My Reality Show Is Better Than Your Reality Show

Is this what it’s coming to? This past weekend while our HGTV episode of “If Walls Could Talk” premiered, our friend Michelle’s episode of “Ballroom Bootcamp” debuted on The Learning Channel. With the range of reality shows growing faster than kudzu, is it only a matter of time before all of us are signed up to reveal aspects of our personal lives to the viewing public?

Not that our show had any of the sordid elements of most reality shows. “If Walls Could Talk” features historic homes from around the country about which there is some mystery, either in the artifacts found by the current owners or in the architecture itself. Our mystery centered around the unusual features that connect the house to the early movie industry. They showed our original light fixtures, the inlaid wood floors, and our bizarre basement that contains a built-in tapestry, an intricate tiled floor, New York subway tiles on the walls, a handpainted mural going around the circumference of the room, and movie palace-like crown moldings with gold leaf. I was happy that they talked about original owner Henry Jensen and his theatres and other projects in southern California but it was very freaky to watch ourselves on TV. Kendall and I could barely hear what we were saying since we were screaming so loud at the set. Honestly, I thought I looked like Charles Laughton’s body double from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and that I sounded like a cross between Peter Lorre and Paul Lynde. Was that really my voice?? I’ve forced myself to watch the show a few more times as a desensitizing tool, like the time in an old job when I had to write a Teacher’s Guide for a film about Caesarean sections so I watched the footage of the delivery over and over again until I didn’t feel the need to pass out or puke.

The crew for the show was very nice and it turned out the producer of the segment, Katrina Sarson, was the daughter of Christopher Sarson, the man who created the TV show “Zoom” that I was so obsessed with in the early 1970s. He was also the first executive producer of “Masterpiece Theatre,” my other obsession. How strange is that? Plus, Katrina (it must be hell having that name this year) recently got her doctorate from Harvard in cognitive development and is doing fascinating work related to technology in education. We talked about the possibility of her writing a Heinemann book.

Our friend Michelle Yahn’s show, “Ballroom Bootcamp,” was an entirely different affair. Each week the show chooses three “Average Joes or Janes” (Michelle is so NOT an Average Jane!) from all walks of life to undertake a rigorous five-week training program in a different dance style (cha-cha, tango, waltz, rhumba). The contestants, God help them, then face off in a professional ballroom dancing competition. Michelle’s dance was the tango, the most difficult of the lot, and she had a professional instructor who clearly wanted to murder her after a while because of Michelle’s inability to let anyone else lead. Michelle’s label for the episode was “Hippie Mom” but they edited her scenes in such a way that she could have been called Disgruntled Contestant. “It’s like trying to learn French in three weeks," she moaned to the camera. "It’s IMPOSSIBLE!” The contestants are seen taking additional classes to help get them in the right frame of mind. The producers wanted Michelle to take a pole-dancing class but she refused, darn it. “My children will be watching!” You'd think the people at The LEARNING Channel would know how to spell but Michelle's crew got her husband's and son's name completely wrong in the on-screen credits. Come on, folks! Michelle was terrified to watch the show (she still hasn’t seen it) but we thought she came off great even though she placed third out of three in the final tango competition (ouch!). But what a fun presence—I think she should definitely have her own show.

I never would have watched “Ballroom Bootcamp” if our friend hadn’t been on it, but of course I immediately became addicted, fascinated by the lives of total strangers. When will this trend finally end? As I’ve mentioned before, some of the new so-called reality shows make Faye Dunaway’s programming in “Network” seem tame by comparison. We don’t watch many of these horrors but I’m not exactly proud of the two that we do TiVo: “My Fair Brady,” profiling the dysfunctional relationship between Christopher Knight (who played Peter on “The Brady Bunch”) and a woman half his age who won the first “America’s Top Model” competition. They even had his Brady mom, Florence Henderson, now a licensed marriage counselor, come over in one episode to offer her advice. “She’s got to move out!” Florence proclaimed. You tell him, Mama Brady! How sweet that since Christopher’s mom died years ago he thinks of Florence Henderson as a mother figure. Can I call Olivia Walton when Kendall and I need help in our marriage?

The other show we watch is even more disturbing: “Breaking Bonaduce,” featuring Danny Bonaduce self-destructing before our eyes. The former wisecracking Danny Partridge from “The Partridge Family” always seemed like a wild character (remember when he was arrested for beating up a tranny hooker?) but in this show he is a total train wreck, as he himself states in the scary opening credits. It’s sort of unconscionable that he is the subject of such a show when he is on such a downward spiral in his life. In the current episode, he is shipped off to rehab to try to deal with his raging alcoholism, steroid abuse, and sex addiction. The show reaches a new low by filming Danny and his wife Gretchen’s therapy sessions. Heeeeeelp! No sign of TV mom Shirley Jones offering marriage advice. (And believe me, she’d be the last one to do so—I was once at a screening of “Carousel” at the Cinematheque where Shirley was doing a Q&A. She was lovely but her husband Marty Ingels started heckling her from the audience and practically had to be forcibly removed.)

The reality craze has got to stop. Bring back the actors please! But before such shows go away, I want everyone I know to be on one. I’m thinking of pitching a reality show called “So You Wanna Be a Jew” that features WASPs competing in segments on the proper use of “Oy” and commiting loshon hora on their fellow contestants in the in the Kvetching Korner™.

What reality show would you like to be on?

Comments

[OldLady Of The Hills]

Love this post! I haven't seen the two shows you mention but I was addicted to "Being Bobby Brown" all the while being repulsed by it! I really hate all these kinds of reality shows and don't understand why, for instance Whitney Houston did this? I get why Bobby Brown wanted to do it, but...

When did Florence Henderson become a Therapist???? Oy Vey! Me? I don't want to be on any reality show, thank you very much, unless it is a gardening show...."Cactus Galore".

[Heather]

The only reality shows I would be on are the ones where either (1) they give you a brand new $75K kitchen designed by a celebrity chef or (2) they give you a $5k Visa card and implore you to buy cashmere sweaters and Italian leather boots.

I wish I had known that your show was on Sunday night; I didn't read your entry about it until yesterday, unfortunately. Maybe I will catch a rerun.

[The Retropolitan]

I actually watched most of "Ballroom Bootcamp" last weekend; little did I know that once again Danny Miller's life would have a hand in it. I really have to find shows that you have no connection with.

Before I rent season one of "Lost," let me ask you: did any of your family or friends live on the mysterious island at any point?

[Uncle Paul]

There's no way I can keep up with the Millers et al, but as I have written you, HGTV had the bad taste to run your segment during the final Sox-Angels game that put the Sox in the World Series for the first time in 46 years. Still watched you while the Angels scored 2 runs. I did have my 15 seconds of fame the next day when ABC-TV caught me at Manny's for lunch with my Sox hat on and put a microphone in my face. My reminiscences about Zaid taking me to the first game in '59 made the 4 and 6 news. Still didn't get me a ticket, unfortunately.

Uncle Paul

[Danny]

Oh cool, Paul, do you have it on tape? I didn't know you went to the 1959 World Series. Hey, I was three weeks old at the time, how come I didn't get to go? Come to think of it, I remember you always being a Sox fan. How did that happen when you lived on the North Side just a few blocks from Wrigley Field?

Retropolitan, no island connections but Matthew Fox used to be on "Party of Five" with Neve Campbell who recently bought our friend's house. Okay, that's a stretch.

[Neil]

Dear Danny,

We saw you on you on "If Walls Could Talk" and think you have that "Q" rating that our demographic of 14-28 year old girls are looking for. As an executive with CBS, we'd like to have to become one of the "survivors" on our next installment on Survivor: Galapagos Island. As someone who lives in Los Angeles, raises a child, bought an old home, and works in publishing, we thought you could survive anything.

Lesly Moonieves

[Mikal]

Danny,

First off, thanks for posting stills from the "Walls" show, as I never got around to requesting a TIVO of your appearance there. If I blow the video-caps up a bit, I can get a fair idea of what you and Kendall look like, and the features of your rather unusual home.

Regarding reality shows: I believe they're wildly popular for these reasons:

1) Producers love them because they eliminate the need for PROFESSIONAL ACTORS and WRITERS -- demanding, unreliable and expensive creatures who have a tendency to gum up one's shooting schedule, and narrow profit margins. Reality shows involve "regular" people, or at least washed-up B-list celebs, who make up the action and dialogue as they go along. Just come up with a good concept, a location, a few cameras, an editor, and a couple of schmucks willing to show their warts to the world, and -- voila! -- entertainment.

2) The TV-watching populace loves them because -- let's face it -- most of us are voyeurs by nature. It's inherently interesting to watch people seemingly far more fucked-up than ourselves, and/or in extreme situations we'll probably never encounter, go through their paces. Danny Bonaduce, Ozzy Osbourne, and the various nebbishes who populate less celeb-centered shows are fascinating in the same way a bloody car accident is -- you know you shouldn't slow down and watch, but curiosity always gets the better of you.

As for me, the only reality TV show I'd consider appearing on would be one where I was given my own lavishly-appointed private tropical island,with the Olympic women's beach volleyball team on duty to cater to my whims...

[Rurality]

Oh no, I read this entry late and missed it. What was the episode title? Maybe I'll see a repeat.

(And send it to Zoom... ooooh two ooooone three fooooour! Don't get me started on Ubbi Dubbi.)

[Rosie]

OY. I hate reality TV with a passion. In my improv class last year it was generally the topic of my rants.

I try to avoid it as much as possible, but I'll admit that I have a few guilty pleasures...my mother and I have been known to watch "Super Nanny"...and the first few weeks of college I was stuck in my room watching "Celebrity Fit Camp" and "Tommy Lee Goes to College". Oh, and anything on the Food Network, Animal Planet...or "Trading Spaces".

It's a good thing I dont have a TV anymore. I've decided that reality life is better than reality television.

[david]

I watch very little tv. So, unfortunately, I missed your episode!! But I'll see it, one way or another, what with all the technology available. So glad I saw the house in person.

My reality show would take baseball fantasy camps one level further: chosen contestants would get to play an actual position in an actual major league (probably Spring training) game, for one inning. Wouldn't that be freaking hysterical?!!

A way to bring some fans back . . .

[Tamar]

Sometimes I have thought that my life is one big reality show. I wanna see fantasy, fiction ... but then what is reality? Check out Richard Cohen's blog for a reality check at: http://richardlawrencecohen.blogspot.com/2005/10/what-is-realism.html.

[Rosie]

Come to think of it...I got into Columbia College with an essay(rant) about reality tv....

And I won't ever get into my family's obsession with American Idol. Oh how ashamed I am of them!

[SuperAmanda]

I'm right there with you. It may be a stressfull time crunch each week to create a script and rehearse but imho nearly half of the most fun pop culture exits because of all that hard work and willingness to be creative.
What will there be to look back on for reality TV addicts?