Hello, Anne? Yes, Your Majesty, I got your message, I’m sorry it took me so long to call you back. I’ve been super busy with this huge project for work and I—excuse me? Yes, of course I remember that I wrote you last year on your 474th wedding anniversary but I’ve been working so hard lately I feel like I haven’t written in my blog since the English Reformation. Ha-ha, the Refor—sorry? Blog? Oh, it’s short for “weblog,” it’s a kind of online repository of a person’s thoughts and—whoa, calm down, Your Highness, I can’t understand a word you’re saying!
Oh, I know, right? What did I tell you—it’s “All Anne Boleyn, All the Time” down here these days! Yes, my wife and I finally saw “The Other Boleyn Girl” last week—you saw it, too? Huh? Mary, Queen of Scots, showed it to you on Blu-Ray? Wow, I’m surprised to hear you two hang out considering your own daughter had her—what’s that? Yes, I enjoyed the film. Hey, what do you think of the Blu-Ray format? I’m really worried that all my DVDs are going to be obsolete soon and—sorry, Your Grace? Oh, yes, I liked Natalie Portman’s portrayal of you. No, Anne, that’s Natalie Dormer playing you in “The Tudors,” this is Natalie Portman—you know, Queen Amidalah from the “Star Wars” prequels. I know, they really sucked, didn't they? Alec Guinness said what about them? Oh, that’s priceless! But back to Portman, I was happy they got such a talented actress to play you. I’ve always liked Scarlett Johansson, too, what did you think of her portrayal of your sister Mary?
Whoa, Annie, relax—you’re losing it! I agree, they took a few liberties with the story but it’s just a movie, Your Majesty, it’s not like anyone is going to—well, yeah, it did sort of make Mary seem like a saint compared to you, but they needed to distinguish between the two of you and your little sister was—excuse me? She wasn’t your little sister? She was a year older than you? But your Wikipedia entry says that—wiki—oh that’s an online encyclopedia that people can—I know, Anne, you were never exiled to France while your sister stayed home to boff the King, you both spent years there in the court of King Francois. You were both ladies-in-waiting to Queen Claude, n’est-ce pas? What? You’re telling me that your sister did the entire Court, one by one, including Francois? Wow, in the movie she seems pure as the driven snow. I know, and to think they called you the Great Whore! Oh, sorry, I know that still hits a nerve.
You want everyone to know that you never stole the King away from your sister? He was completely finished with her before he turned to you? Yeah, well the film does present it a little differently. I guess they wanted to show the contrast of—what’s that? Good point, Your Highness, Mary is the one who was married, you weren’t. But your boyfriend the King was, Annie, and that still makes you a—sorry? Ma’am, that’s no way to talk about the King’s first wife, Queen Catherine. What? Your sister’s brat wasn’t Henry’s? I know, it’s weird how they present that as uncontested fact in the movie. Henry never acknowledged that baby, and I bet he would have if he thought it was his, even if he did view your sis as yesterday’s trash. Didn’t he make Bessie Blount’s bastard Henry FitzRoy the Duke of Richmond? I know, I saw that, too, I couldn’t believe they killed off FitzRoy at the age of three in “The Tudors” when everyone knows he lived to 17 and even got married. When will these writers learn that true history is even more interesting than the crap they make up.
Like in this new film, they HAD to turn it into a story of rivalry between two sisters—you’d think you and Mary were the Olson twins or something! That’s right, Mary-Kate and Ashley! Jesus, don’t tell me that you’ve watched “Full House” up there! Oh, you’ve just borrowed some of your cousin Catherine Howard’s People magazines! Catherine still sounds like a piece of work. As I said before, she deserved her beheading SO much more than you did. Do you ever hang out with the other wives? Everyone but holier-than-thou Catherine of Aragon and “that Seymour bitch?” Was Jane really that bad, Annie? You were probably happy to see how mousy she appeared in the new movie while you and Mary were both knockouts! Hey, Anne, check this out: Our usher at Arclight Cinemas asked the whole audience before the film who we thought was hotter, Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson. Is that setting the right tone for a film about the classy Boleyn girls? My vote was on Portman, but you were both very attractive in your day. Ooh, that’s not a very nice thing to say about your sister, Your Highness, I doubt that her face could literally stop a clock. I know, I know, she was never the King’s trusted confidante, and I agree with you that she was the last person in Europe who would have schlepped to Court to try to talk him out of executing you! Ah well, it gave Johansson a good scene for her Oscar reel. Is that why you’re so furious, Anne? What’s got you so steamed?
Oh right, that was pretty low how they showed your consummation with Henry as a rape scene. Far from it, huh? Yeah, I know you kids were deeply in love…well, at least until he decided to have you killed. But that wasn’t the worst thing? Oh my God, I screamed in the theatre during that scene, too, just ask Kendall! Exactly! How on earth could they take Henry’s completely bogus charge of incest against you and your brother George and make it look like you really did plan to bed down with him just so you could get pregnant after your miscarriage. Ick. I know, I know, it never happened, please stop screaming, Your Highness. Hmm, you’re probably right—a lot of people who don’t know better will take it as historical fact, but then again, they’ll probably think you and your sister had white teeth and clean hair, too! Ha-ha…oh, sorry, I know you’re upset about this, but what can I do? Um, I don’t think there’s ever been a screenwriter arrested for treason in this country and besides, I have no authority, I’m just a—excuse me?
Anne of Cleves is waiting for you to go play a game of skittles? What’s that? Sort of like bowling? Hey, that’s cool that you and the Cleves chick are friends, she always seemed like a good ol’ gal and she must have been smart as hell to survive her marriage to that lunatic husband of yours. I’m glad that you have no hard feelings. Especially since she was given your old home at Hever Castle after she split with the King. Hey, do you ever see Henry? Oh, right, I guess it’s a little awkward and he’s probably still buzzing around that wimp Jane Seymour. What’s that? Oh, I’m not surprised that he’s loving being played by Hollywood hunks Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Eric Bana. I know—he wishes, right? Oy, you say he’s fatter than ever? And Cromwell, do you ever see that bastard who sold you down the river? Oh good. At least he didn’t get much play in the movie, he’s barely mentioned.
I’ll do what I can to spread the word about the movie, Anne, but is there anything you liked about it? Yeah, I agree, they got your vile sister-in-law Jane Parker down perfectly. Whenever I watch Lady Rochford screwing you over, I always take comfort in the fact that she loses her own head a few years later. Karma, baby. Oh cool, I’m glad to hear how much you liked Kristin Scott Thomas’s portrayal of your mom, Lady Elizabeth. You think she even looked like her? You talked to Anthony Minghella when he got there last week? That’s nice that he had such high praises for Thomas in “The English Patient.” Maybe you and Kristin share some bloodlines. Did you know they say you're related to Princess Diana? Yeah, ask her about it.
Okay, Your Highness, I gotta go, too. Hey, don’t forget to watch the new season of “The Tudors” that starts next Sunday. Natalie Dormer is having a field day playing you this year, even though word has it that she won’t survive the season. Ouch, check out that publicity shot of Henry clutching her neck. But look on the bright side—your sister Mary is nowhere to be found this season. And don’t sweat the movie, Anne. Remember that no matter what anyone says about you, you will always have the last laugh. Your stepdaughter Mary’s stint as Queen of England is reviled by historians and Jane Seymour’s brat Edward VI’s reign was a disaster. Nope, it’s your own flesh-and-blood, Elizabeth I, once derided as nothing more than the bastard daughter of a whore, who is now considered one of the greatest monarchs Europe has ever seen. I know, I love Cate Blanchett, too, did you see the second film?
Hey, Happy Easter, Annie. Talk to you soon!