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February 28, 2013

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Danny, I've never even been in a situation close to yours, but this all makes sense to me, especially the fear and anxiety upon returning home, and the intense exhaustion, emotionally and physically.

Charlie is resilient, in part I think because he has such resilient parents. You have all been through so much. My biggest wish for you all is that the years that follow are happy ones, free of crises.

So, dear Danny, have a Doctor? Is there someone that you see for yourself? This would be a great time to have a check- and tell this hopefully attentive and caring person that you're having these thoughts and feelings. It may be wise to have meds on hand for just those rare moments when you need them, but to have a competent medical professional "following" you, and caring for you as you care for Charlie. They may advise changes in diet, too, or other ways to cope with what feel like logical reactions to this most recent trauma. Hugs to you, Danny. That might help, too!

That you held it together so long in the hospital is one miracle, Danny. And that you pulled it all together again so quickly is another. And that you are able to write it all with such candor and depth so that each of us can relate o those feelings of cracks in our armor is a third wonder in this impossibly difficult world. Thanks, Danny.

Peggy Shecket is right, despite her hilarious last name (shecket in Hebrew is Shut Up). Now that Charlie is tucked away at home, it's time for you to take care of yourself, depending upon what your symptoms of anxiety are about. It is OK to be anxious and fearful, quite natural in fact due to the stress you've recently been under. However that doesn't dismiss the damage that anxiety and stress can do to your body and mind when it becomes chronic. As the Queen of chronic stress, I'm praying that you allow yourself some relief before you lean towards neurosis caused by fear. The starting point for help is to know that you and Charlie are both adored. Now get on the phone and make an emergency appy with your primary care physician.

Thanks for your beautiful honesty. You create a blessing for everyone through it. Much love to your family, and my prayers for health, joy and ease for you all.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. You and Kendall have had to hold it together for so long it is perfectly natural (and probably therapeutic) that you would fall apart after the fact.

I agree that having a check up might be in order. After all you have been taking care of everyone, isn't it time someone took care of you? But I don't agree that meds are the answer.

Taking time for yourself, laughing, crying, going to the farmer's market, with your son, trying to restore some normalcy and definitely writing about it are better answers than popping a pill.

Meanwhile, we are still all here supporting you and your family.

I am so happy you all are home eating eggs and driving around the neighborhood. I can only echo what all the wonderful comments have already said.

If I'm ever in LA, by the way, I'm taking you up on the offer to stop by and play with the garbage trucks!

Among many other things, like releasing all the stored-up tension and fear now that it was OVER, I think you were probably terrified to be solely responsible for Charlie in his fragile condition, especially having seen what happened when his CSF pressure climbed. Much as you were impatient to get out of there, it was also a safe place to be. I agree with Wendy that your reaction is normal and maybe better to be undergone and confessed (catharsis) than muted by medication, if you can stand it -- and you can: you did! (People used to HOWL with grief; now they're given Prozac.) You will gradually relax as you see that Charlie is really doing fine. And it is so wonderful to hear and see that he is.

One of the wonders of the human body & soul is that they sometimes hold together as long as they have to, and once the adrenaline levels start to sink, they crash. It's perfectly normal and has happened to me several times. I've been called ice-cold, heartless and someone obviously without any feelings whenever I stayed calm, relaxed and composed during traumatic times (both my grandparents died within 30 hours of each other, my brother died at 38 years of age), but my system did collapse at some point, just that it was pretty invisible to others, went unnoticed, but came at - imho - a more appropriate time.

All the best for you and your precious family from across the big pond.

This all makes so much sense - I'm glad you wrote about it - it only adds depth to your "blog character," and makes him more human. Not to mention, courageous!

I can so relate and have so much compassion for everything you said.

Danny, I haven't been able to comment but I've been thinking of you and your family so much in recent days. I have never been back to the hospital that treated by twins in their early days, I can't imagine how you must have been feeling and perhaps that is why I felt I could not write anything in response to your recent posts. But I've been thinking and hoping so much.

I think I remember writing here that I wish I could have somehow read your NICU posts in 2008 (although I would have needed to travel time in order to do that!) because you just described the experience so well. I still think about that time, most days of my life.

Charlie is looking fabulous, he is amazing. As are you and Kendall. I was asked, on some stupid school form, today whether I thought my child had any particular gifts in music or sport. I thought I about writing down that she is gifted at breathing (an art that she had to work pretty hard at!) and that she is the most resilient person I know. They never cease to amaze me these children of ours.

I'm sorry for that the nurse picked on the Baby Boy 2. My Jess is also Baby 2. and I do sometimes, even now, get asked where Baby 1. is. Oliver is not forgotten.

Cheering you on, albeit usually silent-ly! x

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