It’s been weeks since I wrote an anti-Christmas diatribe, what’s the matter with me? Has my heart enlarged inside my body like at the end of “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas?” Nah.
This morning Leah and I were listening to Christmas Carols on the radio when the DJ invited children to call in to talk to the “real” Santa Claus. They had some guy talking through an echo machine posing at the Old Man and telling the amazed kids all sorts of specific details about their lives and how good they’ve been (their parents had obviously called in first and then handed the phone to the little tots). The kids bought this sham hook, line, and sinker but I found the whole thing terribly creepy. Santa seemed like some aging pedophile who knew way too much about little Billy’s activities in school that week. Ick. Step away from the children, Mr. Kringle. Is it possible to take out a restraining order against Jolly St. Nick?
The “gimme gimme gimme” tone in the kids’ voices was nauseating and the goods the kids were requesting were increasing in value by the second. One kid named Brian made it clear that he wanted a new computer “with a very good printer.” As opposed to all those boys and girls who want a computer with a bad printer? Of course Santa pronounced all the children good as gold and promised that everything they wanted would be under their tree Sunday morning. I wonder if some of their parents were listening to the broadcast in the next room frantically going through their credit cards to find one that wasn’t maxed out.
In all seriousness, what good does Santa Claus do? Is there any value whatsoever in keeping up this cruel charade? Most small children are terrified of this guy the first time we force them to sit on his lap (what kind of lesson is that teaching them?) until we train them to ignore their instincts and develop an unhealthy dependency on the stranger. As a Jewish little boy I never went through a phase where I believed in Santa Claus but I stood by helpless as one Christian friend after another was devastated to learn that he wasn’t real. The whole Santa Claus mythology seems like a mean trick to play on young children. Here are my biggest beefs:
1. The connection between “being good” and getting a big haul from Santa sets up such an extrinsic motivation for kids that it probably takes the Santa Believers years to develop any sense of their own goodness for goodness sake. These are the kids who get no personal satisfaction from being kind to others but only adopt a fake sweetness for as long as it takes to rake in the loot. Furthermore, they quickly learn that being “bad” rarely carries with it the threatened penalty of less gifts so even the questionable benefits of this behavior modification technique are short-lived.
2. The magical concept of all these gifts just appearing under the tree on Christmas morning wreaks havoc on any parent’s desire to instill an understanding of economics in the minds of their children. Most kids who see their parents withdraw funds from the ATM machine believe that this is “free money” that just comes whenever you press a button. It is never too early to help children understand the relationship between money and work and supply and demand and to help them appreciate the concept of helping those less fortunate than themselves. The Santa Claus ruse sets all that important learning on its ear.
3. The notion of Santa traveling the world on his sleigh distributing toys to all the good boys and girls sends a disheartening message to children whose parents are struggling to make it. If Sally’s friend Irma got everything she asked for but Sally’s out-of-work mother could only afford an inexpensive picture book wrapped in newspaper, then Sally must be less worthy than Irma, right? I guess Sally was a bad girl this year, what else is she to think? Oh well, fuck it—maybe she won’t even try to be good next year, what’s the point?
4. So many parents scrimp and save and go into massive debt to get their children everything they want for Christmas (already a dangerous practice) and then Santa takes credit for it all. As far as young Timmy is concerned, Grandpa, Aunt Rose, and even the neighbors down the street all picked out nice gifts for him but his parents gave him zilch. “I guess they don’t love me after all,” he thinks. “Maybe I should run away to the North Pole where I could be appreciated.”
5. Santa Claus is yet another powerful white male who has control over these kids’ lives. Shave off his beard and moustache and you’ll find a strong resemblance to Dick Cheney. Is that what these kids need?
Our Santa Claus had his origins in the 4th century bishop Saint Nicholas who lived in what is now modern-day Turkey. Saint Nicholas, who had a reputation for secret gift-giving, became Sinterklaas in the Netherlands which then turned into our Santa Claus. But did you know that Saint Nicholas is also the patron saint of laywers, prisoners, pawnbrokers, and prostitutes? No wonder he still operates an Arctic slave labor camp.
Say what you will, there’s no way I’ll ever allow any child or grandchild of mine to buy into this mass hypnosis. What would be next, an early introduction to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion? Why don’t we just send them to Hollywood Boulevard and let the Scientologists have at it. Is there really much difference between the Santa craziness and L. Ron Hubbard? I think the whole Santa fiasco is a travesty we inflict on the young simply because we don’t stop and think about it. On the other hand, I think the birthday boy himself is a fantastic role model for kids. Get rid of Santa and bring back Jesus—that is this Jew’s motto. And don’t point your finger at me when you see me crying over “Miracle on 34th Street”—that’s just a movie! I’m serious about this, I think Santa Claus should be abolished. If anyone can convince me that Santa helps to instill the true spirit of Christmas in the hearts of young children, then I will have a Scrooge-like conversion and don the red suit myself.
Danny, this had me laughing out loud (I hope that was your intention!). I think the strangest custom around Santa Claus is parents actually lining up at the mall to put their precious child on the lap of some fat, probably broke or drunk complete stranger simply to get a picture with this guy who the child will ask for a particular gift that he/she probably won't get anyway.(that was a long sentence, i'm out of breath)
Posted by: cruisin-mom | December 21, 2005 at 09:48 AM
Well, now that Coca-Cola is going with polar bears and penguins, I'm with you. Down with Santa.
Also, you're the only person I have ever heard (or read) use the word "extrinsic." Ever. I never even thought about it before. I'm only taking it on your good reputation that it is actually a word. It reminded me of the time when I realized I'd never said "malevolent" aloud.
Posted by: The Retropolitan | December 21, 2005 at 10:22 AM
You're mean.
Love,
your sister
Posted by: your sister | December 21, 2005 at 12:13 PM
I hope Santa Googles your blog and sends all your stuff my way ('cept any Andy Hardy posters: you can keep those).
Santa 4TW!
Posted by: Scott | December 21, 2005 at 04:48 PM
Everyone I know is turning on me because of this curmudgeonly post—especially my JEWISH family members who shouldn't be so devoted to Mr. Claus and his minions. My sister thought it reprehensible that I was implying that Santa was a pedophile. Sorry, Santa, it's just the idea of forcing our children onto the laps of countless strange men in department stores that made me worry about the thoroughness of the background checks. I'm sure most of them are upstanding citizens. Here they're all out-of-work actors who are thrilled that for once they don't have to worry about their extra weight. Is it so wrong to prefer Jesus to Santa? Where are the fundamentalists when I need them?
Posted by: Danny | December 21, 2005 at 05:29 PM
When I was growing up, we had stockings from Santa, but the rest of the presents came from our parents. My mother is from Estonia so the Santa hype was new to her when she came over here. When she had kids, she decided that Santa wasn't going to get all the credit for the presents she worked hard to get!
So, for us, it wasn't a big deal to find out the truth about Santa. We've continued the same way with our children, to the chagrin of the in-laws who thought we were "taking all the magic out of Christmas" (they're devout Catholics so I always thought this was a bizarre attitude).
My kids are all on the shy side, and only once did any of them ever sit on Santa's lap. We passed by Santa at the mall yesterday, and I didn't even bother to ask my six year old.
Posted by: MLight | December 21, 2005 at 07:09 PM
I believed in Santa until I was 10 (although my friends had tried to show me the truth) because I knew there was NO WAY IN HELL my parents would buy me that many presents. So there's an anecdote to illustrate your reason #4! I love the part about Dick Cheney being under the beard. Yikes! If I still had any love for Santa, that's all gone now. Talk about nightmares before Christmas.
Posted by: Heather | December 22, 2005 at 04:41 AM
Nightmares before Christmas! I loved that line from Heather. Yes indeed, Cheney, pedophile ... you "named" it! And you had me ROFL.
In fact, the point that gets me the most is this giving "stuff" to only the good children. I hate that so much. Ever since I arrived in USA 18 years ago I shudder each time I hear people saying that to children.
It seems that adults just love tricking and teasing little children with all sorts of fabricated rubbish! What bullies! Pick on someone your own size! There is enough mystery in life without our making it up for goodness sakes!
Oh dear ... now you've got me going ...
Posted by: Tamar | December 22, 2005 at 04:50 AM
yes i think it is all crazy!
it should be called the spending season
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
what are we teaching our children!
too much stuff!
stay out of the mall! stay home and
make cookies and duct tape wallets!!!!
....danny, i think you would look great in the suit!
heehee
xoox
m
Posted by: michelle | December 23, 2005 at 04:02 PM
OY...In my opinion, Santa is just a reason for commericalisation of Christmas and for overspending. This Jew agrees: Bring back Jesus! We hear him talked about all the time...may as well actually have a holiday for him. And anyway...did the word 'holiday' come from the phrase 'holy day'? There's nothing holy about Tickle-Me Elmo and X-Box 360.
Some of my Jewish friends complain that Hanukah isn't promoted enough at the stores and the like and that it's overshadowed by Christmas. Maybe it's just the elitist hipster in me, but I'm happy it's that way. I'm comfortable hiding in the dark with my little holiday without the entire world trying to take it and make it something it shouldn't be.
*sigh* I think I need some eggnog...maybe that'll get me through the season.
Posted by: Rosie | December 24, 2005 at 06:09 PM
Oh, man, do I totally agree with you on this one. I wish my parents had never led me to believe in this so obviously fictional character.
I work in retail and, even tho it's not even Halloween yet (!), Christmas merchandise has already taken over the seasonal department. (And they have already heard my words about having to listen to Christmas music for two months until the holiday season even starts! Makes me wonder if they are secretly trying to make us hate Christmas.)
Every day I look at some of the merchandise we carry, most of it gaudy, and gag at the commercialization of one of my favorite holidays. The meaning of it seems to have been totally lost. And I'm not just talking about the Christian aspect (that's a whole other opinion that I may share with you later), I am also referring to the ORIGINAL pagan tradition.
I've found myself wondering recently how the original Santa Claus, over the years, turned into this red suit-wearing, fat, "jolly", reindeer-whipping, elfslave-driving child-stalker that we worship today. And can you tell me how his big belly could fit down a chimney? Really how scary is that anyway, that this lunatic breaks into your house once a year, eats your food, and leaves charcoal in the stockings that you hung on the fireplace to dry?
No, my children are going to learn about the REAL St. Nick, who lived in the Netherlands (is that right?) and made toys for the local children. No reindeer, no elves, no north pole, and no red suit!
I find the traditional Santa much more interesting anyway. Every year, our local mall puts on a display of different depictions of Santa throughout history and from a variety of different countries, including one I call "The Black Santa", not because of his skin tone but because of the garb he wore. He looked rather sinister actually and I don't think I'd want to accept his toys if I were a child.
But, anyway, enough of my babbling. A Mappy HalloChristmas to you! (The merging of holidays in our store right now is confusing my brain...)
Posted by: Rebekah | October 27, 2007 at 05:48 PM
The idea of a "Santa" has enabled parents to give their children gifts on one day of the year with less chance of it spoiling them. It removes the parents from the picture, in the child's mind at least, so that the sudden abundance does not inflate the child's ego. The child does not believe he has the parent wrapped around his finger. Parents also, in the old days at least, could say no to a child's requests all year long, telling the child to ask Santa. In times of plenty and comfort this effect is thrown out as parents indulge their kids all year and the children lose all humility. This though was the situation with the Jewish kids when I grew up. They were the spoiled ones who had everything. Their parents spoiled them to "buy" their kids love, especially the jewish mothers. They gave their children things, but they did so only to get something in return and many jews grew up twisted by this pulling, cloying kind of love. When "Santa" gives, the children aren't obligated to him, they are obligated to be good to other people throughout the year. Sorry you have a problem with that. Do you think it's just a coincidence that almost all the crooks on Wall Street are jewish? In a country where they make up only 3% of the population?! Do you think having a holiday which celebrates a historical event where the jews were able to keep, by trickery, tax revenues they had squeezed out of several provinces of non jews-Hannukah- is a beautiful thing?
Posted by: ahksehl | December 15, 2008 at 09:09 AM
I love SANTA and I always kid my kind of jewish husband (JINO) Jew In Name Only how
funny it is to watch some Jews during the Xmas season. They are always so defensive about Santa. They are always trying to drag him down. They are always trying to make him into something that he is not. I have seen hundreds of children happily and joyfully sit on Santa's lap. I am a preschool teacher and over the years have seen hundreds of kids willingly sit on the lap of Santa. I have even seen a Rabbi's daughter sit on the lap of Santa. Like the Rabbi said-Why not its not like our child is not going to be a fully grounded and secure Jew by a few minutes on Santa's lap.
I wish their were more people take this wonderful Rabbi's lead on the issue of Santa. I loved her potato pancakes she shared with the class, I loved the dumplings my Chinese mothers would make for the class and the shiny red envelopes they gave each preschooler on Chinese New Year. I loved the sidewalk chalk our Indian mothers gave the kids on one of their high holidays and yes I love the big fat man in the red suit. I believe in incorporating and finding love for all traditions and not trying to diminish The Christian ones. Gasp-most Americans still identify themselves with Christianity.
Posted by: juliane grosman | July 26, 2009 at 03:27 PM
Santa, schmanta. He is just another excuse for spoiling kids and driving parents crazy. I never believed in the present giving fatso and my kids have always known that Santa is a story for the goyish kids.
Posted by: marjorie | December 12, 2014 at 12:08 AM