Hair-Brained

I was fascinated by Tamar’s and Nappy40’s discussion yesterday about the politics of hair. They talked about the torture they felt they had to put themselves through for so many years to cajole their curly, frizzy, fuzzy, nappy hair into something that more closely resembled our culture’s idea of “good hair.” I often worried about the messages my curly-haired, glasses-wearing daughter got from some of her favorite films such as “The Princess Diaries” where invariably the makeover given to the main character midway through the film sent the message that for a girl curly hair and glasses = unattractive and subject to ridicule, while straight hair and contacts = endless opportunities and the cutest guys. Yuck. My daughter has since straightened her hair (that Japanese process that lasts six months at a time) but she and her curly-haired mom swear that the straightening does not come from a belief that their natural hair is inferior or unappealing. Leah recently insisted on keeping braids in her hair for two days so that when she took them out it would be curly!

I hope Tamar and Nappy40 keep that conversation going. It did make me think—what about the politics of NO hair? I firmly believe that bald men are one of the last groups in this country that people are allowed to blatantly discriminate against and ridicule without the fear of appearing uncool or politically incorrect. I was watching one of those ghastly “reality” shows the other day (God forgive me) where a woman was being set up on a blind date. The host was giving her some clues about the guy she was going to meet and then, with panic flashing across her eyes, she asked, “He’s not bald, is he?!!” The host looked confused and then quickly said “Oh no, OF COURSE not!” thus assuring the woman that even in the manipulative world of reality television, it would never cross the producers’ minds to be so cruel as to fix her up with a BALD person. Hmm, what if she had said, “He’s not Jewish, is he?” with the same horror in her voice?

I think these messages about baldness are as prevalent in the media as the ones that are constantly telling girls and women that they are less than. The good guys and romantic leads in movies typically have thick manes of perfect hair, while the sadistic criminals and poor shlemiels are balding. It is so insidious I think most of us don’t even see it anymore: full head of hair = trustworthy, kind, desirable stud; receding hairline = sleazy, pathetic losers. Aren’t there even studies that show how a bald man could never be elected president in this country? I loved what Paul Giametti said when he was nominated for a Golden Globe this year for “Sideways”: “I hope I strike a blow for chubby bald men everywhere!” and yet to read some of the venomous reviews of “Sideways,” you’d think Giamatti had committed a crime by daring to be a romantic character while looking the way that he does.

I know, I know, you are now going to mention a bunch of famous bald men you think are very handsome and sexy. I’m familiar with the list—from Yul Brynner to Telly Salavas to Patrick Stewart’s Captain Picard to a range of African-American athletes who shave their heads. Yawn. Whenever I hear women pulling out this list to prove they have no issues with bald people, I think of discussions by white folks about how beautiful black women are but then they only mention African-American women with very specific features including straight silky hair, slim noses, and small lips. Have you seen the African-American women who have won the Miss America pageant?

Yikes, I guess I’m sounding a little bitter. I certainly have no reason to complain in my personal life. I know that my baldness is not a turn-off for Kendall or my friends and family. I’m just saying we all need to be more aware of the messages we’re putting out there, and I’m talking to myself too. My hair started thinning when I was in my 20s and for years I treated it as a kind of illness. It didn’t matter that I knew intellectually that it was a genetic condition over which I had no control, to me it somehow represented my lack of health (perhaps because of all the media images of healthy/full head of hair; sickly/balding that I’d seen). I got very used to my straight-on reflection in the mirror, but for many years when I’d see a photo of myself from a different angle I’d audibly gasp. “Oh my God, who is that bald guy?!” To be honest, I'm still shocked when I see certain pictures!

I used to get my hair cut at the ritzy health club I belonged to, until one day, as I was sitting in that chair, I thought, “WHY are you paying $40 for a haircut? You’re BALD!” Now I happily fork over my $9.00 at the local Supercuts, forego the shampooing, and I’m out of there in less than 10 minutes. What a dream! But whether I’m sitting in the fanciest hair salon in Beverly Hills or the Pico Boulevard Supercuts, the person cutting my hair always approaches the fuzz growing on the top of my bald head as if she were a museum curator handling an ancient artifact that must be preserved. “Please cut it off,” I always say, and they seem surprised, as if keeping those few wispy strands would be fooling anyone into thinking I’m an Abercrombie & Fitch model.

I hope it doesn’t sound like I have no sense of humor about baldness. Nothing made me laugh harder than the exchanges between Murray Slaughter and Sue Ann Nivens on the old “Mary Tyler Moore Show.” He’d make some crack about what a pathetic nymphomaniac she was and she’d stop and check her makeup in the reflection on the top of his head. On the other hand, can I tell you how much I am NOT into the “Bald Pride” movement? As much as I don’t want to be hiding in my basement cowering in shame, that still doesn’t mean I want to join a “Bald Is Beautiful” parade. I just don’t get it. There is a group called the Bald-Headed Men of America (BHMA) that publishes a newsletter called “Chrome Dome,” has an annual convention, promotes National Rub a Bald Head Week, and states on their website that they are “dedicated to the belief that bald-headed men have extra individual character.” Oy, do we? I don’t think so! And please do not rub my head unless expressly asked. There’s a documentary about this group called “All Together Bald” that I haven’t seen but I hope it’s in good fun. I got a little worried when I heard it compared to “Best in Show,” the hilarious Christopher Guest “mockumentary” about a national dog show. But what other film could have the tagline, “This film is a must-see whether you have a full head of hair or not!”

At least the Bald Pride people mean well, unlike the multi-billion dollar industry that tries (and fails) to “save” people from going bald. And to watch their TV commercials, you’d think they were saving balding men from certain death. The scripts for these commercials are truly appalling, implying that if you’re balding you are weak and less than a man and certainly will never be able to attract a mate. Thank God I have never felt any desire to to hide, stall, or reverse my baldness. I fully accept that I am bald and know that there is nothing I can do about it, it is just part of who I am, and a fairly meaningless part. But just when I want to laud myself for my healthy attitude and perspective, I give myself “the test,” and I’m afraid I fail it every time. If suddenly someone invented a pill that would restore my full head of hair exactly as it was in my early 20s, and I only had to take this free pill once and there were no side effects, would I take it? You bet I would! Damn.

Comments

[Tamar]

Okay - so NOW wll you send me a picture of you for my "friends" album already?

[Danny]

I might. But until I do, feel free to use the picture of Yul Brynner in my post.

[otherpeoplesblogs]

I think it how the man perceives his bald head. Just as your mother told you, confidence is everything.

From my own dating files:

I dated a researcher/professor from CMU/Berkley who had the traditional "bald head, goatee face", who was proud of his bare head. I found his baldness incredibly sexy, because it was a constant reminder of the big brain he had underneath his skull.

My next "boyfriend" was an incredibly wealthy and powerful man, who had plugs to disguise his thinning hair. All the plugs managed to do was create more attention to a part of his body he was insecure about in the first place. Definitely not sexy.

My current partner worries about his rising hairline from time to time, but knows I will find him just as attractive with less hair.

[Elaine Soloway]

Danny, I enjoyed the discussion of hair and lack of, and thought I’d tell you about my Tommy who is in the latter category. After my divorce, when I was ready to date, I put an ad in the Çhicago Reader seeking a Jewish man, in his 50s, with grey hair. Tommy is in his 50s. I met him on the street where we both lived, not through the ad. Now that we’ve been married for 7 years, my spouse entertains me with the following quips: “I had a crew cut and the crew bailed out.” Or, “I have wavy hair – it’s waving me goodbye.” Corny, yes, but try them on for size.

[Nappy40]

I think for men a full head of hair is supposed to represent youth and virility. But what about gray hair? My dad was 100% gray before he was 30, and my sister who is in her 30s now is heading there too. I have the beginnings of a Della Reese-like gray streak forming on the left and I'm not even 40!

For the record, Yul had a little braid on the side.

[Danny]

Love all these comments and here's one more blog post on the subject from my colleague Lisa Barnett who has also experienced baldness.

Isn't being gray the same as so many things in our crazy culture—considered attractive and appealing for men and a total no-no for women?

(Yul's braid was only in his younger days as Rameses in "The Ten Commandments," right? I think I remember reading that he really was never bald--he just found a "look" that worked for him and kept it through endless revivals of "The Kind and I!")

[Alex]

Greetings!
I'd be interested to hear your take on this:

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2668211

Regards,
-Alex

[Madjack13]

Yul Brynner WAS legitimately balding. I did remember coming across an old, rare photo of him with hair before he shaved it off and he was clearing receding in the picture, about the stage of baldness that I am at now -- a Norwood 3.5 or so. But yes, his shaved pate works very well for him. It almost inspires me to shave my own thinning pate and work out like him. Maybe it will actually improve my love life, but I won't bet on it.

[liz]

Bald is hot. Period.