I just changed all the colors on my blog from green to blue to match my mood. Not sure why I feel like I’m sinking into depression at the moment. The post-holiday blues (even though I’m relieved the holidays are over)? The cold rainy weather we’re having (even though I love the rain)? The weirdness I’ve been feeling today about having this blog (even though I enjoy doing it and it’s helping me get back to my own writing)? I’m very new to this Blog World and I’m still learning the protocols of what to write about and how. I need to remind myself that this is NOT a private journal, and even if very few people ever look at this site, I’m still putting stuff out into the world so there are probably things I should not write about in here. And yet, if I focus on that too much, I’ll get embarrassed and clam up and drop the whole thing.
Last night we had dinner with our friends Tom and Lisa which I always enjoy. In fact, I feel so comfortable with them that I find myself letting go of some of my usual social barriers and acting pretty gregarious. I always leave their house feeling that I should apologize with a blanket, “I’m sorry for anything I said or did tonight that was offensive.” Of course, they never feel the need for any apology and since they keep inviting us back, I have to believe they enjoy our company and don’t think I’m talking too much or too loud or being too obnoxious. Why do I feel that when I’m being the most MYSELF, that is when I need to walk around apologizing to the world? And believe me, I’m suppressing the urge to apologize for every keystroke here but it’s easier because I’m just sitting alone at my computer, not forcing anyone to see or hear or read me. Oy, listen to that language, as if I’m ever “forcing” anyone to do those things in my regular life! Shall I have a moment of gratitude that my therapist returns from a three-week vacation this week? I just realized part of my dilemma—I’m very opinionated and can often express those opinions quite forcefully but I’m also very prone to feelings of shame and embarrassment. Not the best combination. I’m working on it, just give me a few more decades to get healthy…
I also doubt that my blackening mood was helped by the film I saw tonight, “The Woodsman” starring Kevin Bacon as a child molester who just got out of 12 years in jail. It was agonizingly painful to watch. There are no scenes of molestation in the film and yet there are the times when you can feel the entire theatre cringing. Kevin Bacon gave a magnificent performance in a very difficult role and I love, love, love Kyra Sedgwick. I could also imagine Martha Plimpton in her role, neither of these women is capable of hitting a false note.
I have so much to be grateful for and really love my life/family/job, etc., but I have to be careful that I don’t use that gratitude as a weapon against myself. In other words, the constant guilt trip of “how dare you ever experience a negative emotion when you are so blessed and have such wonderful people in your life/don’t have cancer/weren’t caught in the tsunami, etc. I’ve got to get over this idea that I don’t have a RIGHT to my feelings, they just ARE what they are and I need to move through them without so much judgment.
Well, so much for my claim that I need to watch what I write in here and not use it like a personal journal! Maybe I should stick to Shirley Temple…
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