Grauman’s Chinese Theatre Capsizes!

I woke up today with a hideous rash covering most of my body. I don’t know why. Is it from the river walking we were doing in the hill country of Texas this past weekend? The drugs I just finished taking for the periodontal surgery I had last week? A result of the many mosquito bites I got in the Lone Star State? Something I ate? Or am I now so sensitive that seeing an insanely bad movie gives me a case of the hives?

As soon as we returned from Texas, Kendall and I hightailed it to Hollywood to see “Poseidon” at the glorious Chinese Theatre. We didn’t have particularly high expectations for the remake of the cheesy 1972 disaster film, but we were anxious to see the modern-day equivalents of the iconic characters that included Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, Red Buttons, Stella Stevens, Roddy McDowell, and especially Shelley Winters. Who would have ever guessed that the new film would be so ghastly that it would make the original “Poseidon Adventure” seem like a high point of American cinema?

I was 12 years old when I saw “The Poseidon Adventure” at the Lincoln Village Theatre in Chicago and I loved every second of it. The film was the first in a long line of Irwin Allen-produced disaster epics. None would surpass “The Poseidon Adventure” in fun or glory but they all featured incredible casts that were the stuff that PR men dream of. Allen’s “The Towering Inferno,” for example, starred Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Jennifer Jones, William Holden, Faye Dunaway, and Fred Astaire, who, believe it or not, received his only Oscar nomination for this absurdity. Oh, another standout in the cast was a young football player by the name of O.J. Simpson. Oy. One of the low points of Allen’s disaster oeuvre was 1978’s “The Swarm” about a killer bee infestation in the United States. But he was still able to attract stars such as Michael Caine, Henry Fonda, Olivia de Havilland, Fred MacMurray, Patty Duke, Richard Widmark, and Jose Ferrer. What in God’s name were these mega-stars doing in that piece of crap? Mercifully, as the 1970s drew to a close, Allen provided the final death knell to his disaster flicks with the unwatchable sequel “Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.” In addition to putting an end to a genre, this film came close to putting an end to Sally Field’s newly revitalized career. She deeply regretted following her Oscar-winning performance in “Norma Rae” with this garbage, but she had already signed to do the film.

But back in 1972 we didn’t know how low these films would go, we just delighted in the motley group of characters on the S.S. Poseidon and held our breath along with Shelley Winters’ nice Jewish grandma Belle Rosen as she saved the day and ultimately gave her life for her fellow passengers (and a Golden Globe Award). Despite the creaky script, the New Years Eve set-up of the characters is far more satisfying than the 2006 version. By the time the tidal wave strikes the ocean liner we care deeply about every single one of the characters who will join Reverend Gene Hackman on his perilous quest upwards to what was once the bottom of the ship. We have Carol Lynley’s performance of “The Morning After” ringing in our ears as we root for her and saucy Stella Stevens and the brother/sister team of Dynasty’s Pamela Sue Martin and Eric Shea (sounding just like his brother Christopher Shea, the voice of Linus in the Charlie Brown specials). The original film was directed by Ronald Neame (who is still kicking at the age of 95). Neame directed classics like “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie” and “The Odessa File,” produced many of David Lean’s early movies including “Brief Encounter” and “Great Expectations,” and was the brilliant cinematographer on many great British films such as “This Happy Breed” and “Blithe Spirit.”

Not that “Poseidon’s” director is a slouch. You have to wonder if the producers chose German director Wolfgang Peterson because of his proven experience with big films involving lots of water. Peterson first gained fame as the director of the 1981 film “Das Boot” about life in a claustrophobic German submarine during World War II. The film was so popular that a dubbed version was released in this country (Americans are too stupid to read subtitles, right?) and the film achieved great success despite the criticism it received for showing World War II Germans in a sympathetic light. More recently, Peterson directed “The Perfect Storm” about a killer storm in the North Atlantic that affects the lives of a fishing community in Massachusetts. I remember caring very much about whether George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg would survive that deadly storm. Then why didn’t I give a flying f*ck about the perils faced by the passengers of “Poseidon?”

[NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD—or shall we call them Public Service Announcements designed to save you 11 bucks?] Every suspenseful or emotionally engaging aspect of the original film is squandered in this painfully bad remake. Oh sure, the computer renditions of the ship capsizing are visually stunning (the cause of the disaster is now a “rogue wave”—I guess “tidal wave” is too retro and “tsunami” too recent for comfort), but for films that usually go overboard (pardon the pun) in pre-disaster exposition, this film could use a much healthier dose of it. Maybe the computer effects were so costly that the producers demanded we see the wave and the upside-down ballroom as early as possible.

I looked forward to seeing who would replace Carol Lynley’s nightclub performer and was happy to see Black-Eyed Peas singer Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson (not that I’d ever heard of her before) in this role. Looking like a cross between Charo and Kirstie Alley, I couldn’t wait to see her try to make it up the elevator shafts in her beaded diva ensemble even though there would clearly be no morning after for her boring song “I Won’t Let You Fall” (which might as well have been called “I Want to Win the Oscar for Best Song”). So imagine my surprise when the delightfully campy Fergie doesn’t even try to go off with the other survivors but simply grabs onto the ship’s sappy captain played by a painfully underused Andre Braugher. Bye-bye, Fergie.

That speaks to one of the biggest mistakes in the new film. In the original, Gene Hackman begs the many survivors in the ballroom to follow his ragtag group up to possible rescue. Of course most of the people refuse, leaving our 10 stars to go it by themselves. When another explosion starts filling up the ballroom with ocean water, the panicked extras realize they made a horrible mistake and they fall all over each other trying to escape. It is horrifying, gruesome, and oh so fun. In the remake, no attempt is made by he-men Kurt Russell or Josh Lucas to save the rest of the passengers. In fact, Lucas makes it clear that he’d prefer to go it alone. At least Kurt Russell works his ass off to find and save daughter Emmy Rossum and her Ryan Phillipe-wannabe fiancé. The rest of the group is pretty much there by accident. Jacinda Barrett’s nondescript character made me long for Pamela Sue Martin. In what must have been an inside joke to Pamela Sue’s absence, her “Dynasy” brother, Gordon Thomson, makes a brief pre-wave appearance as one of Richard Dreyfuss’s gay friends, a character we don’t even see again once the wave hits. Eric Shea’s wonderful little boy is now played by Jimmy Bennett. I don’t want to speak ill of this 10-year-old actor who already has an impressive list of credits, but let’s just say I wouldn’t have minded if he had traded places with the doomed Fergie. Because there is such a disconnect between our little group of adventurers and the people left in the ballroom, it hardly even registers when we see that huge group meet their maker when the windows of the ballroom burst from the pressure of the rising water. Hundreds of people drowning to death. Ho-hum. I think I was more alarmed at that moment by the piece of popcorn that had wedged under one of the stitches on my gums.

One of the more disturbing aspects of “Poseidon” is its “Survival of the Whitest” ethic. I never thought such a film would have more of a Nazi sensibility than Peterson’s own “Das Boot” which was about German officers during World War II. First of all, despite the boring African-American captain who goes down with his ship (at least he gets to hug Fergie while drowning), there is a true caste system evident on this boat with all crew positions played by black and Latino extras and the passengers played by a mostly white crowd. Even if this is a generally accurate depiction of some cruise lines, you’d think they’d make an attempt to show more diverse groups on both sides. Freddy Rodriguez makes a welcome appearance in the film as a lowly crew member. I couldn’t help but think of his death scene on the last episode of “Six Feet Under.” It took place on a cruise ship that looked remarkably like this one—perhaps it was shot during the making of this bomb? I thought Rodriguez, the only crew member to join the small group of potential survivors, was in it for the long haul, but his death comes surprisingly early and is unbelievably cruel. Once gone, he is never referred to again even though his Latina friend, played by Mia Maestro, later joins the group. We saw earlier that Rodriguez had helped Maestro’s character stow away on the ship—she couldn’t afford the fare and needed to go see her dying brother. Surely she will survive and make an appearance at her poor sibling’s bedside, no? Don’t count on it. Does this reflect our country’s current immigration debate? Illegal aliens must die? At one point I leaned over to Kendall and whispered, “For God sakes, WHEN are they going to start killing some white people??”

Oh what’s the point of going on? Suffice it to say that this big-budget film allowed critics all over the country to drag out every water-based cliché that they could think of. And I quote:

“Poseidon sinks!”
“The whole movie is as shallow as the puddle left on a flat roof by a 20-minute shower.”
“It nearly drowns under the weight of its own soggy tedium.”
“Exhausting and waterlogged...No big splash here.”
“If a ship flips over and it's full of people that nobody cares about, does it matter if anyone makes it out alive?”
“Stay home, take a bath with a toy boat, and create your own waves instead.”
“It's a ship. It sinks. People die. Sound familiar?”
“Titanic without the metaphors, the class-consciousness, the love story, or anything resembling a theme, Poseidon invests so little in its screenplay that it might as well be an episode of The Love Boat gone horribly awry.”
“I cheered for the water.”

At least the producers had the good sense to invite some of the stars of the original film to the premiere last week. Here is Carol Lynley (64), Red Buttons (87), and Pamela Sue Martin (54). The three tried to be kind to their hosts in their interviews but they could hardly contain their true opinions of the new film. Red Buttons, who Kendall once spent time with on a cruise ship (!), thought that “the special effects were spectacular, but our film had more involvement with the people.” I’ll say. Carol Lynley felt that the special effects were simply overdone. Pamela Sue Martin told Emmy Rossum that her character reminded her of her old one but that Rossum didn’t have as much corny dialogue. A weary Rossum countered, “We didn’t have any dialogue!” When asked at the premiere why she was using a cane, Carol Lynley replied, "Too much sex." You go, girl.

The only redeeming part of the evening was having another opportunity to appreciate what is arguably the most magnificent movie theatre in the world. Approaching 80, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre is looking mahvelous and still showing movies the way they ought to be seen (even when they’re so bad they shouldn’t be seen at all!). I guess it was a bad sign that there were only about 20 people at our screening (the theatre holds over 2,000). I waited for Kendall on the famous forecourt and gazed at some of the footprints. Norma Talmadge’s were the first. I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on Hollywood in the 1920s. Going through old copies of the “Los Angeles Times,” I found dozens of articles about the Chinese Theatre including one from 1926 that tells how Chinese actress Anna May Wong was going to hand a special shovel to Norma Talmadge at a ceremony the following day so that she could turn the first earth for the construction of the movie palace, built on the site of actor Francis X. Bushman’s former home. “Batteries of searchlights and kliegs will play upon the gaily decorated site. Tea will be served by Chinese girls.” Thanks to a recent renovation, both the interior and exterior of the theatre look remarkably like they did when it first opened.

I didn’t realize how seriously Sid Grauman took his Chinese theme until I read these articles from the 1920s. He was constantly bringing over artists, architects, and dignitaries from China to help with the planning and once the theatre opened he frequently featured Chinese performers in the pre-movie stage shows. All of the usherettes in the theatre were supposedly Chinese but from the looks of this 1927 photo some of them were probably Hollywood-style Chinese (a little tape around the eyes). Reading about the lavish openings at the Chinese and the hoopla that surrounded virtually every film that premiered there in its early days, I only wish I could be sitting in the theatre with the likes of Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, D. W. Griffith, and Cecil B. DeMille, whose film “King of Kings” was the first to play there.

Oh my God, I just looked at the date of the theatre’s Grand Opening. It was…TODAY, May 18th! Sometimes I scare myself! Reading the list of attendees on opening night is truly of Who’s Who of early Hollywood.

I can imagine a 23-year-old Joan Crawford sitting in my fourth row seat on this May 18th evening so long ago. Joan had already made 18 movies but would become a sensation the following year after her performance as Jazz Age baby Diana Medford in “Our Dancing Daughters” and would soon place her feet and handprints in Grauman’s forecourt. Crawford would attend dozens of film premieres at the Chinese Theatre and had she been at this screening of “Poseidon” I’m sure she would have pronounced the following verdict in her distinctive voice: “It stinks!”

With the saltwater stench of “Poseidon” still burning my nostrils, I am horrified to see that my rash is getting worse and starting to itch like crazy. Oh crap. Does this have anything to do with the fact that I just read the early reviews of “The Da Vinci Code?”

Comments

[Karen]

Forget Ebert! I want a review that includes a thorough description of the film, the venue, and the reviewer's bodily conditions at the time of viewing AND at the time of writing the review! Now THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!

[Neil]

I just brought a vistitor to the Chinese Theater and she had a good question -- what happens when they run out of space? Even though the chain is owned by Mann's -- I think the city should put some money into sprucing the place up a little more. It still is a major LA attraction. And stop putting less-than-stellar stars there -- Steven Seagal?

Feel better, Danny.

Of all people who I would think would NEVER
go see "Poseidon...." (how good could it be with Shelly Winters anyway?)

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

Well, this was very interesting. I actually probably won't see this movie till it comes on those commercial free cable movie stations...(Which could be sooner than later according to your review Danny...lol) if I see it at all...it truly does not interest me even as a curiosity...
In all honesty I thought the first one was pretty rank...and at the time it came out the big attraction was all the stars that were in it...
I love that you really did such a thorough review of the current updated version that maybe I don't feel bad about having no real interest in it!

LOVE Grauman's Chinese...always have and always will.

[jackt]

This summer movie season seemed promising but is rapidly sinking.

[david]

You're a master at this: winding personal trauma, cinematic and architectural history, and a chronicle of cultural decline into a single post. Bravo.

Now go get some Benadryl.

[Vicki Forman]

I'm with David. Grab a benadryl. You've earned it!

[Danny]

Thanks, David and Vicki--I used Caladryl and my rash has finally disappeared, at least until my next cinematic disappointment.

Neil, they're a long way from running out of space in the Chinese Theatre forecourt. But as far as I'm concerned they should put a moratorium on that—I agree that seeing the likes of Stevan Seagal there makes me want to rent a jackhammer and commit a misdemeanor. I was horrified to see that butting up against Norma Talmadge's footprints is the upside-down badly executed footprints of Samuel L. Jackson. I have nothing against that actor but there needs to be more rhyme and reason to that placement.

"Poseidon" is already a distant memory but for the life of me I cannot get the words to that original theme song out of my head. Maureen McGovern recorded it that year and it was an enormous hit, and I have to admit it captured the feel of the movie a thousand times better than those dumb songs in the new film.

Never reluctant to share my self-torture, I would like all readers who saw the original "Poseidon Adventure" to sing along with me:

There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on through the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
Let's keep on looking for the light.

Oh can't you see the morning after?
It's waiting right outside the storm
Why don't we cross the bridge together
And find a place that's safe and warm?

It's not too late
We should be giving
Only with love can we climb
It's not too late
Not while we're living
Let's put our hands out in time.

There's got to be a morning after
We're moving closer to the shore
I know we'll be there by tomorrow
And we'll escape the darkness
We won't be searching anymore!

[Jim C Faust Jr]

This movie rocked! You gotta see it in 3d! Jimmy Bennett saves the day again, as he did in Hostage. Bruce willis just helped, but he got all the credit. The rest of yhe cast is boring as a still lake. At least Jimmy was funny. Like when he tried to trade the PSP for the poker chips. That was classic!