Eleven

Today is my daughter’s 11th birthday. We all went to Color Me Mine, a place where you hand paint different ceramic items and then they glaze and fire them up for you, creating original pieces of art. Each of us decorated a plate for Leah. There we were: me, Kendall, Leah, my ex-wife Sophie, her husband Mark, Mark’s daughter Sarah, and a friend of Leah’s from her theatre group. We had a great time and it was heaven for Leah to have us all together, but did you ever notice how much you can learn about people by doing an art project together, even when you’re all working on individual pieces? I wish I could include a RealAudio file of the twists and turns in the conversation. It was all about the art work, of course…OR WAS IT? Maybe I should just take all seven plates to my next therapy session for analysis.

Sophie and I have certainly had our share of rocky periods following our divorce when Leah was three but I’m very proud of the work we’ve done to improve our communication and provide Leah with a stable foundation in which she knows she is loved by all of the adults in her life. It’s hard to believe that eleven years have passed since that night she was born at Cedars-Sinai after an hour and a half of labor. I’ll never forget a second of that delivery, as Leah’s head emerged with her eyes open, looking around at this new world, her long red hair flowing, even before the rest of her body came out!

I remember my 11th birthday quite well even though most of my childhood is lost to vague, ever-changing, and undatable glimpses. But September 4, 1970 is different because much of it was recorded for posterity. A few days before my 11th birthday my father, always the technology pioneer, had purchased a reel-to-reel video recording system. Although it was called “portable,” the recording unit was the size and weight of a small freezer. The large, bulky tapes were 30 minutes long and cost about $40 each. A breadloaf-sized camera was connected to the machine by heavy cables and my family, marveling at the novelty of seeing ourselves on the small Sony black-and-white monitor, couldn’t get enough. I had just received a new watch for my birthday and throughout the day you can see me announcing with great solemnity, “I am now 11 years old, six hours, and twenty-two minutes.” I can’t believe that this little boy is the same age as Leah is today. At 11, she seems SO much more sophisticated, intelligent, well balanced, and self-aware than little Danny staring at his watch and trying to think of something to say for the camera. One of the reasons I’ve never forgotten this tape is because of what I later learned was happening in the background. My parents were poised on the edge of their violent divorce and all the signs are there for the taking. My mother is noticeably absent from the proceedings at first, and when she finally does walk in the door, she is caught off guard by the camera zooming in on her pained expression. At this stage the repartee between my parents takes the form of pointed jokes about fidelity and lawyers, each remark a little more shrill than the last, but all of them couched in nervous laughter and body language that is not hard to interpret. But through it all, I am oblivious, purposely lost in my own little world, often hanging upside down from the piano bench I’m sitting on or moving my feet in some kind of dance routine which I stare at in the monitor. “I am now 11 years old, nine hours, and thirty-six minutes…”

Oh, how grateful I am that Leah’s “broken home” is not so much broken as it is expanded. For years after Sophie and I split up Leah used to draw little neighborhoods where she’d have us all living in houses next to each other. She’d carefully explain who lived where and how she’d be able to go from one house to the next on her own. She doesn’t do this anymore and has very strong relationships with her stepparents. All four of us contribute our own unique interests and gifts to her upbringing and while there are still moments where I feel guilty about the lost fantasy of the Andy Hardy-like family unit, I realize that this is more about my own childhood projections than the life experience of my daughter.

It’s an amazing time in Leah’s life, you can see that she’s in a true transition from childhood to adolescence, complete with shifting moods, growing pains, and constantly changing interests. Sometimes she’ll act and look like a young adult and the next minute she’ll be very much the little girl. It’s a continual process for me to accept those changes and realize that I need to do some things differently now that Leah is growing up. I am maneuvering myself through the daily grief of losing my little girl and the joy and wonder of getting to know the person she’s becoming. No one wants to read how great anyone thinks their kid is, so I’ll just say how incredibly lucky I feel to have such a caring, creative, and loving person in my life. I can’t even begin to calculate what she’s taught me during these 11 years or describe the enormous love I feel that grows by the day.

Happy Birthday Leah!

Comments

[Tamar]

"... 'broken home' is not so much broken as it is expanded," and
"while there are still moments where I feel guilty about the lost fantasy of the Andy Hardy-like family unit, I realize that this is more about my own childhood projections than the life experience of my daughter."

I love what you say in those two statements above, Danny. Both of them made my brain start whirring immediately. Beautifully put!

How lucky Leah is to have such a caring, loving parent as you, who works so hard to create that expanding family with so much love through all the moments of discomfort and pain.

Leah looks marvellous! Happy Birthday Leah!

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

Happy Birthday, Leah!

[Pearl]

Happy Birthday to Leah.

Wonderful idea of going en masse to the ceramic place and making "impressionable" gifts for your daughter.

I LOVE the top right-hand picture in which Leah looks like a misplaced "Midwest farmer's daughter."

[Danny]

But she is a midwest farmer's daughter. Midwest Poland that is...

[OldOldOldLady Of The Hills]

What a wonderful post, Danny...It's terrific that you and Sophie have tried to repair the "broken" home syndrome as much as possible, given that you two are not that family unit anymore...And that Leah has step-parents that have true meaning in her life...Lovely to read about...You are a wonderful father Danny and I love reading about the love YOU have for your very dear daughter..I wish Leah a Very Very Happy Birthday...!

That ceramic place sounds fantasic! What a WONDERFUL idea!!!

[Randi(cruisin-mom)]

Danny, I'll just say...she's so lucky to have a dad who loves her as much as you do. She is beautiful on the outside, but sounds like she has an inside to match.

[Sanora]

This is an incredible story and post. I had tears in my eyes by the end.

One of the things that is fascinating to me is that video footage of you at 11. I wonder what we would see in the background if we were given a glimpse like that on our own lives. What an incredible gift to look back at it through adult eyes and understand a little of how Andy Hardy evolved.

[Shannon]

Leah was born with long red hair? Holy cow! Happy birthday WEEK, Leah! (Always hold out for a birthday "week" or even a birthday "month" while you can still get away with it. I was able to take this all the way to nineteen. :)

[nappy40]

Leah is a lucky and beautiful girl. Happy Birthday to her.

[Danny]

Thank you all for your birthday wishes, I will pass them on to Leah (who may then ask, "WHO are these people?"). And yes, by the way, she WAS born with long red hair which thrilled me to no end because it is the exact shade of my mother, grandparents, and great-grandparents. Gotta love those recessive genes.

[Sonia]

Very Happy Birthday, Leah!!

Danny, your daughter is beautiful!!

[Michelle]

I have just discovered your blog, and this post is the one that made me cry. These are beautiful words about the reflexive and cyclical nature of parenting, and to hear them from a father, even, is very touching. I am sure she had a wonderful and memorable birthday. :)

[Leah]

so I googled my name and this came up and it is kinda weird that a girl with my name was born in the same month as me. Of course we are like 14 years apart, but I am on the 8th of dec. and she is on the 28th. Freaky.Leah isn't that common of a name, spelled the with an h especially. Weird.

[leah lol!!]

well i was googling my name becaus of a bebo email lol n i jus thot id agree wit the othr leah lol i dunt no any leahs in my school : D bt i luv bein unique!!