-bashing. When I reread the comments later, I realized it was hardly the lynch mob I had imagined, it was just a few people commenting on his hair the way someone might say “nice eyes” after looking at a photograph.
When I wrote about the experience of being bald a year ago, I mentioned a reality show I had just seen in which a woman was being set up on a blind date. The host was telling her a few facts about the guy she was about to meet when she suddenly blurted out, with panic rising in her voice, “HE’S NOT BALD, IS HE?!” The host was quick to reassure her. “Oh no, of course not!” as if no one, not even the mean-spirited producers of a reality TV show, would be so cruel as to fix up this hot babe with a bald guy. I wondered at the time how that exchange would have played out if the woman had said, “He’s not Jewish, is he?!” with the same panic in her voice.
I think these messages about baldness are as prevalent in the media as the ones that are constantly telling girls and women that they are less than. The good guys and romantic leads in movies and on TV typically have thick manes of perfect hair, while the criminals and schlemiels are invariably balding. It is so insidious I think most of us don’t even see it anymore: full head of hair = trustworthy, kind, desirable stud; receding hairline = sleazy, pathetic losers. Aren’t there even studies that show how a bald man could never be elected president in this country? (Too bad Dick Cheney won’t be the Republican candidate next year!)
While I was surprised at my over-reaction to the implied comments about baldness, I still maintain that it is one of the few personal attributes that people can make disparaging comments about these days without appearing oafish. Or maybe it’s just the only one that I notice. I guess if I were extremely tall or short, I’d be more aware of all the stuff people say about those traits. And I can only imagine the daily earfuls that very fat people have to endure.
I’ve never tried to hide my baldness (which began in my early 20s) and have always laughed along with any comments made about it (while eagerly trying to change the subject). But I obviously still have some issues with being bald no matter how much I try to insist otherwise. I think the messages our culture sends out about balding men make me nuts because I am both victim and perpetrator—there’s a part of me that goes along with the disparaging views and believes that the bald guy cannot really be the object of desire in a movie or TV show or magazine ad (with the exception of Yul Brynner, Patrick Stewart, and few other famous baldies), but is only suited for villainy or comic relief.
I’m acutely aware that of all the pictures of myself that I’ve posted on this blog, over 95% of them are from my pre-bald days. That’s partly because I seem to constantly veer back to a 1970s time warp, but it’s also related to the fact that it remains difficult for me to look at pictures of myself bald even though I’ve been this way for a good 20 years. So here’s a picture of me in all my chrome-domed glory, just for the hell of it. Oy, forget the baldness, what's going on with that turkey neck?
I have to admit that when I’m in any group of men, I do notice hairlines and I am frequently quite envious of the guys who have “great hair.” It’s usually just a passing thought, not some obsession that has me fantasizing about waking up with the locks of a male model. Maybe if I own it, I can get past it once and for all, because I sure don’t find that lack of self-acceptance an appealing character trait and it’s definitely not one I want to pass on to my daughter as she moves into her teenage years.
As I said a year ago, my insecurities have nothing to do with my own relationships. Kendall has no issue with my lack of hair, and I can't believe I'm giving this topic energy when it is so unimportant in the bigger picture. If I were a reader of my own blog, I’d leave the following comment: “Who cares about your fucking hair? Jesus, don’t you have anything better to write about?”
Last year I referred to a group called the Bald-Headed Men of America and I mocked some of their Bald Pride activities. When I tried to look up such groups tonight, I came up with a site called “Bald R Us.” I read their “Transplant Terror Stories” and “Hairpiece Horror Stories,” especially the ones about the evil Hair Club for Men that made it sound like a dangerous cult. Many of the stories were quite sad and poignant, and I am grateful that I avoided falling into those traps. If I have one resolution for 2007, it is to accept myself for who I am, especially the parts of me that I cannot change even if I wanted to.
Besides, how could I ever feel bad about losing my hair when our fearless leader seems to have some kind of fetish for bald men?
Yikes, maybe it’s not too late for those transplants?
Bush probably thinks a genie comes out if he rubs hard enough.
Posted by: The Retropolitan | January 08, 2007 at 05:07 AM
What could be more virile than baldness? My grandfather started losing his hair in his late teens, and he was completely bald by the time I came along. Baldness just seems normal to me. I would never rule out the attractiveness of a man because he was bald. Don't let the haters get you down, Danny.
Posted by: Heather | January 08, 2007 at 05:33 AM
Bald men not attractive? Balderdash! Women love hyoomer, Danny, as you well know. It's not what's on a guy's head that counts, it's what's inside.....
Posted by: Donna Anton | January 08, 2007 at 08:16 AM
Danny, I think this post is showing you out of touch with today's fashion. No one makes bald jokes anymore. Remember the time we sat in the front row of the comedy club and not one comedian mentioned it! Call it the Michael Jordan influence. Bald is completely normal nowadays. Have you seen Howie Mandel lately? Just like Elvis stole from black culture, it was black men who made baldness sexy again. Rather than hiding their baldness with comb-over, men shave their head on purpose. I see more young guys with bald heads in Hollywood than I do on the geezers at Canter's Deli!
The new male insecurities are having flat abs, enough botox to hide your crow's feet, and -- of course, getting it up. But be proud of you head. One day, maybe George Bush will even kiss it. C'mon, you know you want him to.
(by the way, next time I see you, I'll show you my receding hairline to make you feel better. Like you, I had long hair during my youth and miss it more than any Love Boat reruns)
Posted by: Neil | January 08, 2007 at 11:54 AM
I love this picture of you. You look great!
Posted by: Shari | January 08, 2007 at 01:51 PM
I loves me my Tommy whose favorite quip is, "I had wavy hair, now it's waving me good-bye." On my blog I wrote about all of the people who tell him, "You look just like Rudy Guiliani." We both know what they're referring to. Well, Danny, if I can handle all of the pint-size/shrimp jokes, you can take the hair stuff. Personally, I think you're to swoon for.
Love,
Elaine
Posted by: Elaine Soloway | January 08, 2007 at 02:43 PM
Pshhht...bald guys less than? No way. Bald guys are hawt.
Posted by: Sista Smiff | January 08, 2007 at 05:43 PM
Yul Brenner has been a major crush of mine all my life. I couldn't care less about hair, and I can't imagine you being you with a full head of it, so please don't grow it. Now, if you could just tell me how to quit obsessing about being white as a bottle of Elmer's glue in a society that, no matter how rampant skin cancer may be, idolizes bronze skin (although Nicole Kidman has come a long way in helping me learn to accept how beautiful THAT can be), I'd appreciate it.
Posted by: Emily | January 08, 2007 at 06:18 PM
That's "Brynner," not "Brenner." Jeez!
Posted by: Emily | January 08, 2007 at 06:21 PM
You should know that I was well aware of your baldness when I made you my blog crush.
I'm just sayin...
Posted by: Brooke | January 08, 2007 at 06:40 PM
"Kendall has no issue with my lack of hair" -- Hold on there, Cowboy, you know I most certainly do have an issue with your lack of hair. I LOVE it! Every time I see that bald head of yours I have to immediately kiss it all over and nuzzle it between my... All right, I won't turn your blog into my personal pornography site, but I could not let that wan sentence of yours stand as describing my relationship with your head.
Posted by: Your Loving Wife | January 08, 2007 at 07:17 PM
C'mon, Danny. The top of your head might be a wee bit shiny, but it's just an indicator of the glittering treasure that lies below -- in your brain. And that, my friend, is a COMPLIMENT!!!
Posted by: Pearl | January 08, 2007 at 08:03 PM
If you'll remember, I left a comment on acertain blogger's site about how I'm normally attracted to bald men.If I'm out and I see a bald guy from across a room, I automatically think, "That guy's hot." I think it must be leftover from my huge crush on Yul Brynner when I was a kid. West World? Don't get me started.
My last comment about why I'm attracted to bald men is, it really brings out men's eyes. That's the first thing I noticed when I saw your picture to this post.
Posted by: churlita | January 08, 2007 at 08:42 PM
Danny,
Your photo here is fabulous!
Isn't it strange how these issues drive us crazy over and over again. Little wheel spin and spin ... and then again.
Posted by: tamarika | January 09, 2007 at 03:00 PM
I gotta agree, Danny, bald is definitely IN. In fact, I noticed a resemblance between you and J.K. Simmons from "the Closer" (only you're much more handsome!). :)
Posted by: Adriana Bliss | January 10, 2007 at 06:12 PM
Frankly Danny, I think a man who hits 40 with a full head of hair looks absurd. Check out the November 27, 2006 issue of People Magazine for a full page of their picks for the hottest looking bald men in Hollywood. Make ya feel better?
Posted by: Wendy | January 11, 2007 at 11:16 AM
I started losing hair at 22, and now, 14 years later, I am more or less half bald, with hair like Jack Nicholson in his heyday in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "The Shining." Yes, it sucks big time losing hair, especially when I am still single and trying to find a girl to settle down with. Here in Los Angeles, the Superficial Capital of the World, I have been rejected A LOT by women, many of whom have simply given me crap about my receding hairline. The funny, ironic thing is, that they are NOT 19 or 20 year old girls, but women my age, in their 30s and even THEY aren't exactly supermodels either. However, I try not to let it get me down and when I think of how superficial they must be to reject men for a variety of reasons they can't change (height, age, hairline, etc. etc.), then I actually feel sorry for them because I know they will still be single at 45, when their own looks have faded and they will have no personality to work with. My advice now to my other balding brethren is to not stress out so much. Sure, you can shave your head if you want, even though I feel that is a stock solution and it doesn't necessarily make you as hip or handsome as celebrities like Yul Brynner or Bruce Willis. And YES, if there was a magic pill that would give me back all of my hair, I would definitely take it. However, the older I get, I gradually care less and less. With 18 and 19 year old soldiers coming home from Iraq without arms and legs, I feel very superficial about even giving this any more thought.
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Posted by: i_c_a_n_h_e_l_p | March 27, 2007 at 01:22 PM