Arlene Francis Saves My Mother’s Life

Years ago, I wrote a piece for Salon magazine that bemoaned the prepackaged, chemically saturated foods that made up a good portion of my childhood diet. My mother had a mixed reaction to the essay. She laughed at my descriptions of our meals and agreed with my points about the changing role of women in the 1960s, but she took issue with my hyperbole about her devotion to easy-to-prepare foods. What about her delicious stuffed veal breasts, her succulent beef stew, or her wonderful turkey dinners? My mom was a good cook but she was still a product of her time. Speedy meals made with a minimum of effort were changing women’s lives in the kitchen the same way the brand new birth control pill was changing their lives in the bedroom.

I still have some of my mom’s old cookbooks: her dog-eared copy of “The Joy of Cooking” and her well-used tome from “Better Homes & Gardens.” But these were not her culinary bibles. No, her primary role model in the kitchen was that elegant and urbane star of stage and screen, Miss Arlene Francis, whose book “No Time For Cooking” promised to get women in and out of the kitchen in less than fifteen minutes!

Arlene extols the virtues of packaged foods in her book with a religious fervor and my mother was her devoted disciple. As I wrote in my Salon article:

The new prefab goodies were designed to free American women from the drudgery of the kitchen and add quality time to family life. As consumer dependency shifted from the farmland to the factory, our foods reflected the hopeful wonder of American technology. Why spend countless hours preparing the boring meals of our grandparents’ generation when you could simply grab a box, open a can, break a plastic seal, or pull back a foil lining?

A typical day in our house began with breakfast cereals that boasted a staggering array of artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives. Cocoa Puffs, Sugar Pops, Cap'n Crunch. My favorite was Trix—tiny spheres of crunchy Day-Glo sugar that sent spirals of fluorescent colors strafing across my bowl of milk. I also liked Lucky Charms, which featured mini-marshmallows in leprechaun-inspired shapes. I foraged past the bland cereal bits to find the yummy hearts, moons, and clovers in a spectrum of hues that never existed on God’s rainbow.

Lunchtime foods sprang forth from a stock of canned goods that was big enough to outlast the Cold War. Our luncheon menu might include Spaghettios (“the neat new spaghetti you can eat with a spoon!”), Chef Boy-Ar-Dee mini-raviolis, Goober’s peanut butter and jelly swirled together in the same jar, or the glorious Marshmallow Fluff, a pristine white concoction of sugar and air that was added to peanut butter to make heavenly “fluffernutter” sandwiches. When she had a little extra time, my mother prepared comforting Kraft Macaroni 'n' Cheese. As she mixed the powdered topping with milk, it was magically transformed into a cheesy goo guaranteed to stay in the colon until Nixon’s resignation. All of these treats were washed down with refreshing sugary beverages such as grape Kool-Aid, strawberry Fizzies, Tang, Fresca, or chocolate-flavored Yoo-Hoo.

For our nightly dinner meal, my mother demonstrated a flair for the exotic. Hawaiian meatballs made with canned pineapple in heavy syrup; lemon chicken, cooked all day in a Crock-Pot with frozen lemonade concentrate. Sometimes she served honest-to-God fresh produce: wedges of watery iceberg lettuce drowning in the dazzling gelatinous red-orange of Kraft French Dressing. In an era that worshiped brand names, our dinner ingredients were offerings upon the altar: melted Velveeta, cubed Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese, crushed Kellog’s Corn Flakes, Kikkoman Teriyaki Sauce, Wish-Bone Italian Dressing, Lipton Onion Soup Mix, Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, Durkee’s French Fried Onions. Capitalism was alive and well in America and living in our pantry.

My mother’s desserts rivaled science fair projects. She made Dole pineapple upside-down cake, sticky Rice Krispies treats, and “mock” apple pie made of Ritz crackers instead of fruit. My favorite dessert was the short-lived Jello 1-2-3. Although prepared like regular Jello, this amazing product would separate into three distinct layers as it cooled: creamy top, fruity middle, and plain artificial black cherry bottom. Top the whole thing with non-dairy Cool Whip and you have a dessert fit for an Apollo astronaut!

This week marks what would have been Arlene Francis’s 100th birthday. She died in 2001 but sadly had been afflicted with Alzheimer’s for many years. Was there anyone on the planet who was more witty, intelligent, and charming than Arlene Francis? She appeared in films, on Broadway, and in many radio and TV shows, but most Baby Boomers got to know her during her amazing 25-year stint on “What’s My Line,” the best game show in the history of television.

In 1961, at the height of her “What’s My Line?” fame, Arlene wrote this cookbook for the modern woman. The color photos alone are priceless. Arlene’s caption on this photo says, “I like to entertain informally. The little spread you see here is set out on the coffee table in my living room. Like most working women, my schedule simply doesn’t allow for big affairs very often.” Um…this is informal? I guess in Arlene’s world it was, even though the silk dressing gown, canapés, and carved pineapple evoke a palace event at Versailles compared to what we call an informal meal at my house.

I’m sure a lot of celebrity cookbooks are ghostwritten by professional writers but this book has Arlene’s unique wit all over it, I’m sure she wrote it herself. Just take a look at her “Act 1” introduction:

Just as some people lose their attractiveness at the beach, others seem stripped of all charm at the breakfast table. They fall into two types—and I’d wish they’d fall farther. You have either those determined human-robins, who chirp brightly over their orange juice, or you are confronted with the Great Stone Face, who won’t speak!

The following panacea of breakfast suggestions are so good the human-robin shuts up to eat them, and the Stone Face speaks up in appreciation. Either way, with a Breakfast Winner, how can you lose?

While Arlene’s repartee is always sparkling, many of her recipes make my 21st century stomach want to hurl. But maybe you’d enjoy her breakfast selections which include such items as Prune Delight, Fruited Pork Roll, Tongue Omelet, or Smoked Sliced Beef Pancakes.

In addition to providing hundreds of recipes, almost all using those innovative packaged meats and canned vegetables, Arlene was also a bit of a shill for her co-publisher, Mickleberry Food Products, a huge company in Chicago that would suffer a terrible factory fire in the late 1960s and go out of business. This photo shows some of their prepared products. (Notice the careful placement of Arlene’s book “That Certain Something” on the table!) The caption reads, “HE might want Beef in Red Wine, SHE might prefer Lobster Newburg. These and many other truly gourmet dishes are individually packaged in Flex-Vac ‘boil-in-bag’ form and frozen.” I would never doubt Arlene’s honesty, but if that Lobster Newburg came out of a frozen pouch, then my name is Bennett Cerf!

In the chapter on picnics and cookouts, Arlene offers up her Bacon Kebabs that include grilled bacon wrapped around carrots, olives, and cucumbers, all basted with garlic butter. How about cubes of canned luncheon meat interspersed with buttered bananas? Another recipe involves folded slices of pork luncheon meat and salami mixed with maraschino cherries, vacuum-packed dried apricots, and canned pineapple chunks. Do you see where my mother got her inspiration? For a special treat called Asparagus Mornay, Arlene arranges a 6-ounce package of sliced luxury loaf in a pie plate and then thaws some frozen asparagus tips in Hollandaise to sprinkle on the meat along with some cheddar cheese. Yum…but what the hell is luxury loaf?

Feel like entertaining? Arlene has all the advice you’ll ever need, as well as delicious recipes for Tongue Spread, Prune Rings, a melted cheese dish called White Monkey, her famous Bologna Ring Gelatin Mold, and something called Frankfurter Suey which combines hot dogs with soy sauce, brown sugar, bean sprouts, onions, and chicken bouillon cubes. Mmm-good! If anyone knows how to throw a well-heeled soiree, it’s Arlene Francis:

Parties, like plays, need plotting. You can’t just ring up the curtain and hope for the best. One plot element, as important as the menu, décor, and advance preparation, is your cast of characters. To wit, if your guests lack mutual interests, their dialogue, witty or not, will give out before dinner.

The party setting is a manner of brightening your home as a mute but warm compliment to your guests. Remember, too, in that setting you, the hostess, will be stage center. If everything’s ready in the wings, there’s no need for you to make your first entrance in a dash from a hot kitchen into the spotlight looking like a road company witch from “Macbeth.” If you’ve plotted well and timed things properly, you can glide onstage, glamorous as a professional model. The hostess’ temperature serves as a reverse thermometer for her guests. When she’s feverish, their spirits drop to zero; when she’s cool, their spirits soar.

I’d be willing to eat Arlene’s Bacon Kabobs or Luxury Loaf if I could just spend some time in her gracious presence. Throughout the book, Arlene talks about her teenaged son Peter who “likes to feed his friends in his own room where the record collection is handy.” She explains that Peter and his “constituents in Young America” prefer cold cuts, hot dogs, and hamburgers to anything else in or out of this world. “When teenagers have four miles of catsup in which to drown anything they’re eating, they’re in heaven. Beyond that there’s little to say except ‘Batten down the hatches, and lots of luck!’”

Today that teenager is 60-year-old Peter Gabel, Director of the Institute for Spirituality and Politics at New College of California, associate editor of Tikkun magazine, and the author of “The Bank Teller…and Other Essays on the Politics of Meaning.” Arlene, you did good!

Happy Birthday, Ms. Francis, and thanks for helping to get my mother out of the kitchen…even if it did lead to scary meals that probably stunted my growth!

Comments

[churlita]

My mom was also an excellent cook, but after my dad disappeared (we're pretty sure he killed himself), she was left to raise 4 kids by herself. We spent many nights at the dinner table watching "What's My Line" while eating Libbyland frozen dinners.

[Pam G]

I read this first thing this morning and the image of Kraft Mac and Cheese sticking in one's colon until the Nixon resignation has remained with me all day! My mom was not a good cook and I remember nothing of her cooking during my early childhood beyond some OK but greasy tasting homemade Mac and Cheese and the occasional Sunday pot roast with overcooked limp and brownish potatoes and carrots resting in the slimy fat-filled juices beside the roast after it cooked all day in an electric skillet she got as a premium for being a "Tupperware lady."

By the time I was a teenager, my father had died and my mother was working about three minimum wage jobs six days a week. My brother who worked in an Italian restaurant used to make us a lot of spaghetti and my brother who worked in a bakery brought home a lot of day-old bread and baked goods, which we supplemented with Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks and Hungry Man frozen dinners. On holidays we used to eat in restaurants or my grandparents would bring over some food they had made for us.

I eventually taught myself how to cook about ten years ago after divorcing a man who was an excellent cook and kept me well-fed for 12 years. But I was depressed to read in your piece how many quick and easy brands I still have in my pantry. Maybe I'm not such a gourmand after all. No, Spaghettios, though. Do they still make that crap? Ugh.

Amazing that you found that image of your mom looking so much like Arlene Francis. I thought Arlene and Kitty Carlisle, who died earlier this year, were just the epitome of class during my rather dismal childhood. I even tried to speak like them, which subjected me to a lot of ridicule in the working class area in which I grew up but helped me tremendously in my journalistic career aspirations.

How in the world did you know that this week was the 100th Anniversary of Arlene Francis' birth? You have a great memory or a really unique calendar!

Thanks for another great post!

[Wendy]

Danny - Great Post. I was laughing so hard I could hardly read. But a bookend to Arlene Francis' birthday is the obituary I read today for Peg Bracken. Her "I Hate to Cook Book" is hilarious, her recipes aren't half bad, but unfortunately there are no photos. Arlene's cookbook sounds like a keeper. Maybe you could frame some photos as an inspiration for what not to do? Although the Frankfurter Suey sounds mighty tasty! Really!

[Shari]

I miss Jello 1-2-3. It was always such a treat and so fun to watch it separate...
I wonder how many organic meals one has to eat these days, in order to tip the scales back in our favor, toward health? How long does it take to counteract all those loaves of white bread...all those hot dogs...all that Kool-Aid?

[OldOldLady Of The Hills]

LOL, LOL...Oh Lordy, Danny...The recipes in this book sound absolutely ghastly! LOL!
But I always loved Arlene Francis, too...As you said...She was witty and charming and smart and not a bad actress, either....Her simple relaxed down-home party...LOL! Oh Yeah!
I must say there was not one combination of foods that appealed to me....My mother and my grandmother were both wonderful wonderful cooks...And everythihg was pretty much FRESH Made....mostly because that is what they knew and it was before all those "specialty foods" came into being...
Great Book! I hope you have a First Edition!

BTW: My first YouTube Video post is up---three great videos of the Fabulous Lena Horne!

[Kat]

I laughed and laughed.

Does anybody else remember "Whip and Chill". It was kind of like Jello 123. I used to think it was a crime that we did not have the glass sundae dishes to see the whole picture all at once.

I had almost forgotten about the sweet and sour meatballs with the pineapple. Sodium content in that was enough for a lifetime I am sure.

Spaghettios with franks were my favorite. I am betting that they were NOT Hebrew Nationals though.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Yes, Arlene was glamorous but your Mother was beautiful

[Shayen Tuntoglu]

I knew of Arline from my grandfather, when he wrote to her, he didn't realize she was related to us (Kazansjian) from Kaysei Gesarya (in Armenian), after grandpa died no one kept in contact.
Sadly.
remembered her from the shows
Shayen

[Melissa Balmer]

Oh how you make me laugh and brighten my reading. My, just reading the names of the recipes are enough to raise ones blood pressure! What was the obsession with processed meat products? I was very bummed when Tang came out. My parent's refused to buy it, along with that groovy mixed peanut butter and jelly with reusable cans that doubled as glasses. They insisted on real orange juice, and jam, not jelly. I felt so left out!

[pia]

My mother was an excellent cook but her freezer could have been the model for the ones in Jewtopia.

She would take fresh bagels from the bakery, and freeze them immediately so they always tasted of freezer burn

I thought this was normal until one day when I asked her why she froze them before the rest of the family woke up for brunch

She couldn't understand the question "They might go to waste."

Consequently I'm the only Jew in America or American or person in the world probably who hates bagels

Love your blog. The Second Avenue Deli is reopening in the winter in the East 20's or 30's

[Carol Bahruth]

I enjoyed this story tremendously as well as all the related comments. I have always been proud of the fact that it was my grandfather, Charles Bahruth, a jeweler for Tiffany, designed and made the lovely signature diamond heart necklace for Arlene (at the request of Mr. Gabel). I was so very sad to read of it's theft years ago.

[Madkitchenscientist]

My mom used to take 'shortcuts' on making Mac n' Cheese...she would eliminate mixing the cheese packet with the milk and butter and just throw it into the wet macaroni...yes it was lumpy. She'd serve it on Fridays during lent with fish sticks that were burnt on the outside and still frozen on the inside. In the 60's she leaned toward some of the easy things like the Good Seasons salad dressing packet that you shook in the 'creut' with water, vinegar and salad oil. I've collected old cookbooks over the years and love the ones with the pictures. There is a book that has a collection of circa 70's Weight Watchers recipes that are hideous and the writer has hilarious captions to go with each one.
By the mid to late 70's my mom swung the other way and bought most things in co-ops and health food stores. One day she brought home this luscious looking chocolate cake...we couldn't wait for dessert as we never had cake unless it was a birthday. ...Well one bite and we almost gagged. It was made with carob and it tasted horrible. She never bought that again.

[Roberta]

Hey Danny: Thanks for sharing about Ms. Francis. So I am going through my Mom's cookbooks the other day and what do I find but "No Time for Cooking!" Unlike Ms. Francis, my mom was pure midwestern stock who took great pride in serving one home cooked meal, even if she didn't make it my grandma did! I too really liked Jello 1-2-3 and miss it. I understand that Vermont Catalog is bringing it back for those of us who are still well preserved and lived through the nuclear '60's/70's.

I remember pointing out this cookbook to mom who just snorted. Her small way of saying "ha, I don't know WHY I kept this one," which meant she had purchased it on the belief that the cover would actually promise something - but it didn't live up to 'Mom' standards. Throughout the later part of the '70's, Mom's favorite device of all time in the kitchen - the microwave of course!