When You’re Feeling Blue…Have Some Oatmeal!

Oy! My nephews’ Errol Morris-directed Quaker Oats commercial debuts on “The Today Show” tomorrow morning and will also be on during “Scrubs” and a ton of other shows and networks! Keep your eyes out for The Blisters’ TV debut. I haven’t been this interested in a television ad since Robert Conrad was daring us to knock a battery off his shoulder.

The final cut of the commercial came out great. My only regret is that my five-year-old nephew Sam’s avant-garde performance bouncing around the studio didn’t make it in. Can commercials ever have a Special Edition DVD that includes missing footage? Leah and I have been singing the Blisters’ original oatmeal song all day. I love that the kids implied that eating oatmeal could cure depression. I know I always felt nurtured and soothed by hot cereal, maybe there really is some connection to our seratonin levels. Don’t worry, I’m not pandering to my nephews’ sponsor, I already admitted that I’m more of a Cream of Wheat than an oatmeal man. I’m also such a snob that when I do eat oatmeal it’s usually the way more expensive Irish steel-cut oats variety. But I still love Quaker Oats as an ingredient—nothing makes a better oatmeal cookie.

The Blisters’ parents are very responsible and they’re making sure their kids don’t get swelled heads from their TV exposure. Spencer or Sammy aren’t anywhere near as excited about their TV debut as I am. Spencer started fourth grade today and is far more concerned with his new spy game than any commercial. I couldn’t quite get a handle on what this secret world he invented was all about when we were in Chicago last week, I just know that every time I saw Spencer and Leah together they were shooting off toy guns and giving cryptic weather reports. I wish I had a tape of my sister years ago swearing that she’d never allow a toy weapon in her house. Now her son has cabinets in his bedroom that look like the munitions warehouse for the IRA. Sammy started Kindergarten today and is far more excited about being a  “stayer-upper” (no more enforced naps) than a TV personality. Oh well, it’s a good thing Leah wasn’t in the commercial, I’d probably have been ejected from the set by Errol Morris himself. I could see myself turning into the advertising age’s equivalent of Mama Rose: “Smile, honey, tell the nice man how Quaker Oats has changed your life!” My sister and Jeff are hoping that no one makes any connections between the Blisters’ fun opportunity and Wilco. Jeff and Wilco had absolutely nothing to do with the Blisters getting this gig but of course reporters (and one blogging uncle) keep mentioning both in the same breath.

I can’t even remember the last time I saw a commercial. The TV shows I watch are mostly on cable and if I do watch regular television I make a frantic dash for the remote to avoid even a split second of advertising. But this wasn’t always the case. When I was young commercials were a valued component of my obsessive television viewing. I remember certain advertising campaigns way better than the plots on “My Mother the Car” or “Petticoat Junction.” If I see old clips of these commercials I experience the same warm feeling I get from watching home movies. It’s terrifying to look back at some of the commercials from the 1960s and 70s and realize that these were the building blocks of so many of my perceptions about the world and about relationships (starting with the ideal fake couple of Mariette Hartley and James Garner lovingly sparring over their Polaroid cameras). While I’ve forgotten huge chunks of my childhood and later years, I can rattle off endless slogans, ditties, and catch phrases at the drop of a hat.

In the valley of the Jolly (ho, ho, ho) Green Giant
The chicken’s got a certain Wessonality
I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!
What do you want, good grammar or good taste?
From the land of sky blue waters
Please don't squeeze the Charmin
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
He likes it! Hey Mikey!
You deserve a break today, so get up and get away
Get a bucket of chicken, finger-lickin’ good, have a barrel of fun
This is an uncola nut
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t
Ring around the collar!
My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there
How do you spell relief?
It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!
Sorry, Charlie!
You sank my battleship!
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz
Snap, crackle, pop, Rice Krispies
Choosey mothers choose Jif
Leggo my Eggo!
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
I'd rather fight than switch
Who wears short shorts?
You’re soaking in it
Two…two…two mints in one
If it says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the label label label

Scary, isn’t it? I could literally go on for hours. All those commercials taking up precious brain matter that might otherwise be developing an AIDS vaccine or the cure for cancer (oh wait, I’m not a scientist, those brain cells would probably just move over to the “Verbatim Dialogue from I Love Lucy” lobe).

Does it seem crazy to be writing about such meaningless twaddle during the current disaster in our country? I guess I’m of two minds about the blogs I've been reading lately. I’m equally grateful for the people who are writing about the horrific aftermath of Hurricane Katrina as I am for the people who are not mentioning it at all. In fact, if I’m doing my job right, some of those commercials I listed above will have already landed with a thud in your consciousness causing you to spend the rest of the day completing the mindless chants (“then you will like it, like it, like it on your table, table, table”). And maybe that will be some temporary relief from the current traumas.

One commercial from the early 70s sticks out in my mind as head and shoulders above the rest. To me it represented the most positive view of our future, a world where pure love and peace had been achieved and the reasons for war no longer existed. And all because of a terribly unhealthy sugary beverage.

On a hilltop in Italy, we assembled young people from all over the world
to bring you this message:

I'd like to buy the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow white turtle doves.

I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I’d like to buy the world a Coke
And keep it company.

It’s the real thing, Coke is
What the world wants today
Coca-Cola
It’s the real thing.

Speaking of catch phrases, they cut Spencer’s great line from the commercial, “Oatmeal makes you rock more efficiently.” Apparently two focus groups thought the line sounded fake, that no real nine-year-old would ever say such a thing. But he DID say it, and it was far more natural than anything that ever came out of Mariette Hartley’s mouth.

Comments

[Heather]

I sure wish I could go from being a "stayer-upper" back to those enforced naps of childhood.

[The Retropolitan]

Let me say it again: having my pre-teen band in an oatmeal commercial directed by ERROL MORRIS would be the coolest thing that ever happened. I would have a tattoo that said "I was in an oatmeal commercial directed by Errol Morris." It would be my number one pick-up line, if I were single and used pick-up lines.

It's too bad that your nephews will probably not appreciate how insanely awesome this is for at least another decade or two.

[Pearl]

Okay, Danny, name THIS commercial:

"Curlers in your hair,
Shame on you,
Curlers at the door,
Shame on you..."

That refrain from (probably) a late 60's or early 70's commercial comes to mind, but I'm clueless as to what the advertised product was. Adorn Hairspray perhaps...?

[Danny]

I remember it well, Pearl (unfortunately!). Kindess hairspray from Clairol, with the offensive tag, "Keep America beautiful—don't wear curlers!" Women really took a beating in commercials back then. It's a good thing cancer-causing Virginia Slims were just around the corner:

You've got your own cigarette now, baby
You've come a long, long way!

[Pearl]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. All these years, since I was a little girl, I've had the refrain tossed around every now and again, and couldn't remember its source, even though I remember the commercial.

How about "Hi, guy!" (with the guy who opens his bathroom cabinet and sees his neighbor) for the deodorant commercial.

One of my faves of all time were the Charlie perfume commercials featuring Bobby Short at the piano. Good jazz + nice fragrance = memorable commercial.

[Danny]

That's easy, Pearl, those were for Right Guard deodorant. I even remember who the star was of those commercials—it was Chuck McCann who also starred in the weird late 70s show called "All That Glitters" in which women were in power and men were the sex objects. Anyone remember that one? It came on right after "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" and also featured Eileen Brennan, Barbara Baxley, Lois Nettleton, Linda Gray as a transexual, and Gary Sandy as the sexually harrassed secretary. Oy.

Remember Shelley Hack as the Charlie perfume girl? She ended up replacing Kate Jackson on "Charlie's Angels" but didn't last long. Her biggest claim to fame was being part of the "shallow couple" who talk to Woody Allen on the street in "Annie Hall."

Okay, that settles it, I need a lobotomy...

[Pearl]

I remembered her first name, Shelley, couldn't remember her last name, but knew she'd become an "angel."

Danny, my job as a copy editor for a book publisher entails a lot of fact checking. I definitely know whom to call on in the future! ;)

Have a great day.

[Rosie]

oh no!!! i missed it this morning! and i have a class tonight during scrubs!!

i'm guessing that your sister is going to be taping this, right?

those kids are the best. it'll be awesome telling everyone that my homeboys (dylan and spencer) are on tv!

[Danny]

Rosie, it's supposed to run for three months so I'm sure you'll see it.

[Rosie]

oh. right.

i've never been sure how long these things run.

[The Retropolitan]

When I think of commercials that I can't get out of my head, I always think of:

"Looks like a pump -- feeeeeels like a sneaker!"

and

"Time to make the donuts."

Nothing like Easy Spirits and Dunkin' Donuts.

[david]

Should've gotten their autographs when I met 'em.

[The Retropolitan]

I changed today's decoder ring message to "Oatmeal makes you rock more efficiently."

[Mark Daniels]

The parents of my ex-sister-in-law appeared in a Quaker Oats commercial a few years ago and since then, her father has been in a number of TV ads for them and others. This is a guy who lives in a small Ohio town and never had any interest in acting. It's opened up a whole new life for them.

[chris]

I'm the creative director on the Quaker Oatmeal account. I'm tickled to see so many people commenting on our Blisters spot. Of the 32 commercials we produced this summer, this one is my favorite. I really think these kids are gonna go places. We put them in the spot because they are nice, smart, talented kids (who happen to be friends with my kids). I can tell you it had nothing to do with Jeff. I didn't even meet him till the shoot (where he was tuning the boys' guitars). And before the shoot was over, I did get the band to autograph a few tubes of Quaker Oatmeal. Maybe I'll sell them on eBay.

[Randi]

Okay, let's see how good you really are!
Munch, Munch,Munch a bunch of (Blank).
It's not polite to smack your lips,
But you can't help it with (Blank)
Munch, Munch,Munch a bunch of (Blank)
Pearl recommended I read your blog...
By the way, I had lunch in a restaurant next to Mickey Rooney about a month ago...he no longer looks like Andy Hardy!
Randi

[Danny]

Randi, that would be Frito's corn chips. (There ain't a commercial I haven't committed to memory.)

[Randi]

Danny, you are my hero!

[Neil]

I don't care if you eat oatmeal, the real question is -- do "The Blisters" eat oatmeal? I won't tell anyone if they are more of a "Frosted Flakes" group when they go back home...

[Rosie]

danny...isn't it 'choosy moms choose jif'? or is that just from my generation?

[Wayne]

I absolutly love the commercial. I have three kids that look like a younger version of Henry, Spencer, and Sam. The one that looks like Spencer is named Spencer oddly enough. I hope these little guys go far. I love the commercial. We TIVO everything and I haven't seen a commercial in about a year, but this one stopped me. Now I think that episode of Scrubs is eternally occuping a space on my TIVO just so we can rewatch the commercial.
Great job all.

[chris]

Neil, I do happen to eat Quaker Oatmeal, and not just because if puts food on my family's table. My favorite is Maple Brown Sugar. But to answer your question...yes, the Blisters really do eat oatmeal. I've got the outtakes to prove it. And hey, they all go to a Montessori school and never watch TV. I don't think they even know what Frosted Flakes are.

Wayne, I'm glad you liked the spot. You'll be happy to know that you can soon free up some space on your TiVo. The spot and a 5-minute film about the Blisters is about to go up on our agency website. I'll give you the link once it is. In the meantime, if you want a quicktime of it (anybody) email me.

[Danny]

Thanks, Chris, I can't wait to see that short film. But at the risk of getting my nephews thrown out of Montessori, I'm not so sure about the TV thing! I can verify, however, that they do eat Quaker Oats constantly, so they can go to bed with a clear conscience!

[Evy]

What commercial has "even the piano's wouldn't play with him" and who was it refering to?

[gkg]

I hope you're wrong about cutting out Spencer's line because frankly at our house that little closer MAKES the whole ad.

[Sue]

I have been trying to remember the name of the 7-Up uncola nut commercial actor. I think his first name is Jeoffrey, but I'm not certain. A big black guy, huge resonant voice, delightful Caribean accent.

Can you help?
Thanks

[Heidi]

He's Geoffrey Holder.

[Heidi]

He's Geoffrey Holder.

[Joanne]

Do you remember the background music of the 7-up the un-cola commercial by Geoffrey Holder? It sounded like a carribean beat. Can anyone remember the title of that song?

[Sebastien, a Quebecer]

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