Thank God we weren’t home last night so we couldn’t watch the Golden Globes awards. First of all, isn’t this awards show the biggest scam in Hollywood? They’re presented by some questionable organization called the Hollywood Foreign Press Association which basically means that any schmoe from Oslo to Kirkutsk can come to Hollywood, pretend to be a foreign journalist, and create a fake “Oscar buzz” about anyone they like (or anyone whose agent gives them an iPod). Don’t tell me this set-up doesn’t produce some payola shenanigans (remember the Pia Zadora fiasco?). Hell, the Golden Globes goody bag alone is probably worth a hundred times more than any dues these journalists have to pay—can I say I’m reporting for the Icelandic Times and attend the Golden Globes next year? The list of HFPA members who vote is shockingly small and I’ve never heard of any of them, have you? Of course I realize that this sounds like I’m implying that other awards shows, like the Oscars, have more “validity” because the votes are somehow more legitimate. Hmm, not really, I know some of those voters and they cast their ballots based on the same emotional whims and biases as anyone else. What else can they do?
The real problem is with the concept of awards shows to begin with. What would Alfie Kohn say, I always think. He’s the well known and often controversial educator who believes that the rewards systems used in most schools tend to be counterproductive and that children start performing less in these environments because their motivation becomes extrinsic rather than intrinsic. Instead of lifelong learners, they become more like lab rats who need their latest “fix” of a Gold Star or big “A” on their paper. Kohn cites studies showing, for example, that preschool children who expect awards for their drawing produced drawings that were considered lower in quality than when they expected no awards. And when rewards were given to university students, they used less creativity to solve problems. Take a look at his book Punished by Rewards and also his hard-hitting Heinemann book that shows how the out-of-control standardized testing movement is ruining our schools.
Not that Kohn’s theories transfer completely to Hollywood awards shows, but it does seem insane to pit these apples-and-oranges performers against each other and to talk as if we believe that the ones who walk away with the prize actually gave a "better" performance. If that were true, why do most of my memories of watching awards broadcasts involve me screaming at the TV set in anger and disbelief? It’s all subjective, and when the "winners" and "losers" try to look magnanimous and say, “It’s just about being nominated,” I always think, “but what about all the great performances that weren’t nominated? Are you saying you’re better than them?” It’s especially insidious these days when there are so many people whose job consists of spending tons of money to get their stars nominated for these things.
That rant aside, I do watch the Oscars and if anyone I knew ever got nominated for one, I’d be running all over Beverly Hills applying bumper stickers promoting my friends’ films to the backs of the Academy voters’ SUVs. My brother-in-law is nominated for two Grammys this year and can’t come here for the awards show next month because he has a gig and I am sick about it. My sister was going to come and take me with her until we found out that yes, she’d be allowed to attend but we’d have to pay $550 for each ticket. Damn, I was so looking forward to that, even though I’ve never heard of 90 percent of the people who are nominated for Grammys this year. I have no choice but to acknowledge that I am the biggest hypocrite in the world when it comes to awards shows. It reminds me of a TV movie I saw in the early 1970s called “The Great American Beauty Contest” about a radical feminist infiltrating a beauty pageant for the sole purpose of destroying it on national television when she wins. So of course then when she DOES win, she’s so overcome with the honor of being the reigning beauty queen that she abandons her feminist agenda and accepts the crown. Oy.
But Kohn’s theories carry some weight, even in Hollywood, when you look at the list of former Oscar and Golden Globe winners and realize they are crammed with people who immediately screwed up their lives or fell into obscurity despite all the promise the award seemed to offer. After Luise Rainer won back-to-back Best Actress Oscars in 1936 and 1937 and her career quickly tanked, she said that “winning two Academy Awards was the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Even so, I’m sure this year’s crop of actors are hoping to be so cursed.
I’m glad to hear that Hilary Swank and Annette Bening won for Best Actress. Both of their performances were amazing. And I’m all for taking any opportunity to celebrate Natalie Portman, especially when she’s out of those damn Queen Amidala robes, but I still feel that Cate Blanchett wuz robbed! I don’t even know who the other nominees were so I can’t begrudge Leonardo DiCaprio or Jamie Foxx their awards. And I’m glad “Sideways” won, but do you see my dilemma? I loathe everything these awards shows stand for, and yet the minute I get involved I drop my beliefs on a dime and start arguing that my favorites are really the ones who deserved to win. That’s why I can’t watch the other awards shows, it makes me hate myself too much. Alfie...save me!!
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