I went to an Oscar-related event in Hollywood tonight at the American Cinematheque which is right across the street from the Kodak Theatre where the Academy Awards will be given out on Sunday. They were in a frenzy of preparation, I’ve never seen anything like it. When I arrived the presenters and performers were just leaving after a full day of rehearsals. They also had people pretending to be movie stars walking down the grand staircase and red carpet so they could get the camera angles right. It’s a good thing I’m not a paparazzi, God forbid, or a photojournalist because I do NOT have what it takes—I am far too timid to “get the shot.” As it was, I couldn’t believe I whipped out my digital camera and started snapping pictures at all. A few months ago I wouldn’t be caught dead with a camera on Hollywood Boulevard and now, thanks to my blog, I carry it around “just in case I see something interesting.” SEE WHAT YOU’RE TURNING ME INTO? Tourists were at a minimum thanks to all the Oscar barricades but the ones that were there were swarming all over the exhausted jean-clad celebrities. The stars were all followed by “their people” holding overstuffed brown shopping bags, possibly the infamous Oscar goody bags. This year, all the privileged ones get upwards of $30,000 worth of free merchandise for participating in the show including a monogrammed cashmere blanket, engraved Baccarat crystal, and a three-night getaway package to the luxurious Four Seasons Resort in Whistler, Canada. Why do these fun prizes only go to the already loaded? Someone tried to start a campaign to get the celebrities to respectfully decline the goodies this year and have the companies donate that money to tsunami relief but I don’t know if anyone is taking them up on that. And I saw a special car lane set up for Prius and other “alternative fuel vehicles.” These folks, including Orlando Bloom, Salma Hayek, and Leonardo DiCaprio will get special “green” goody bags including a "conflict-free" cultured diamond pendant valued at $3,500 from Diamonds for Humanity, which promotes “luxury with conscience.” Oy.
The only "celebrity" I came face-to-face with as I was ducking my head in shame was Sharon Osbourne who I have to say looked fantastic and was posing for photos with everyone who asked her to. She sure seems like a good ol’ gal! I made the mistake of stopping in the Starbucks on Hollywood Boulevard to jump onto their Internet access and I sat down next to a guy with very bad teeth who was trying to impress an older woman who was visiting from the Midwest (his mother?) with his endless tales of celebrity encounters. “You’re gonna hate me for this,” he said, “But do you know that Madonna once CALLED MY HOUSE?” Why, I wondered to myself, to threaten police action if he didn’t stop stalking her? Or did he live in the back of a Domino’s and she was just ordering a pizza? The man explained in excruciating detail how a fence in his backyard was used on an old “I Love Lucy” show and seemed to get extremely agitated when the woman couldn’t remember the episode. He claimed to have “attended” (stood twenty yards behind the police line?) last year’s Grammys, Emmys, and Oscars, and to have spent part of last summer with Ben Affleck and Christian Slater. Every story began with “You are gonna really hate me for this…” Oh dear God, do I sound like these tragic people when I report on my L.A. experiences?
I then went into my event which was a special Oscar taping of a weekly film review program on KPCC, one of our NPR affiliates. The show is hosted by the excellent Larry Mantle and features eight of the most erudite film critics in the country including Henry Sheehan, Peter Rainer, F.X. Feeney, Ella Taylor, and Jean Oppenheimer. Leaving the Hollywood freak show on the curb, I was immediately confronted by an entirely different crowd. At the concession stand I heard this conversation: “You know, I don’t watch television.” “Oh God, neither do I.” “I haven’t owned a set in 30 years.” (Note to all listeners of National Public Radio: If you do not own a television, please keep that information to yourself unless specifically asked. And try not to be so smug. I’m sure you’re all listening to Howard Stern when no one else is in the car.) I had a nice conversation with a couple from Thousand Oaks who described their rare trip into Hollywood that night as if they had just traveled across Bhutan on mules. The critics' predictions more or less mirrored mine, and at the end of the evening we got to see one of the Oscar-nominated short films.
Leaving the theatre at 10:30 pm the Oscar workers were still in full force, lugging giant Oscar statues and setting up a phalanx of lights and cables. A Norwegian TV crew was shooting a spot near one of the statues and I heard one tourist tell her friend about the reporter, “Look! There's one of the women from Abba!” Several dozen members of the nearly 600-strong security detail that will be on hand Sunday were having a meeting in front of the red carpet and florists were setting up roses atop gold Oscar-shaped flower stands. Will someone please remind me to stay away from Hollywood the week before the Oscars next year? Besides my unpleasant over-identification with the celebrity sycophants, my ego is way too fragile to watch people planning a party that I’m not invited to.
And if we DO remind you to stay away from Hollywood during pre-Oscar week next year, will you listen to us? I think not.
Posted by: Lisa | February 25, 2005 at 07:58 AM
Danny: I can't tell if it's wonderful or horrible to live in the shadow of the "star-making machinery." I can just see that guy you're describing. Played by Dennis Hopper, or Willem Dafoe?
Posted by: david | February 25, 2005 at 10:46 AM
"I couldn’t believe I whipped out my digital camera and started snapping pictures at all. A few months ago I wouldn’t be caught dead with a camera on Hollywood Boulevard and now, thanks to my blog, I carry it around “just in case I see something interesting.” SEE WHAT YOU’RE TURNING ME INTO? "
Great stuff, Danny! Now we know what happened to Hunter Thompson's spirit. Kendall: if you happen to catch Danny retyping Hemmingway, give me a call and we'll schedule an internvetion.
Keep up the great work!
Posted by: Scott | February 25, 2005 at 10:57 AM
Umm.. make that "intervention".
Posted by: Scott | February 25, 2005 at 10:58 AM
Danny,
i love seeing what you're seeing with the digital camera. it's making me want to try that.
Also, it's such a pleasure to watch someone sorta . . . snuggle into blogging, and hit their stride, and wriggle and work the form into a shape that fits their own lineaments, plus -- like a snow angel.
Finally -- I KNEW if anybody got the Donald O'Connor reference, it would be you.
Posted by: amba | February 25, 2005 at 12:36 PM